Flinch
Written by Tammy
What's it been, over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago.
We only influenced each other totally,
We only bruised each other even more so.
What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood.
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad.
How long can a girl be shackled to you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
How long can a girl stay haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name,
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city.
My brother saw you somewhere downtown.
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you,
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again.
What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god.
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin.
How long can a girl be tortured by you??
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
And how long can a girl be haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name,
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing.
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in.
This man knows not of how this information has affected me,
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in.
What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin.
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air.
How long can a girl be tortured by you??
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
And how long can a girl be haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name,
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
-Flinch, Alanis Morissette
Of all the places I could have run into him, it was at a bar-mitzvah. I mean, I didn't even know he had Jewish relatives. Kennedy had no idea who he was - I rarely, if ever talked about Tara, obviously, but I'd never told her about him. Never. And seeing him again, it threw me. So much so that it almost threw me all the way back to high school - nervous babbling, sweaty palms, the lot.
Guess I'm bi, after all.
It all happened so... innocently, I guess. After all my experience, I'da thought that we'd be saving the world, or at least dealing with some kinda demon, when I ran into him again. Or, y'know, we'd be blue haired and turning corners in Istanbul...
But no. For once, something happened to me that was normal. Mundane even. I was invited to my second cousin's bar mitzvah, in New York. Kennedy and I moved there shortly after Buffy and Angel got back together, but that's another story. Anyway, turns out that his cousin Jordy had made friends with my second cousin in Hebrew class. They'd all moved to the Big Apple just before all that stuff with the First Evil. So, in walks Uncle Benjamin, saying “That singer's here. You know, some weird band name? Something about Dogs ate my kid? The one you were going out with before this whole gay business.”
Ok, he was actually a guitarist, not a singer. But Uncle Ben did good to remember him at all. Guess it was the hair.
Uncle Ben's a nice guy. He accepts me, which is more than I can say for some of the members of my family. Grandma Isa, dad's mom? Hasn't spoken to me since I met Tara... How could he have known how much it would affect me to hear that he was in the next room? For that matter, how would I have known? It's been at least ten years since Sunnydale. To be honest, I would have expected to be calm, collected, and happy to see an old friend. Instead, I nearly threw up. When Kennedy came over, putting her hand on my arm and asking what was wrong, I flinched, and told her I was fine. But when she mentioned that she'd run into a guy she recognized from Sunnydale, from some band or something, I must have gone white as a sheet, because she could tell I was lying.
“Willow, what the hell is wrong with you? It's bad enough that you dragged me to this thing when I wanted a day in, but now you're not even acting like you're having a nice time with me. Stop acting like such a baby! My day was ruined for you, the least you could do is enjoy my company!”
Kennedy had gritted teeth through the whole speech. I'd noticed, gradually, that she'd become a lot more whiny since we'd moved in together. To be honest, it bothered me, but I loved her so I tolerated it. Plus, she would sulk if I told her anything bad. Or at least, I thought I loved her. But hearing he was in the next room over had more of an effect than her arm actually touching me. What the hell was wrong with me? Shaking my head, I turned, and was about to apologize.
Then he walked into the room, and I lost the ability to form thoughts. Other than ' Damn. He looks good.'
Damn. He looks good. He's gone back to the black hair, which always looked good on him. Dressed in a suit jacket with a band t-shirt underneath, he looks like a grown-up version of the person he always was - he hasn't given into to conventional fashion. He seems almost taller - more confident. And then he sees me. God, it sounds lame, but our eyes locked, and I really did just melt.
His eyes haven't changed a bit. The rest of him may have grown up, but his eyes still hold that childish, mischievous sparkle that they always had. And God, Kennedy seems a dream now - distant, like something far away. And my mind is back at Sunnydale High, seeing him play for the first time, our first kiss, the first time we... y'know... Our first date. Finding out he was a werewolf. Nearly losing him over Xander. Really losing him over Verrucca. The brief reunion, when he left because of Tara. And it hits me. Tara, she was true love, she was my other half, but so was he. Tara reflected me. She was like me - she was the twin to my personality. I loved her. But he was the yang of my yin, he was the complimentary piece. And I loved him. It was different, but the same.
And Kennedy was a whiny bitch who I'd tolerated because I didn't have either of them. She stopped me from being lonely. Big Whoop.
Walking away from her, almost trance-like, and ignoring the calls in the background, I moved towards him. He smiled at me, and I swear to Hecate I nearly died right there. I guess now I know how Buffy feels when she's around Angel.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“So, how've you-““So, what have you-“
I breathed deeply, eliciting a nervous chuckle from him. “You go. I'm still a little shocked.”
“I guess we won't be meeting blue-haired in Istanbul after all.” Hey, it was the only thing I could think of. And it made him laugh. God, I missed that laugh.
“So, how've you been? How is everyone? Buffy, Xander?”
“I'm good. Working as a lecturer in Advanced Chemistry at NYU. Buffy's good, she's back with Angel after a long wait, and they're having a baby - he's partially human - and therefore not working. Xander's running his own construction company in L.A - not far from Sunny dale. /he never quite got over Anya's death, but he got back with Cordy of all people. And Faith shacked up with Spike - they own a bar on 5th. You've probably heard of it - Slayer's?”
Oz chuckled again. “I told Spike that they could have been a bit more inventive with the naming. But Faith insisted.”
“Wait a minute - you've seen them? Why didn't they say anything to me...?”
Oz looked over at Kennedy.
“Willow? I think someone's trying to get your attention.” She was frantically signaling to me, and looked really angry. Ok, tonight I was in for some major sulkage. But for once, instead of being resigned to it, I decided to deal with her.
I walked over to Kennedy, bracing myself for the inevitable meltdown, and it came. She went on and on about me neglecting her, how I'd ruined her day, how she hadn't wanted to come to this stupid thing in the first place and why was I paying attention to someone other than her?
When I told her he was my ex-boyfriend, it threw her to say the least. After sputtering about how she didn't know I'd had a boyfriend, and why hadn't I told her, she then gave me 'permission to talk to him', as if she owned me. That was when I lost it.
“You know what Kennedy? I've had enough. Enough of your whining, enough of your constant bitching when I want to do something you don't want to, or I make plans that don't involve you. To be honest, I should have said this all those years ago when you kicked Buffy out of her own house. You're a brat Kennedy. A whiny, self-centered brat, and I'm sorry but I'd rather talk to someone who really knows me and is interested in me, than a whiny child who just wants all the attention on her.” I then walked calmly out of the room. And collapsed into a heap on the nearest chair.
TBC…