Requiem of Warriors Lost

Written by Ginger

The storm had beaten down on them since early morning.

Gone.

He was alone, truly alone. The cold finality of those words bore down on him, weighing him down. The burdens he carried lay across strong shoulders, but this last was simply too much to bear. The one shining light in his dark existence had been taken from him, his very reason to exist, to fight on, gone.

The high pitched wail started deep within his being and burst forth from the depths of his tormented soul. Angel dropped to his knees in front of her grave, giving into his grief completely. The graveyard reverberated with his sobs and seemed to echo back, mocking him. Rain fell silently, steadily in the darkness, as if the heavens themselves were weeping for her. Cold, bitter rain that plastered his hair to his scalp and ran into his collar, unnoticed down his back.

Lay down your load, even if it’s just for awhile...

He glanced around wondering who would dare intrude. He was alone. The other mourners had left hours ago. He had been there, under an umbrella, silently thankful for the storm. The crush of people made him feel uncomfortable, but proud. Proud of how many people had come, proud of how his beloved had touched so many people’s lives.

No, he did not want to speak, he had told Willow.

His farewell was something he did not want to share. Too much had been left unsaid in their lives. He would not expose himself to their stares, their casual wonderment. Who were they to know the depths of his love for Buffy? The bond they shared was unlike any other.

And so he had waited.

Lightening flashed, illuminating the tombstone before him.

“She saved the world a lot…” His hand reached out and traced the engraved letters. Raising his face to the heavens he screamed, “SHE SAVED ME…DO YOU HEAR THAT? She saved me…she saved me. She was better than all this! She was my world and you took her!”

Let go of your anger.

“Who said that? Who’s there?” He snarled in full vamp face.

Silence. There was no one there. Somewhere, across town, a clock chimed, once, twice, three and four times.

Angel laid himself full length on her grave, head pillowed on his arms. The sogginess of the ground didn’t matter, nothing did. He tried to feel her, feel her spirit near him. She lay beneath him, cold and motionless. Never to smile that smile that lit her from within. Her laugh, the way it tinkled musically in his ears, silenced. The golden sunshine that was her hair never to lie on a pillow beside him filling his senses. The lean and tanned glorious body that he had memorized with his hands and eyes for hours on end was wasting away beneath him.

His hands dug into the soft earth, clenched in denial. Why had he not been there for her? Why had she not called for him?

“Ionúin!” He cried softly into the night, “Abair liom cad chuige.”

Tell me why. Tell me why you had to go. Tell me what I should do. The storm was abating, the rain slowing, yet he felt nothing but the pain in his heart. He had never known that pain like this could exist, nothing he had ever felt compared to this. Not even the guilt of the thousands of heinous crimes that haunted his every waking moment came close to the agony that ripped at his heart and soul. Unmindful of the mud that coated him liberally from head to toe, he rubbed his cheek against the ground. He craved her like an addict craves opium, he was so close to her, yet denied her presence eternally. He yearned to join her, to claw his way down through the freshly turned earth that had gaped so widely just this morning. To dig deep down through the mud, break open the casket, and wrap himself around her forever, would that give him peace at last?

It’s not your fault, it was time.

“Who are you? I can hear you! Show yourself!” He was feeling truly alarmed now. Was he hearing things? Turning over, he scented the air cautiously, but all that came to him was the earth, rain and vermin scents.

Tell me.

Was this just a figment of his imagination, this voice? It sounded so close, yet he could not see or smell anything out of the ordinary to suggest anyone was near. Was he being haunted? Was it Buffy? Was she calling to him from beyond, wherever that might be? Was it someone’s idea of a cruel joke on him? Someone like Spike? Would his Childe stoop so low? It couldn’t be, his Childe’s grief had been plainly evident at the funeral. Was it something else? His mind reeled with a thousand questions.

In a moment he decided he didn’t care any longer who it might be. He needed to talk, needed to utter those things that he had never taken the time to share with Buffy when she was alive. In 247 years, he had seen humans live and die; he had known how brief their existence was. He should have known how precarious this one life was, this solitary warrior that he worshipped. He had forsaken them for the ‘Good Fight’ and what he should do. She was his invincible one, so strong yet so vulnerable. Her hand could fly out in fury and stake the strongest vamp out there in less than a heartbeat, yet caress his face so gently moments later. How could he have been so blind? Why had he not taken advantage of every moment that they had? Slowly, haltingly, he began to speak. The words coming slow from such a stoic man unused to sharing so much emotion.

“Willow…asked me to speak today Ionúin. I couldn’t…not then, it was too much. Maybe it still is, I don’t know. It’s a belief…my belief that you can hear me, so I’m going to talk, now.” He paused as if waiting for her to answer him, secretly praying she would.

No answer but the wind blowing the grass around him.

“You know…no, that’s not right, maybe you don’t know. I love you. I never stopped loving you, not even for a moment. I lied to you and myself about that. It wasn’t hard being without you, it was torture, everyday. Every part of me screamed for you, and it took everything I had not to leave L.A. and run back here to you, everyday I did this. And…now I wonder why I fought it so hard. Why? I know you are asking me that as well. I did what I thought was best for us. I couldn’t put you through Angelus again. He hurt you so badly the last time. I never asked you though, never took anything you said seriously, and I’m sorry.”

He had sat up fully now, and cushioned his head on his arm against her tombstone, tears ran unbidden and freely down his cheeks, unnoticed.

“I was a fool. Joyce told me that I needed to be the responsible one and…no…I’m not saying it’s her fault, don’t get me wrong now. I know how you like to jump to conclusions.”

He could almost hear her favourite reply, ‘I didn’t jump to conclusions. I looked and oh, there they were,’ and he smiled at the memory.

“I made the ultimate decision for both of us. Not just that once. I did it again, and I’ll never forget that. There was a forgotten day between us Ionúin. I was to bear that day alone…but, it doesn’t matter now, you can know. You need to know, and I need you to know.”

The truth of the day that never was spilled forth from his lips, the relief of being able to share this at last overwhelming him. The disbelief, the rationalizations and the joy, all of it unburdened at last. The sheer unadulterated joy at being one with each other at last. And the heartbreak, it hurt to tell of the heartbreak of that day, to go from such a pinnacle of triumph in their lives to the depths of the ultimate collapse. Yet he spoke on and on in the darkness quietly.

“We had so many hopes that day. I…I was going to go out that next morning and…it doesn’t matter. I chose again for us. You cried so hard when I told you baby. I almost changed my mind again. To have to see that look in your eyes once more when I hurt you, it made me die inside a bit more. I always hurt you somehow don’t I? It feels like I did it for nothing, you were still taken from me. I held onto those memories though, so tight. I’d take them out everyday and thumb through them like a photo album. Do you realize what might have happened that day if I hadn’t had it taken back? I remember thinking about it, it was a week later. I was human, yeah, I know you’re thinking about it now. We didn’t use anything…what if we had created a child Buffy? What if I took back our child? It was so hard to think of that. I used to sit there and think ‘what if’. I imagined a beautiful girl, just like you, with golden hair and green eyes. We had a home, a beautiful home with a garden and lots of flowers, sunlight in every room to chase away the night. I am so tired of the night, Buffy. You were the only light in the darkness for me, and it was always your light. I couldn’t do it though. I always thought there would be another chance for us, but I couldn’t do it at the price they asked. I couldn’t sacrifice your life for whatever time we might or might not have. Did I do right then really? I have been thinking about that all day, was I right to change it all back?”

Nothing is chance in this world.

He snorted derisively at that, not even bothering now to look for whom the voice came from. He felt strangely comforted by the voice, and talking. It had a calming effect on him. As he talked on speaking of countless memories, missed chances, confused signals, his foolishness, her hard-headedness, Angel felt as though he could speak freely, without fear of reprisal, rejection or mocking. Buffy was near, he could feel her in his heart. She heard him. While she might not understand everything about why, she was there for him, and for that he was grateful.

The sky was becoming lighter now and Angel could smell the coming dawn, just a while away. He couldn’t leave her there, not by herself. For so long, she had stood by herself without him. It wasn’t that she couldn’t, he knew his place was beside her. It was always beside her, regardless of what others had said, how they had frowned and pulled them apart over the years. Had the Powers ever really intended for him to leave? Had he played into the other side’s hand by moving away? First he had been taken from the ranks as a warrior, however briefly, but restored. And now Buffy, the most powerful Slayer he had ever seen, had been taken.

He had clung to the hope of the Shanshu prophecy as his hope for his future. A future, he knew with every ounce of his being, lay with Buffy.

“This Shanshu, it was supposed to be our happy ending.” His voice caught in his throat as tears started anew, “I wanted it so badly. I needed to earn it. My redemption. I wanted you to look at me and truly see someone worthwhile. I wanted to be able to say that I had been judged worthy, to live and breathe and die as a man. I think…I think I was wrong. I should have fought harder. Life is a gift, a precious gift and your life was the most precious gift I was ever given. I wasted it, I wasted our chance, over and over and OVER AGAIN! How could I? Why was I so blind? How could I throw away the one good thing in my life? How could I do it? What made me think I had the right to do this to you? I could have made you so happy if I had just tried, and that’s all you wanted, was to be happy, with me. I couldn’t accept that; I never accepted your love. I felt so unworthy of it. And now….the Shanshu, it means nothing. You were my redemption, my salvation and my prophecy and I was too stubborn to see it. If only…and now, now it’s too late. What do I have now? You were my everything, and now I have nothing. There is nothing left for me here. I don’t want to be redeemed if I can’t have you. Why did you leave me? I don’t want to be here without you. I can’t be here without you. I won’t be here without you…”

He stopped, slightly shocked. In those words, he had spoken more truth than he had ever thought possible, or had he? Was his existence without Buffy pointless? There was nothing he wanted or needed from this life anymore, was there? His friends, Wesley and Cordelia, they needed him. It was his duty to be by their side now. He shook his head angrily. He would have never had friends like them if it hadn’t of been for Buffy.

He began talking again of his life after the curse and before he was called to help her. He would still be rotting away, living on rats in some alley in New York, if it hadn’t been for her. She had made him want more, need to be more than he was. She was the path to his redemption and the goddess that waited for his worship at her temple. He had worshipped her from the moment he saw her, and could hardly believe that she had chosen him. She had chosen him, even knowing what he was and who he was. Angelus, The Scourge of Europe. Oh how she had paid for that error when Angelus had emerged bent on total domination and destruction of his beloved. He had deserved to be sent to Hell for that. He recalled his return from Hell, wild and feral. He had not known where he was, just that he was free once more. He had scented her as prey and perhaps something more. Her scent had been familiar, awakening a memory long repressed in his tormented mind. His body and mind had screamed ‘MATE’ in unison, and he had enjoyed killing that scum that had dared strike his chosen one. And then there was Faith. Faith had caused so much damage, so much chaos when she chose to side with the Mayor and even afterwards. Damage that she was now atoning for much like he was. He had thought it was the end when Faith had shot him with the poisoned arrow and had almost welcomed it. Buffy had refused to give up on him and had forced him to drink from her.

“It was just like you, so selfless. I was so weak then, I don’t know how I managed to control the demon, other than…he knew. He knew what you were offering and after all that we had been through, accepted your gift. For that, he found you worthy and we marked you. I say ‘we’ because it’s true. We both wanted you, and I, I would have preferred a better way to show you and the world what you meant to me. Traditionally though…we marked you as our mate. That’s why the scar never healed like it should have. Our kind doesn’t do this often, and normally its two vampires who mark each other as mates. Vampires mate for life, a true eternal bond, which I am sure Giles explained to you. He knew what the mark represented. You should have heard the discussion we had in regards to it too, especially since I was leaving. I abandoned you, I knew it, Giles knew and Angelus knew it. For once, I wish I had listened to my demon self, Ionúin. Angelus screamed at me in my head endlessly for weeks. He knew it had been a mistake leaving you and demanded we go back. Funny how someone so evil and twisted still has a sense of morality and what’s right. He was furious that I did not take you unto myself as my mate after we marked you. He told me that even though it was against every vampire law to take a Slayer as a mate. He had never been one for laws and now that it was done, I had run like a coward. He ridiculed me for weeks about it. I don’t know why I never listened. He’s inside now. He’s been quiet since Willow came and told us the news, but I can feel him grieving for you, Ionúin. I know it doesn’t mean that much to hear it, but he does grieve for you as well. You know, it’s not that I regret the work I’ve done in L.A., it’s that I could have still been doing good by your side. And now it’s too late to take it back, to change anything.”

We are all blind at one time or another in our lives.

“That’s what I have been, blind. And it took your death to make me realize it, Buffy. How do I go on without you?”

You’ve fought for so long, gained so much.

“But what is that gain compared to what I lost? I did so much evil as Angelus, evil that I can never balance out on the scales no matter how much good I do now. I thought…I was led to believe that I could be forgiven though.”

Forgiveness must first come from within.

“How can I do that? How do I forgive myself for what I did to us? How do I forgive myself for what I have caused others to suffer both on my part and as Angelus?”

I’m here. I’ll always be here.

Angel felt her then. At that moment, like a spring bursting forth from the ground, her light and goodness engulfed him. He was bathed in her spirit as it washed over him. He closed his eyes letting it wash over him. When he opened them, she was there, smiling, at him with love and compassion shining in her eyes.. She held out her arms and he ran to her, sweeping her off her feet and into his strong arms. His kisses peppered her face as his tears of joy mingled with hers.

“Buffy, my love…my life, how?”

“Angel.” As always, his name sounded like heaven on her lips. She returned his kisses just as fiercely. She broke away and he heard the musical tinkling of her laugh once again, “It took some bargaining but apparently saving the world holds some water with the Powers. They gave me some time with you.”

“Time? How much time?” she silenced his questions with a dainty finger pressed to his lips.

“Not nearly enough.” His eyes searched hers questioningly as his brow furrowed in concern, she hugged him close to her, hand stroking his brow, smoothing and soothing him. “I heard you. Earlier. I had to come, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you. I was trying to come earlier, but they weren’t going to let me. They said it was enough to let me hear you, but I wanted more. No, I needed more and we deserved more than that.”

He clutched her to him, unwilling to let go. He let his hands roam, memorizing as a blind man would, desperate. “I can’t let you go, Buffy! I can’t! I came here to say goodbye and I can’t do it! I need you here with me! Why did you leave me? Oh god, I’ll do anything. Just come back, come back. Let me hold you, let me wrap myself in your sunlight and forget the darkness forever.”

She grasped his chin and looked into his eyes sadly. “My time is done here, Angel. Nothing we can do or say will change that. But you, you have so much more to do. You have to go on. There’s so much left to do.”

“Not without you. I can’t do it without you!” He kissed her again, his entire body shaking as though in a storm.

“Angel. You have to. I’ll be with you, always.” She pressed her nose against his and placed her hand against his chest. “I’m always here, inside you.”

“It’s not enough. Don’t we deserve more? I know I’ve made mistakes, but can’t we take it back? They took the day back once before, they can do it again. I know where my destiny is, where my heart lies. It’s with you and it took me too long to say it, to admit it. They ask too much of me, Buffy. I gave you up once to protect you. I know nothing is written in stone in this life, but you deserved so much more. We deserve the chance and I always thought we would have it.”

Tears filled her eyes. “I know, and I wanted us to be together more than anything in this world. But it was not our time, as much as we both wanted it to be. I know we will be together, one day. Just not this day.”

“You can’t leave me. I won’t let them take you! I’m going with you!”

“Angel, no. You have to stay. Be strong for me. Take care of my family, Dawn, Willow and the others. They need you. People need you.”

“It’s too much. You can’t ask me to do this. You can’t ask me to just let you go again.” He was gripping her like a drowning man.

“Remember, Angel, I will be waiting for you. We will be together again, one day. Today you cannot follow me. I have to go soon, they won’t let me stay much longer. The dawn is coming and you must get inside.”

“NO! I’m not leaving you here! Please, baby, don’t leave me all alone.” He sank to his knees sobbing, grasping her around her knees.

Buffy sank to her knees beside him, pillowing his head in her lap, stroking his face gently as he sobbed and cried out his protests to her, the powers and the world. He knew she was right. He couldn’t leave everyone here. He had so much left to work towards, the balance of the scale would never fully tip in his favour, but he had to make a difference. A difference without his beloved beside him, truly the hardest burden he had yet to place upon his shoulders. She pulled him up sitting beside her, wiping his tears away gently. He stroked her golden hair, running his fingers through its glossy softness.

“I have to go.” She spoke softly as the sky lightened. “You do too.”

“I will find you again.”

“I know. I will be waiting for you. Kiss me, Angel. Kiss me goodbye.”

“Never goodbye, Ionúin, it’s never goodbye for us.” He bent down and pressed his lips gently to hers.

They kissed gently, butterfly kisses raining on each other’s lips. Gently running his tongue along her bottom lip, he sought entrance with it. Buffy’s lips parted slightly in invitation and the kiss deepened, becoming more passionate and fiery. They broke away minutes later, gasping. A faint light broke upon them, engulfing them. Buffy stood and walked towards it as Angel moved towards the shadows of a crypt.

“Buffy! I love you!” He called out.

“I love you.” She turned and smiled one more last radiant smile at him, then disappeared into the light.

Angel stood staring at the spot where she disappeared. Dawn was moments away, he knew he should get inside. This was the harshest reality he had ever had to face, but he would face it for her. Even though it seemed to be too much, he would do it, because she had asked him to. He bent and plucked a rose from an arrangement that lay beside her tombstone. Bringing it to his lips briefly, he inhaled the sweet fragrance. Tucking the rose inside his duster, he finally made for the sewers.

I forgive you.

~Fin~

Feedback