Prologue ~ Part One(a) ~ Part One(b) ~ Part Two ~ Part Three ~ Part Four ~ Part Five ~ Part Six ~ Part Seven ~ Part Eight(a) ~ Part Eight(b) ~ Part Nine ~ Part Ten
Part Eleven ~ Part Twelve ~ Part Thirteen ~ Part Fourteen
Only Time
Written by Bre
My memories of that time have yet to disperse. Everything that happened...I can feel it and see it so clearly that I feel like I'm reliving it. Is that strange?
I don't think so. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, even though it was the only thing that made me feel insane.
I was still in high school, still a young teenager when I met him. I was just ending my Sophmore year at Sunnydale High and was applying for a job at the local coffee shop. Who knew that that moment would change my life forever?
I certainly didn't.
He was so tall and domineering, standing in line for his coffee. He didn't look like the kind of guy who would be patient enough to wait, but he managed. God, but he was so gorgeous.
Every time someone entered, he casually cast his dark eyes that way, as if waiting for someone. I'll never forget the moment I walked into the shop, the little bell above the door chiming and his eyes settling on me. Our eyes locked, but only for a moment before he turned away.
But his head snapped back and our eyes met again. I remember licking my lips as I walked in. I remember the moment being in slow motion, as if time has stopped for us. I walked so slowly, but got to the check out counter so quickly - it was so strange, but that doesn't matter.
What mattered at the time was the fact that he hadn't stopped looking at me. I could literally feel his gaze roaming my body. It gave me chills that were indescribable.
After that, everything seemed to blur, but didn't. It's so clear, but blurred, like time decided to speed up at that moment and not stop for a long while.
We began seeing each other, began our sexual relationship a month after that. It was then that I found out he was fourteen years older than me. I couldn't exactly say I was shocked. So he was, like, thirty. I didn't care. As long as my mother didn't find out, things would be fine.
Although, damn him, we were so close so many times.
Our relationship was purely sexual, but I couldn't deny myself the fact that I was starting to fall in love. Starting to fall in love with a thirty-year-old man. Man, not boy. A delicious man who seemed to only crave her. What would people say?
I only ever told Willow, who misunderstood my need for him. He was so much older, why didn't I choose someone my own age, there were thousands begging at my feet everyday...I didn't hear any of it. I couldn't.
All I saw was Angel.
I didn't dare talk to him about any of this. How I feel, how all I wanted was him for my future. He wouldn't understand...that was just the kind of guy he was.
We were a couple of months into our relationship, my birthday around the corner, when I found out that I was pregnant. With his child.
God, the joy mixed with the absolute terror was overwhelming...I can still feel it now, taking over me. I remember crying and laughing, then crying myself to sleep. I couldn't be pregnant.
We were so careful - always. I was on birth control and he always had on a condom. Always...no exceptions. It couldn't be happening.
I remember avoiding him for weeks until he finally cornered me. I broke down and told him everything - how I felt, that I was pregnant with his child.
I'll never forget the look on his face when I said everything. Shock, guilt, anger - all the emotions I'd ever seen on his face were mixed. But the most prominent was the terror. God, he looked so scared.
What would he do? He got a sixteen year old girl pregnant. And she was in love with him.
I could only imagine what he felt.
He took me back to his elaborate apartment and comforted me all night...held me while I cried, told me everything was going to be okay. I fell asleep in his arms for the first time ever. It felt so right.
I actually thought things were going to be okay.
In the morning, he was sitting beside the bed, staring at me, his face emotionless. He told me to get an abortion. He told me that this couldn't work - it could never work.
I shut down afterwards.
Willow comforted me...took care of me. I refused to get rid of the baby. In my eyes, it was a production of love - not meaningless sex.
But I broke down and did as he wished. I had an abortion. I killed the only thing I would ever have left of him.
He left three days afterwards, moved to some other place. He wouldn't tell me. He was probably afraid I would start following him and tell everyone about what had happened.
But I would never do that. I loved him.
I remember feeling lost and still so much in love that my soul broke. I broke. I picture myself as never the same. Ever.
The man I love didn't want me or the child. Didn't want any connection with me - so he had our love killed. I feel I could never forgive him. Feel like I should punish him. But I can't. Because I still love him.
I never stopped.
That was nine years ago.
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Buffy Summers sighed as she stared up at the ceiling of her bedroom. Another dream. This one was one of the better ones, comforting and...just different.
Angel had been holding her again, telling her everything was going to be okay...but this time he didn't leave. Instead, he merely said he would be there for her. That he loved her.
Buffy felt like a strange cloud of confusion had settled in her stomach. The dream had been so real. Like a memory. It confused her a great deal.
Rubbing her eyes in frustration, she absently rubbed her stomach as she sat up, before realizing what she was doing. She silently scolded herself.
God, that was nine years ago! Why was she still so hung over on this. It shouldn't be a big deal anymore. She'd gotten over it, hadn't she?
Shaking her head, Buffy sighed unhappily. Of course she hadn't. She'd killed her child to make the man she loved happy. That wasn't love on his part. She didn't even know what it was.
The loud bustling coming from inside the restaurant echoed in Buffy's ears as she entered. She could hear people talking loudly, forks hitting plates and glasses being set on tables. Sweeping toward the hostess wearing a thin, midnight blue dress that billowed down to her heeled feet, she offered the young woman a small smile.
"Hi. Reservation for Finn. I'm meeting someone," Buffy said, brushing a piece of her hair behind her ear as she turned her head to scan the restaurant. "Do you know if he's here?"
The woman returned the smile as Buffy spoke and looked down at the list of reservations before her where they rested next to a small phone that seemed to never stop ringing. Buffy wondered what had ever possessed her to let her date take her to this place. It was always busy and loud and she felt out of place whenever she sat among the obviously richer people.
The hostess, Kelly, according to her name tag, looked up. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Finn, but your husband has not yet arrived. Shall I show you to your table?"
Blushing brightly, Buffy shook her head almost immediately, replying with more hostility than she knew, "Oh, no, I'm not his wife. We're here on a date. One of the first, actually."
The hostess smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I assumed."
Smiling tightly and feeling tiny strings of annoyance tug at her heart, she shook her head. "It's okay."
Ignoring the customer's annoyance seemed to come naturally to the young woman serving as hostess and she replied with a bright, "Shall I show you to your table?"
Nodding again, Buffy followed the hostess dutifully as she wound around tables. Buffy caught glances of the people surrounding her, the food they ate and they way they talked. She saw a group of teens sitting at a table, celebrating a birthday party for one of their own, a older parent sitting away from the group, obviously there just to pay and keep an eye on them. Another table held two men hovering over a piece of paper snugly set in a manilla folder. One sipped coffee and the other ate a salad, often jabbing his fork in the air as if making a strong point. All around her, Buffy spotted couples. Some were acting intimately and others looked shy around the other. Then there were the old married couples who merely came out for appearance. Shaking her head softly, Buffy wished she was never like that.
That is, if she ever met anyone who would marry her and have a child with her. Buffy winced. Do I have to bring that up everywhere I go? she asked herself, which she quickly responded with a slap to her mental self. Enough of that. She couldn't let her past ruin her future, which was why she was at the God forsaken restaurant meeting with her new neighbor. They had met on the elevator down to the lobby and quickly hit it off. But every now and then, Buffy couldn't help but wonder if it was enough... in comparison to her relationship with Angel.
Dammit, Buffy! Knock it the hell off!
Kelly handed Buffy a thin menu and smiled down at her. Buffy wondered if she was pleased that she could look down on her. "Here you are, miss. A waiter will be with you shortly."
"Thank you," Buffy responded, taking the menu and setting it down quickly. Glancing at the thin gold watch on her left wrist, Buffy noted the time. She was already ten minutes late for their appointed dinner time. Where the hell was he? Sighing as her arm hit the table with a dull thud, Buffy moved to open the menu but paused as she felt a soft tingling in the middle of her back.
She immediately stiffened, already feeling the eyes on her body. Forcing herself to relax, Buffy turned around, expecting to find Riley grinning at her from the front of the restaurant. But there was no one. Scanning the tables and groups of people, Buffy frowned when she saw no one she recognized or anyone looking at her, for that matter. Mentally shrugging and writing it off, she turned back around and opened the menu, preparing herself for what she wanted to eat. Just then a young man came up to her table, wearing a pair of black trousers and a white dress shirt with an apron wrapped around his middle. Buffy smiled up at him, taking in the dark hair and bright blue eyes.
"Hello, my name's Jesse and I'll be your waiter for the evening. Can you I get you anything to drink, or would you like to order now?"
Grinning at the polite and kind nature he seemed to exude, Buffy shook her head. "No, I'm meeting someone and he should be here any moment. I'll just have white wine, please."
"Coming right up."
As he left and Buffy continued to peruse the menu, she felt the tingling in her back again. Looking up, she contemplated whether to look back. Someone was playing with her. Then she shook her head. God, was she ever paranoid. Probably just some person staring at her bare back. Shifting in her chair, Buffy suddenly felt uncomfortable in the dress she had chosen. The dark blue brought her eyes out wonderfully and seemed to make her tan skin glow, but the plunging neckline and seemingly absent clothing on her back made her feel naked. She wasn't accustomed to showing so much skin and it bothered her a bit.
It was another five minutes and a glass of white wine before she finally turned around. The gaze she felt had ticked on and off of her back and she could feel it so precisely that she felt goose bumps rising on her skin. The only person to ever do that had left her nine-
Her train of thought stopped immediately as she came face to face, or more accurately face to white clothed stomach, with Riley Finn. He grinned down at her and she noticed that his hands had been raised in the air as if ready to scare or surprise her. Buffy forced herself to grin and ignore where her thoughts had been going.
"Hello, Buffy," Riley said with obvious pleasure and Buffy was sure it was the dress, "I'm so glad you could make it."
Buffy didn't reply as her thoughts once more focused on the tingling in her back, but Riley continued without her. "Sorry I'm so late," he said as he sat, scooting his chair in closer to the two person table. "Traffic was absolute hell out there and then there was an accident..."
Buffy nodded her head. "It's okay. I just got here myself." No reason not to throw in a little white lie. If he was late, why couldn't she be? "Was the accident bad?"
"I don't know, I didn't get a good look." Riley grinned at her softly. "It's good to see you again."
Feeling herself blush, Buffy ducked her head and smiled. "You, too."
Before more conversation could be initiated, Jesse came back with a pad of paper in hand, ready to take down their orders. "Are we ready now?"
Buffy smiled up at him. She ordered another glass of white wine and the Chicken Fettuccini with a small salad as her side dish. As Jesse scribbled down her order, Buffy finished her wine, feeling her thoughts once more focus on the eyes on her back. God, who the hell was staring at her? There were plenty of people in here who looked like they were barely wearing anything. Turning her head around, trying not to make it too obvious as Riley chatted with the waiter about the meals, she once again spotted no one looking at her. Frustrated, she turned back and patiently waited as Riley asked a question about the lamb.
"Excuse me," she said softly as she scooted her chair out and rose. "I'll be back."
Riley nodded and turned back to the waiter as Buffy moved to make her way to the bathroom. Realizing that she didn't have a damn clue as to where it was, she turned back. "Excuse me, where's the ladies' room?"
Jesse took his attention away from Riley gratefully as he grilled him with question about the dishes they offered and pointed to the back of the restaurant, away from the front. "Towards the back, miss. On the right."
"Thank you."
Buffy moved quickly between the tables, grateful to be away from whoever's gaze was on her, she pushed open the door to the bathroom, almost running into another woman exiting. "Oh, I'm sorry."
"It's quite alright, dear," the elderly woman replied and Buffy smiled. Entering one of the stalls, Buffy leaned against the wall. She sighed heavily and itched to scratch at her back, as if the person's eyes were still on her. It bothered to a great extent that someone was staring at her. And it bothered her that it bothered her in the first place.
Rubbing her temples gently, Buffy forced herself to relax. So someone was staring at her. Who cares? Certainly not me, she thought. Running her hands down her dress unconsciously, she straightened her back. She was on a date and here she was worried that she was being stared at. Maybe-
No! Buffy shook her head. How could this be happening? Why right now? She'd been fine for the last couple of years. Fine! She hadn't been suddenly plagued by thoughts of you-know-who. God, she couldn't even say his name inside her head. Picturing him in her head for a quick second, Buffy squelched the idea. He's not here, she was and she was on a date. With Riley. A handsome man who happened to capture her attention quite nicely. Not the man she was still in love with. Not the man who had had their baby killed. Buffy shook her head. Riley! Not him!
Smiling in satisfaction, Buffy opened the stall and exited. Checking her appearance in the large, full length mirror the restaurant provided, she seemed happy with her appearance. Re-evaluating her earlier assessment, she realized that she had chosen the correct dress for this date. An eye-catcher and she knew that that was what it had been doing before. Catching eyes.
Licking her lips and realizing that she had left her purse at the table when she left to go to the bathroom, she spread the somewhat clumped lipstick evenly on her lips and stepped back, pleased. Grabbing a tissue to clean her finger, Buffy threw it into the trash can and pulled open the door.
Looking up, Buffy gasped. Her heart stopped beating. She stopped breathing. It was if the will to live had just left her body and all she could do was stare. At the gorgeous man towering over her. God, had he gotten even more beautiful? Tears filled her eyes as happy and much more painful memories assaulted her brain.
"Buffy," Angel said as way of greeting.
Unable to read his voice and reply at the same time, Buffy merely squeaked in response.
Mild NC-17
Riley checked his watch, growing slightly impatient. What was taking her so long? Their food was sure to be here any second. What could she be doing in the bathroom? Resisting the urge to stand and find out for himself, Riley merely sat there, playing with his glass of water as his date played out her past with her former lover.
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Buffy wanted to die on the spot as tears started streaming down her face. As if coming back from the dead, she dragged in a breath of air and released her hold on the bathroom doorframe. She felt the large, heavy door behind her, pressing into her back, waiting to be closed. Like this chapter in my life, she mused to herself. It never goes away.
She stared at the large frame of the man before her, his eyes seeming darker than they ever had been before. She couldn't help the surprisingly large skip in her heartbeat as it increased, just like what it used to do when she had been younger, whenever she saw him walk into a room and towards her. Back when she was sure that he was hers. Buffy felt the solitary tears as they streamed hotly down her face, knew that no sound came out of her mouth even though inside she was in eternal pain. She felt like screaming.
She was floating. She wasn't here. This was a dream. Another stupid dream and she would wake up and go on her real date with Riley. Yes... another dream. But as she saw him raise his hand to touch her face, she was slammed back into reality and the breath was stolen from her once more as he touched her cheek gently, whispering softly, “Don't cy.”
His fingers touched her and she felt a spark echo in her blood stream as her blood began pumping faster and her face blushed deeply, whether in embarrassment or love or desire or whatever, she didn't know.
“Angel?” she asked, her voice half a sob, half a moan. God, she felt like she was sixteen once again and he was with her, nothing had happened and they were happy together. Then it all came rushing back and Buffy felt her body stiffen and her feet step away from his on the will of her mind alone. She could feel her heart and blood singing for him, yearning for his touch and it was then that she realized the true conflict she felt inside. Only he could do that. And it scared and excited her.
“Don't,” she whispered brokenly, turning her face away from him. Bringing her arms up to wrap around her middle protectively, she faced her back to him, hating herself when a sob escaped her suddenly tight throat. She felt him staring at her and she knew that it had been him that had been staring at her the entire time. She shivered at the thought. God, how she wanted him to stare at her for the rest of her life.
“Buffy,” he said again and Buffy closed her eyes at the sound of his deep voice echoing in the small hallway. It was odd that they were all alone. No one was nearby to overhear the conversation. Her heart broke a little as his voice echoed her name once more, the sound of it making her think that he felt even a little bad about what he had done to her all those years ago.
“Please,” Buffy whimpered, “Please... don't... I can't.”
“Please look at me,” Angel said clearer. Buffy felt his hand on her arm, attempting to pull her around to face him. She didn't have the strength to argue as he pulled her around to face him. Her breath caught in her throat. His mouth was a mere few centimeters away from touching hers as they faced each other. Buffy felt her body relaxing against his on instinct alone, as if this was the only man in the world who had the power to do that to her.
Breathing in, she relished the smell of his cologne, realizing that it was the same stuff he used when they had been together. That smell was etched in her memory forever, for his scent was always on her bed sheets. Closing her eyes, Buffy sighed and just let go.
Angel's arms wound around her body as they hugged, Buffy pushing her face into his shoulder as she clung to him. She remembered so clearly feeling this safe before... feeling like nothing could touch her. Except him.
They stayed that way for what seemed like forever. Buffy didn't want to move, the feeling of his face pushing into her neck warming her. It felt so right, just being so close to him. Holding him as he held her.
How, she thought, How could I have thought that I could leave this part of my life behind? I can't... it's too hard.
As if sensing her thoughts, Angel pulled away. Buffy allowed him. But she didn't meet his gaze. Instead, she kept it focused on his chest. On the nice dark blue of the silk shirt he wore. It was beautiful, as was the little bit of skin he showed.
“Buffy,” she heard him say and she didn't dare look up. She knew that this was a goodbye of his. It had to be. What else would he want with his own leftovers. Why would he want to be with someone who helped kill their baby just to make him happy? As her train of thought continued, Buffy gasped.
Angel's fingers slid under her chin as she did, forcing her eyes to meet his. He looked down at her with what she thought was sympathy... or deep sadness. Tears once more flooded her eyes.
“Angel-” she whispered.
Her plea was cut off as his lips descended upon hers in a rush. Buffy froze as his lips covered hers before responding. The kiss was soft at first, gentle and what she hoped was something a kin to loving. Then it grew with fury, so many years apart after their fiery affair leaving them both lacking something and Buffy weak in the knees as their tongues dueled for dominance. God, it just felt so right. How could it not?
Angel backed her against the wall, threading his fingers through her hair. Buffy felt her heart open up. She felt her mind clearing of any thoughts. How could this possibly not be right? She was in her Angel's arms once more and everything appeared right with the world. Buffy wrapped her arms around him in return and kissed him for all she was worth. Maybe if she was better than she was when she was a teenager, he wouldn't leave her again.
Buffy broke the kiss and moaned as his hands roamed her body. It felt so right and familiar, yet new at the same time that she didn't know what to think. Her mind was blank except for Angel and she felt lighter than she had in many years. His lips trailed down her jaw line and began tracing her throat, his lips soft and yielding, as if asking permission to continue. Buffy answered with another moan.
She didn't know that she was backed up against a wall in a prestigious restaurant where anyone could walk by and see her making out with a man she didn't know anymore. Nor would she care. All she could see or feel was that man and she suddenly felt younger.
She felt his fingers begin bunching up her long dress and she moaned in anticipation. How long had she waited for this moment? For him to suddenly forgive her and come back to her and tell her he loved her?
“Angel,” she whispered, “Please...”
“Shh.” Buffy felt his hot breath against her ear and she shivered. It was too much and she felt her heart clog her throat. “Just feel, baby.”
Buffy did just that as he finally got her dress up high enough for his hands to slip underneath, causing the long material to slip behind her as her legs were fully exposed to anyone who would look. His soft hands ran over her thighs gently, causing Buffy to shudder. He slipped his fingers underneath the waistband of her black cotton panties and began pulling them down. Buffy whimpered.
All Angel needed to do was slip them past her upper thighs before they slipped down her legs unhindered. Buffy lifted her foot and spread her legs, completely bare for the world to see. She didn't care. And she felt Angel didn't either as he pressed against her and she felt his arousal poking through his pants. He quickly undid the button and zipper before turning his attention back to her.
“I've missed you,” he whispered gently in her ear as he slid his hands further up her dress to where they circled her waist. Buffy nodded her agreement as he slid her up the wall, her legs coming up to circle his hips. He sank her onto his hard member and Buffy gasped, throwing her head back. A mixture of pain and pleasure found its way through her muddled senses and she felt tears rising. How long had it been since someone had come into her?
Buffy fought the tears rising in her eyes and instead focused on the sensations racing through her system as he pulled back out of her and thrust back in. She was surprised that she was so wet and ready for him, but it was quickly clouded by her rising lust. Her hips began thrusting back against him as he began a steady rhythm. Buffy mewled against him, wishing for all the world that the feelings coursing through her would never end.
Buffy felt like an eternity had passed her by without her noticing when she felt her pleasure begin building. Gasping, Buffy automatically felt her hips begin pushing against him harder, her speed increasing with urgency. He caught her signals and slipped his hand between their churning bodies, finding her clit and massaging it gently. Buffy cried out shortly as memories suddenly assaulted her brain before she was catapulted over the edge, a bright light flashing before her eyes.
Before she could stop them, tears began streaming down her face and she collapsed against the man before her as he jerked against her, reaching his orgasm quickly as her vaginal walls milked him. Buffy clung to the man before her, her short nails digging into his shoulders, her body shuddering. Buffy felt like she had been thrown back in time as she remembered everything that had transpired between them nine years ago.
Buffy felt Angel coo soothing noises in her ear as he sank to his knees, cradling her in his lap as she straddled him. His warm hand rubbed up and down her back soothingly.
“Please...” she whimpered against his neck. “Don't leave me... don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me...”
Buffy felt her vision fogging and she gasped, clinging to him harder. The last thing she heard was a whispered, “I love you,” from his deep voice...
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Buffy woke with a start, sucking in a deep breath as she sat up with alarm, her arms coming up to cross over her chest protectively as her eyes ran over the elements of her bedroom. Shaking her head after a moment of searching, Buffy looked down at her hands, watching as they shook violently.
Taking in her body, she realized that she was shivering. She was covered in a cold sweat and the small breeze blowing in from her open window was causing her to shudder. There was a pleasant throbbing coming from between her legs. Shaking her head in denial, Buffy stood quickly and moved to close the window. Locking it tightly, Buffy stared out the window, as if waiting for someone to pop up and show themselves to her.
There was no one.
Shaking her head once more, Buffy closed her eyes. No, they weren't starting again. Not this. She didn't think she could take them anymore. She'd barely survived them last time. And now that she had thought she had healed... it was like a blow to the head to realize that she hadn't even come close. She needed to make an appointment with Wesley tomorrow.
And get some more medicine. Walking to her bathroom, Buffy opened the medicine cabinet and took out some pills, filling a glass of water while she felt their weight in her hand. Swallowing them down, Buffy stared at herself in the mirror. There were dark circles under her eyes.
Earlier in the night she had been on her date with Riley. She had gone to the restaurant and sat through dinner while they talked about silly things, where she then proceeded to go home after politely declining Riley's offer of coming up for “coffee” and then declining him walking her up to her door.
Things had been normal. Until she'd closed her eyes. It's been seven years. Seven years where she had been free of the dreams that had plagued her after Angel's disappearance from her life. At the time, she had thought of them as a place to go for comfort and she always enjoyed them. And they were always the same.
Whatever she had done that day, was echoed in her dreams, except Angel was there and he always whisked her away to a wonderful place of ecstasy and love.
It took her eighteen months, with Wesley's help, to finally realize that the dreams weren't of the good and he helped her battle them. She'd been given some kind of medicine to help her sleep and had weekly visits to her doctor who slowly became her friend after the dreams stopped.
And now she had to revisit the past in more ways in than one. How did this happen? Buffy shook her head and felt tears rise in her eyes, just like in her dream, except instead of asking for her long-lost lover to never leave, she was asking for the memories to disappear. Though she knew they never would.
Buffy looked down at the sink she leaned against. Why her? Why did he have to do this to her? Buffy felt pain fill her chest and hated herself for regretting those words. She knew deep inside though that she wouldn't want to lose that time she spent with him because she had never been so happy in her life.
And she hated it.
Sorry if this offends anyone. Thank you so much for the feedback and I hope everyone enjoys this part!
May 1999
Buffy couldn't ignore the warm tingling on her back as the most devilishly handsome man she had ever laid eyes on in her entire sixteen years stared at her. God, how could someone so beautiful be looking at her?
She was supposed to meet her friend Willow for coffee and she knew she must look disastrous. How could she not in the hideous jeans and tank top she wore. She cursed herself for not wearing something more... sexy was all that came to mind as she blankly accepted the small piece of paper that would allow her to apply for a job.
She could feel his eyes all over her body. She accepted the shivers that ran down her back gleefully as she reveled in his attention, jeans or not. She loved it and wanted nothing more than for him to come up to her. Instead of standing in line where she would be behind him, Buffy chose a seat at a round table near the window so she could do her usual people-watching in the busy hour, but chose it mostly for the equal view they could have of each other.
Risking a glance over to the line, she saw him step up to the counter and order his drink, laying his money out for the woman to take. She saw her give him an open appraisal and she had to agree with her, knowing that she wasn't the only one to notice his absolutely gorgeous features. Her eyes wandered over his body, openly admiring his behind gladly. He seemed to be in excellent shape.
A minute later she handed him his drink and accepted his money. As he grabbed a napkin from next to the cash register, he looked over his shoulder right at her and Buffy blushed almost immediately when their eyes connected. She looked down at her hands where the application lay on the table next to them and pretended to be interested in it as she watched him out the corner of her eye.
He seemed to be unsure about what to do for a split second, swinging a set of car keys in his hand before he moved to a table on the other side of the little coffee shop. Most of the people who bought theirs were on the run and so the place's tables and seats were hardly half full, giving her an open view of him. He sat facing her and when she looked up, he was practically directly in her line of vision.
She blushed once more.
It was ten minutes later when her friend sat down at the table next to her. She had a similar application in her own hand and a cup of steaming coffee.
“Hey, Buffy!” Willow Rosenberg said excitedly, placing her jacket and bag on the only remaining chair. “Isn't this exciting? Applying for jobs?”
Buffy looked up at the sound of her name from where she had been staring at her own application. She smiled at her best friend. “Hey, Wills... yeah, exciting. You know... work and all...”
Willow stared at Buffy and watched as her gaze ticked to something that was behind her every few seconds. She saw the dreamy look that adorned her friend's face and she couldn't help but grin. Buffy only got that way when she saw something she really liked or wanted. And this something was obviously a person by the way she blushed and the small secretive smile that graced her lips.
“Okay,” Willow said, switching her mood from job applying to confidante. “Who is he?”
“What?” Buffy asked, finally focusing fully on the redhead across from her. “Who? What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on, Buffy, I can see the way you're looking. C'mon,” Willow prodded. Buffy finally grinned and looked down at her hands where they twisted on the table.
“I don't know who he is but I saw him standing in line when I walked in and...” Buffy grinned and looked up to the ceiling. “He is the hottest man to ever walk on this Earth!”
“Wow,” Willow said, smiling. “Where is he?”
“Behind you... Don't look!” she whispered suddenly. Buffy's arm immediately shot out to stop her friend when she saw she was about to look over her shoulder. “I think he's getting up!”
Get up he did. Buffy tried to discreetly watch him as he stood but failed when, as he was leaving, he winked at her. Buffy felt her heart drop to her feet at the small half-smile on his face and all she could do in response was smile back.
The minute he left she was looking out the window to follow him as Willow finally turned around to get a good look. She let loose a low whistle. “He has a nice butt.”
“I know... and he winked at me!” Buffy said excitedly as she saw him press a button on his key chain and open the door to an expensive looking BMW. The car looked expensive, meaning he was obviously rich.
Feeling the attraction to him taking over her, Buffy stared at the car openly as he drove away, hoping against hope that she would have the opportunity to see him again.
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The minute Angel left the small coffee shop, he breathed in deeply and was grateful for the cool air as it reached his heated flesh. Walking as calmly as he could to his car, it was hard for him to hide his obvious attraction to the little blonde that had entered a mere fifteen minutes earlier.
She looked much younger than him, much, much younger but he knew deep inside that that wouldn't stop him from getting what he wanted from her. How could it?
She was beautiful, that was a given, and he could see the light and happiness that was in her eyes when they had made eye contact and he knew that he had to have her, in any way he could.
Smiling as he got into the car, Angel caught her and her redheaded friend staring at him as he drove away.
Chuckling at her obvious innocence, Angel made it a point to drop by that coffee shop every day for the next month.
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Buffy's head shot up when she heard the little bell above the door tinkling, signaling that someone had entered. Her eyes lighted on two teenage girls who had entered and let loose a frustrated sigh. Was he not coming?
Buffy and Willow had gotten their desired jobs at the coffee shop, mostly because they were short a few employees and were looking for a couple of people to help clean up and take care of the register. Which Buffy was doing as she impatiently waited for her most valued customer. He had yet to show and she felt like her hope was slowly but surely descending.
Buffy had yet to utter a single word of greeting to the man who called himself Angel. Yes, she went through the motions of selling one coffee, but never something that would be called friendly. He always offered her one of his picturesque smiles before ordering, then going on to sit at one of the tables. Buffy often noticed that he never sat at the same table. He always moved around, sat down, drank his coffee while reading something or talking on the phone or something mundane as that. Every single day it was something different.
And Buffy continued to revel in the attention he paid to her. He always left a rather large tip in the TIP jar and she would give him her most dazzling smile, but would never utter a word. Sometimes when she laid in bed late at night, she would wonder what he was doing or whether or not she was imagining all the attention.
And then she would see him the next day.
Until that Friday.
It would be another week until she saw him again.
Another week of anticipation and dashed hopes as she waited for him, only to see him never show.
Until the day that would change her life forever.
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Angel found himself looking forward to seeing the little blonde who worked behind the counter at the local coffee shop as he rounded the corner, turning onto Main Street. The week before had been troubling and full of work up to his ears, stuff he couldn't ignore nor get away from. The fact that he hadn't been able to get away for a cup of coffee weighed more on Angel's mind than he would have liked. Though it wasn't the worst thing to worry about.
Knowing that he probably looked horrible with dark bags under his eyes from endless hours of work and stubble on his chin as he entered, Angel felt a pang of disappointment to see that his little blonde wasn't behind the counter where she used to be. Fighting the urge to just leave and make his own damn coffee, he bought and paid for a ridiculously overcharged cup and went to sit down, ever mindful of the fact that neither the blonde nor redhead were nowhere to be seen.
Ten minutes passed and Angel began to get impatient. The day he decided to show was the day she wasn't working. What were the odds. Folding the newspaper he had been half-reading, he moved to stand and throw his cup away only to almost knock over the little woman standing beside him. She barely moved and Angel was forced to sit back down. Standing before him was a goddess. Her golden hair caught the rays of the sunshine beautifully, her deep tan making her glow. The small skirt and tank she wore made her look like the sexual powerhouse he knew she had to be, or very well could be. He also noticed her hands set on her hips and the furrow in her brow. She either looked worried or very upset.
“Where have you been?” she blurted and only the sudden blush on her cheeks stopped him from snapping right back at her. Hours of fatigue weren't enough to wage war on his growing arousal for her.
“Excuse me?”
“I mean...” She sighed and he saw her fight the urge to say something, even on the verge of stuttering. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean that... I mean, you probably think I'm a crazy person or something so I guess I'll just leave you to your coffee and your... newspaper.”
Angel watched as in split seconds the woman of confidence turned into the young girl he knew she was and he smiled gently as she turned away from him. He reached out to grab her arm. “No, please. It's okay.”
“What?”
Buffy couldn't believe he was touching her arm. She felt like her limb was on fire and she found herself craving more of it. And she still couldn't believe that she had strutted right up to him in her little apron no doubt and blurted out the stupidest thing she possibly could have. And what was more surprising was the fact that he had actually appeared sorry, when she had been the rude one.
“It's okay... really. Would you like to sit?” Angel motioned to the empty chair opposite him, smiling up at her. Buffy felt like her knees were jelly and she immediately said the first thing that came to her mind.
“I have to go to work,” she said dazedly. She saw disappointment flicker in her eyes and she wanted to kick herself. Here she was, being asked to sit with the man she had been dreaming about, and she declined. She wanted to die on the spot as his hand left her arm and he nodded.
“Okay.” Angel couldn't ignore the slight anger he felt. How could she say no? As his mind whirled, he could only chalk it up to the lack of sleep he had been getting and he stood, simultaneously causing her to step back away from him. “I guess I'll go.”
Buffy watched as he left, throwing away his coffee cup. Turning back around to the table he had been sitting at, she looked over her shoulder and watched as he got in his beautiful car and drove away.
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“Holy fuck.”
Willow snapped her head to Buffy. “What did you just say?”
“He's here again!” Buffy whispered miserably as she watched Angel come into the door again. Dodging into the backroom, pulling Willow with her, she peeked through the door and watched as he got his coffee and sat down, as he always had.
“Buffy,” Willow said, exasperated. “You should just go talk to the guy.”
“What?” Buffy demanded, turning her attention back to the redhead. “Are you crazy in the head there, Will? No way in hell am I talking to him again. Did you see the horrible excuse I had for talking last time?”
Willow shook her head in annoyance. She had seen. And she had heard. And she knew that that guy wouldn't be coming in for coffee still if he didn't want anything to do with her. And she would be damned if she would just sit back and watch.
“Go talk to him,” Willow said forcefully. “There's hardly anyone in here anyway and it's not like you'll get fired. I'll cover the register for you and even buy you a chocolate muffin later if you just go talk to him!”
Buffy found herself speechless. Was this her Willow Rosenberg, pushing her to go sit with an obviously older guy. As her mind began to accept, she readily pushed the thought away.
“No way,” Buffy said, looking out at him. She couldn't help but notice the tight jeans and t-shirt, the way all his clothing seemed to just hug his body.
Rolling her eyes, Willow opened the door. “Then come out and work and earn some money! If you can't have the hot guy who always comes in here, for you if you ask me, then who's to say that you can't at least buy some nice shoes?”
Buffy laughed. “Fine. But I'm not talking to him.”
“Nice shoes...”
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“I like your car.”
Angel looked up at the small voice and found himself staring into hazel depths. He grinned. It had taken three days for her to finally come talking to him again. He had noticed that she studiously seemed to be avoiding him and he didn't mind. He knew that she probably felt a little embarrassed. But that wouldn't stop him from what he continued to want.
“Thanks. It gets me by.”
Buffy raised her eyebrows and stared at him. The napkins in her hand she had planned on using as a reason to come over were forgotten as she looked into his eyes. “Yeah, I'm sure it'd get anybody by.”
Angel chuckled at her sarcasm and motioned to the seat once more across from him. “Would you like to sit this time?”
Buffy blushed at his choice of words and nodded. Sitting down, she looked at the newspaper in his hands. “Stocks?”
“Yeah... boring stuff, though.”
“I'm sure... so, what do you do?”
Angel ignored her question. “What's your name?”
Buffy smiled shyly, looking down at her hands where she clutched the napkins before meeting his gaze once more. He had long ago folded the newspaper that now rested on the table under his folded hands. “Buffy.”
“I like it.”
“Yeah, well, you're not the one who has to live with it.” When he offered her one of his famous half smiles, she blushed. “What's your name?”
“Angel.”
“Well... kind of not feeling like I'm the only one anymore.”
Angel once more laughed softly. She grinned.
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They started dating. Angel would come and pick her up and take her out for dinners or sometimes movies. Nothing glamorous nor too romantic. Every time she was in his presence, she felt like she was so much older and that she was actually allowed to date him. She never told her mother the truth about where she was going and Willow was always there to cover for her.
A couple of weeks later, she was in his bed.
Buffy promised herself that she would never forget that moment.
And she never would.
It was four in the afternoon when she finally saw his apartment and four thirty when things began to escalate rather quickly.
“You have a great apartment,” Buffy said, moving around and touching the odds and ends he had on bookshelves and pedestals. She noted the large picture window overlooking a lush park and she saw a bird fly by in the afternoon sun. She never felt him coming up behind her until his hands grazed her shoulders.
“Thanks. It gets me by.”
Buffy giggled at the memory and turned in his arms, bringing his lips to hers. This was all they ever did, was make out and touch each other, never venturing into unknown territory. Winding her arms around his neck, she moaned into his mouth as his arm wound wrapped around her waist, pulling her flush against him while his hand took it's rightful place over her breast, his thumb moving to brush against her nipple.
Simple things that weren't too serious. Buffy had been in a serious relationship before. She knew what one could do and not do. This was definitely okay. She felt him cup her breast in his large hand and she arched into him. Buffy didn't realize he was pushing her back until her knees felt the plush couch the was the centerpiece of the living room. She felt his nimble fingers slip under her shirt as the others played with the buttons to her white blouse, unbuttoning the top four before stopping. She knew that her breasts could be seen for the world and she pulled away.
He didn't miss a beat as his lips moved to attack her neck, pausing over her ear as he flicked his tongue over her earlobe. Buffy shivered.
“Are you okay?”
Buffy didn't answer, holding her breath as he began nibbling on her ear.
“Buffy?”
“Hmmm?” The blonde was in a world of her own as she felt her body surrendering itself to him. She knew that she wouldn't pull away from him.
“Do you want this?”
Without hesitation, Buffy nodded with a breathy, “Yes.”
Never pausing, Angel pulled away from her and lifted the shirt over her head, ignoring the last buttons. She automatically lifted her arms for easier access. Dropping the cloth to the floor, Angel stared at her chest, watched as her breasts, trapped in a white lace bra, heaved slightly with her quickening breath.
Buffy felt a blush coloring her skin as he stared at her and she brought her arms up to cover herself.
“No,” Angel said, casting her arms away. “Don't. You're absolutely gorgeous.”
Buffy smiled shyly, looking down at the floor. She felt him move towards her once more and felt a short cry escape her lips as he gathered her into his arms, settling her one on the soft couch. Buffy began to realize how large the couch had to be in order for both of them to fit, but her mind quickly became blank as he crouched over her, his lips finding her neck once more. Arching into his touch, Buffy felt like flying.
He sucked softly at her exposed skin, leaving butterfly kisses along her collarbone. His tongue swept a wet trail of fire down her chest as he softly ordered her to arch her back. She felt one of his hands holding her back higher and the other expertly unclasping her bra. Feeling it loosen over her chest, he sat up over and slowly took of the lacy cloth, watching with shuttered eyes as her heaving breasts came into his view.
Buffy felt a hot blush decorate her skin as he gazed down at her and she fought the urge to cover her chest as she had before. She felt unnerved by his stare, yet exhilarated at the same time. But her nervousness and slight embarrassment didn't go unnoticed by Angel and he seemed to revel in it. Buffy stared at his lips as he finally moved.
“You're perfect,” he mumbled as he reached out a hand to softly touch her right breast. Buffy's innocence caused her body's immediate reaction as she arched into his hand, silently pleading with him to touch her more, though she knew she would never voice such things. His fingers continued their exploration, continuing down the swell of her breast and upward towards her rosy nipple that now stood erect in the sunlight. She seemed to be glowing and Angel felt his cock jump in his pants.
Buffy closed her eyes as his thumb flicked at her hard bud and she bit back a gasp, wondering if it was something he would be turned off by. She silently cursed her inexperience as she lay beneath him, her body taking on a life of it's own as his fingers danced over her skin. She couldn't help her reaction when he softly pinched her nipple, causing her to cry out in pain and new pleasure.
Buffy began to open her eyes only to close them again when his hot mouth was suddenly over her breast, taking her hard nipple into his mouth and laving his tongue over it. Pleasure seemed to spiral from her breast and then the other as his hand cupped her forgotten one. Her hands flew up to his head and got lost in his hair as he continued his assault.
“Oh, god, Angel,” Buffy gasped. “Don't stop.”
And he didn't. Not for several minutes as Buffy felt something inside her building. She knew what an orgasm was. She was prone to taking a few minutes to touch herself at times and knew that this was something different. Before she could focus on the oddly placed feeling, she felt Angel stop touching her all together and he pulled away from her, her hands falling to her sides as they fell limp, her nipple growing more erect when the cool air touched where his hot mouth had been.. Her eyes snapped open.
Angel immediately stood from the couch and watched closely as a myriad of emotions seemed to pass over Buffy's face. Hurt, embarrassment, lust and an awfully large dose of innocent confusion at his sudden action. Then he took his shirt off over his head and moved to unbutton his pants, pushing them down his hips, leaving him standing in dark maroon boxers.
Buffy smiled in relief and pleasure when he once more settled over her, his mouth finding hers again. She blushed when she felt his immediate arousal against her thigh, but she tamped down the feeling to gasp and turn into the feeling. She was at a loss of what to do and it disturbed her more than anything. With this man, she was completely speechless and so far from her fiery self that Buffy was lost. Until he touched her nose with a soft kiss and gazed into her eyes.
“Buffy,” Angel began, then paused. “Tell me you want to leave and I'll let you. Because if you don't I'm going to take you right here and I don't think I'll be able to stop.”
Buffy raised her eyebrows at his serious tone and knew without a doubt that she wouldn't be leaving that apartment for a long while if she had anything to do with it. Buffy grinned and her eyes sparkled, making Angel want to rip her remaining clothes off and screw her right then and there.
“Shut up, Angel,” she said happily, her lips returning to his as she seemed to glow with a confidence she had not earlier had. Angel did just that and kissed her back.
They kissed for a long moment before Angel's hands began their exploration once more. Sliding one down her side, pausing to fondle her breast once more before continuing, her leaned against his other elbow so as to not crush her. His long fingers grazed her taut stomach before resting at the hem of her flowery skirt. Then he slipped them in and she felt a fire begin from between her legs. Something she had never experienced when she was by herself.
“Buffy,” Angel murmured against her lips as he pushed his digits underneath her panties. Buffy gasped into his mouth as he settled a finger against her vaginal lips, pushing to go deeper. He seemed to slide around easily and she couldn't help but moan into his mouth when he put pressure right where she needed it.
Angel smirked against her, feeling her hot honey already soaking his hand. She would be more than ready for him, but he couldn't help himself as she stroked her clit gently. Buffy broke the kiss and moaned in a strangled tone. He rubbed it more insistently and he felt her hips jerk against his hand from where she laid beneath him. Then he started crawling down her body.
Buffy was lost in a haze of pleasure coming from the hard pressure of his hand between her legs that she didn't immediately notice the absence of his heavy bulk on top of her until she felt his hand move away from her. She then felt his nimble fingers pulling her skirt and panties down in one pull, exposing her completely. A blush of bright red covered her instantly and she moved her hands to cover herself. Angel chuckled, kissing her hands gently before moving them out of the way.
“No!” Buffy said, afraid. What if there was something wrong with her? What if he didn't like it and pushed her away? Buffy knew that she would probably be scarred for the rest of her life if that happened and she felt stark fear course through her.
Angel once again chuckled at her before shaking his head instead of responding. Holding her hands on either side of her hips, he knelt down before her and kissed her downy hair softly before moving down further, kissing a line of pleasure as she reached her clit. His tongue flicked out and gave it a languid lick that caused Buffy to jerk her hips against his face insistently. His hands shot out to hold them in place and hers found their way into his hair, moving to hold his face in place as he sucked on her clit gently. She gasped his name, arching her back and fighting the urge to thrust into his face violently.
Buffy was surprised at how wonderful it felt to have his tongue on her instead of his fingers. Sensations she had never known pierced her body and she moaned loudly before whimpered for more, for him to stop, then not stop, then his name as he increased his ministrations. He could feel her body shaking as she neared her crisis and he felt the urge to tease her before tamping it down. He sucked against her in a rougher fashion that had Buffy bucking her hips in his hands as she shouted. Then he bit down and Buffy tensed as her orgasm attacked her, rolling through her body.
Buffy gasped Angel's name, her fingers gripping his hair tightly between her fingers as she pushed against his face, her juices soaking him as she rode out her orgasm. Nothing had ever felt as good as that and she yearned for more. With shaky limbs, she released his dark locks and fell completely limp on the couch. Angel leaned over her again, wiping his hand across his face, smearing her juices everywhere.
Buffy's eyes were closed as she smiled dreamily before opening them and kissing him roughly, not mindful of the fact that she could taste herself on his lips. Buffy opened her legs and felt him move to settle between them, resting his narrow hips over hers. She could feel his hard erection through the soft material of his boxers and she unconsciously moved against it, enjoying the soft feeling of his boxer shorts.
Angel groaned in her mouth as she wrapped her legs around him, her feet resting against the hollows of his knees. She smiled at the low growl that emanated from his chest and moved from his lips, kissing his jaw. Angel's hips thrust against her wet sex and she curled her toes at the hardness being pressed to her.
Knowing what was to come and praying that it didn't hurt, Buffy stroked his back, her fingers grazing his boxers softly before dancing away as they kissed once more, his hips starting a small thrust against her already. She felt anticipation and fear at the same time and felt adrenaline rush through her.
Angel wondered how long it would take for him to finally break down and take her with all he had. But he knew he had to be gentle with her. He could only assume that she was still a virgin. He felt honored and bit horrified that he was to be her first. But all thoughts flew from his mind as she clutched him tighter.
Buffy felt him move to remove his boxers and she helped enthusiastically, her hand pushing them down with his. Buffy pushed them down to his knees with her feet and felt a hot liquid leak down her thigh where his thick cock was resting. It caused her to shiver at the temperature differences.
Then Angel had her hand captured in his and moved it between them. His eyes were shut as he moved to wrap her hand around his throbbing dick. Buffy gasped and moved to shake her head when he whispered,” Shh. It's okay. Just touch it.”
After a moment of hesitation, Buffy wrapped her fingers around his thickness and gasped at how large it was. She had a fleeting thought to how he would fit inside her before he covered her hand and helped her move. He moaned, letting his head fall to the hollow at her neck where he began sucking at her jugular. Arching into his mouth from where he still lay huddled over her, Buffy stroked him a bit harder, squeezing her fingers around him. He shuddered and groaned against her neck before ripping her hand away and pinning beside her head.
“Condom,” he rasped in a husky voice, his hand flying to his pants. Finding the desired pocket, he ripped open the package with his teeth and sat up, quickly rolling the rubber on as if he had done it a million times. Then he was over her again and he had her pinned to the couch, his breathing heavy as he seemed to be pacing himself.
Thinking that she had done something wrong when he pulled away, Buffy moved to speak only to be met with his lips as he positioned his hips over hers. She could feel his cock resting against her and she couldn't really tell the difference after he had put the condom on, thrusting her hips into him as he rested the mushroom head at the entrance to her tight hole.
Angel met her gaze. “This is going to hurt,” he whispered and Buffy nodded, trying to mentally build a wall to the pain. That was until he started slowly inching inside of her and she gasped as waves of horrible pain washed over her. This was worse than when she had broken her leg during a gymnastics routine when she had been younger, even worse when she had sprained her wrist the following year.
She felt like he was tearing her from the inside out and she let out a sharp cry as he continued further, pushing and ripping a barrier that had barred him from entering her further. Fighting the urge to cry though the tears welled up underneath her eyelids, Buffy bit her bottom lip as he was finally seated entirely within her. Her body was still accommodating to his width when he began to pull back out. Buffy clawed at his back to stop him, unwilling to go through the horrible pain again.
“Shhh,” Angel said soothingly into her ear, running his hand through her damp hair a couple of times. “It's okay. It gets better.”
It took several minutes of shallow thrusts for Buffy to finally begin to find a little pleasure in the act. Before she knew it, her small hips were rising against his slightly as he thrust a bit deeper. She gasped from pleasure instead of pain and Angel took that as a sign. Putting more force behind his thrusts, he pushed her deeper into the couch as Buffy began a small chant of loud moans and gasps.
She whimpered his name after what seemed like an eternity of small thrusts before she exploded around him, her vaginal walls fluttering around his still hard member. Angel gritted his teeth as Buffy arched into him once more, his hips never stopping. As she finally calmed, her hot juices running from between her legs, he began to thrust harder, causing his little blonde to gasp in pain and pleasure as he lightly hit her pelvic bone.
“Angel,” she whispered before taking up her earlier chant as she continued to build once more. Angel grunted in her hair as he muscles unconsciously clenched around him and he moaned loudly at the tightness of her small hole. Virgins were amazing.
Moments later, Buffy had risen her legs higher around his hips and was shouting, “Don't stop! Please... don't stop... yes... yes yes yes....”
Then she exploded once more, her orgasms shooting through her like a firecracker as Angel immediately followed, shooting his hot seed into the condom he wore before he slumped over her.
Buffy panted heavily against his shoulder and finally realized that she had dug her nails into his back so hard that she had left deep little half-moon marks. Angel was breathing heavily against her ear and she relaxed beneath him, basking in her climax.
They laid that way for what seemed like forever before Angel finally stirred. Rising up on shaky arms, he pulled free from her and walked into the bathroom where he promptly removed the condom, having pulled his boxers up. Buffy sat up on the couch,, crossing her arms over her chest in a protective manner, wincing at the incredible soreness coming from between her legs as well as small pains in muscles she never honestly knew she had.
And then Angel was sitting next to her once more and his hands were rubbing up and down her back gently as he whispered in her ear, “You were beautiful, Buffy. Fantastic. You're so gorgeous...”
Basking in what she could only interpret as satisfaction, Buffy leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder.
Once again, I'm having trouble writing this fic. I'm thinking of bringing in elements I've never written for so this will be a long one. Thank you so much for the feedback! It's awesome and I love it! Let me know what you think of this part!
Buffy stared at the brass sign before her, sighing as she read the letters over again. She didn't want to go up there. She didn't want to see her doctor. She didn't want to hear him say that she was most likely going to dream about this man for the rest of her life and there was nothing she could do about. No drugs could help her. No meditating. Nothing.
She was scared.
Pursing her lips, Buffy clenched her purse a little bit tighter, feeling the hard material dig into her palm. She had been so sure of this that night. Three nights ago. It had taken that long to get an appointment. But that didn't matter now. She was here now, on her break, and she wasn't going to back out. Not when she knew she needed this.
Seven years it had taken... and now they were back with what Buffy could only describe as a vengeance.
“Miss?”
Buffy's head snapped up at the sound of a male voice and she smiled uneasily at the doorman as he held the door open for her. He gave her a gentle one in return and Buffy was grateful. Licking her lips, she proceeded towards the bank of elevators, pushing the little arrow button pointing up. Buffy began chewing on her tongue as the little button glowed and one of the cars dinged its arrival.
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“Buffy,” Wesley Wyndham-Pryce said warmly as he stood from his desk. Buffy grinned in return. They met in the middle of the room and hugged briefly before Buffy pulled back. He smiled down at her. “How are you?”
“Peachy keen... and you? How's Lilah?” Buffy asked as she moved to sit in one of the plush chairs that rested before Wesley's desk.
Wesley breathed in deeply before answering as he sat down in his own chair. “Lilah,” he breathed, his brow furrowed as he clasped his hands on the desk. “Lilah is doing... fine. And it would appear that we have some new management coming in... a new boss.”
“Oh?” Buffy asked, leaning forward, temporarily pushing her earlier fears and thoughts away as she focused on the other man's life. “Really? What happened to the last... management?”
Wesley frowned. “Well, I suppose management isn't exactly the best word...” Wesley paused. “It's a sort of board of a men who control the finances and such. I was unfortunate enough not to start my own practice and so I'm forever stuck with... these men.”
Buffy furrowed her brow at his attitude. Something was bothering him. She could tell in his posture. Something he was definitely uncomfortable with. She'd known him long enough to sense it. “Are you okay?”
“Hmmm?” Wesley looked up from where he had been sifting through some papers. “Oh, yes. I'm fine... merely thinking. And you... you're looking wonderful, Buffy.”
Buffy looked down, a frown creasing her brow. “Yeah, well, I haven't been feeling so well, lately.”
“Ah, the dreams,” Wesley nodded, opening a small notebook and grabbing a pen from his desk. “I remember you speaking of them a couple of days ago... you requested more medicine, if I'm not mistaken?”
Buffy looked up, meeting his eyes. She nodded. “Yeah. More medicine to chase the bad people away,” she joked.
Wesley smiled patiently as he looked at her through his thin-wired glasses. “So, do tell me what has been going on in your dreams as of late.”
Sighing, Buffy sat back, her eyes fixed on the front of the desk as her mind remembered back to her dream. “Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to say that it was only one dream that had me running back to you.”
“Yes?”
Buffy nodded. “It was about... well, you know... Angel.”
“Oh?” Wesley looked to be contemplating her words as his posture stiffened lightly. “Angel, you say?”
“Yeah,” Buffy said, furrowing her brow at his reaction. “I mean, it wasn't anything big... it was just like the other ones. An exact replica of what happened earlier in the day except he's there.”
“And where were you this time?” Wesley asked, forcing his spine to relax as he moved comfortably into his role as psychiatrist. He watched as Buffy's cheeks darkened.
“I was on a date,” Buffy said, looking down at her hands as they played with the strap to her purse. “With a really nice guy, too.”
“Who is this young man you speak of?”
“Riley. Riley Finn... okay, dorky name, I know and the guy is kind of a... well, a doof... but he's nice...”
Wesley nodded, scratching the man's name down as he spoke, “Did everything go well?”
“Yeah... everything was great. We ate, he took me home.”
“Where did you meet this Mr. Finn?”
“On the elevator. He's my new neighbor and he asked me out and I said yes.”
Wesley looked up. “When was the last time you were on a date?”
Buffy looked at him in surprise. “At a time not worth mentioning,” she said jokingly and then continued at his pointed look, “A while.”
“How long would you say is a while?”
“Oh...” Buffy looked up to the ceiling, feigning thinking. She knew exactly when it was. Too long. It couldn't be helped that the guy - who happened to be a blind date and have long, greasy hair - scared her away from the dating scene, just as he had. “I'd say at least... a couple of months.”
Wesley nodded, not needing to prod her further. He assumed that it was longer than that at her stalling. Her body language read clearly that the subject was unpleasant and he could faintly remember her saying she was scared of dating after her encounter with Angel.
“You can continue if you'd like,” Wesley said, waving his hand in the air. Buffy was speaking before he could get his last word out.
“Well, the next thing I know, I'm waking up... after the dream... feeling... God, feeling sick, Wesley. I don't understand why he won't leave me head.”
“Well, it's obvious that it has something to do with your subconscious, Buffy. You are still clinging to your memory of him and you need to find a way to release that part of yourself.”
“Okay...” Buffy shook her head. "So... shrink me here, Wes. How do I do that?”
“It's not necessarily about getting help but believing that you can do it.”
Buffy looked at him as if he had grown a second head before looking down at the floor, not responding. It was something a kin to deja vu for Buffy. Hadn't Wesley said that exact thing to her just a couple of years ago. And a whole bunch of good that did. Deciding a subject change was probably the best route, she looked back to her doctor.
“The medicine was working, Wesley. It really was. I stopped taking it after a couple of months of repeat dreams and they stopped with it. It was as if I forgot all about him and everything that he did to me.”
Wesley paused at her words. “Everything he did?”
Buffy shot him a look. “Are you siding with a man that you've never met?” she snapped.
Wesley initial response was to explain his reasoning before he snapped his own mouth shut. That probably wouldn't be the best, especially with his current patient. Shaking his head, he didn't verbally respond as he moved to steer the conversation towards something more suitable, rather than arguing whose side he was on.
“Tell me about the dream.”
Buffy sighed deeply before resigning herself to her story. “It was one of the major ones. None of that little stuff, like him just saying hi, or something. This was a big one, Wes, and it felt so real...” Buffy closed her eyes, sighing as she opened them once more. “We were at dinner, me and Riley, and I felt like someone was staring at me. I was getting kind of pissed off that someone wouldn't knock it the hell off so I got up to go to the bathroom.”
Buffy sniffled as tears welled in her eyes, but she pushed them away. “I never got up during the real dinner,” she said softly. “So I was in the bathroom and I was telling myself that I was over Angel... thinking that that would actually take care of the bullshit in my head. And then... bam, he was there. Angel. Standing there, looking at me with his dark eyes and he looked... sad. Like he actually felt bad for killing our baby.”
Wesley studied her face. “Do you believe that he felt nothing for you or the baby, Buffy?”
“Well he had to not have, don't you think? I mean, dammit! He killed our child! I didn't even get the chance to see if it was a boy or a girl. I have to call it an it! How can someone normal... a human being, mind you... actually do that?”
Wesley didn't respond and the silence in the room was heavy until Buffy sighed angrily, wiping at a tear as it traced down her cheek.
“Well, there we were and he... looked so damn sad! Well, it made me sad and then he touched me... I couldn't bear to have him touch me...” Buffy closed her eyes. “And then he hugged me. And it felt so... wonderful, to have him touching me again.” Buffy looked down at her fingers. “Then he kissed me... and, well, you know how it goes.”
“You engaged in sexual intercourse with Angel in your dreams?” Wesley asked softly and Buffy looked up at him, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. She nodded before looking back down. She sighed as Wesley took note of something on his pad of paper.
“So...” Buffy breathed in deeply as she blinked away the tears. “What does it mean? I'm crazy, aren't I?” Buffy laughed uneasily.
Wesley smiled gently at her. “No, Buffy. You're not crazy. It would just appear that you have a hard time letting go of things. I can prescribe you some of the same medicine as last time, if you think that will help. I'm sorry to say that I have a meeting with my colleague to discuss some things in the next fifteen minutes. If I had more time, I would-“
“It's okay, Wesley. It's nice to talk to you about this. Willow - you know Willow? My best friend? - well, she isn't exactly happy with this subject.”
Wesley frowned. “Well, she is your best friend, is she not?”
Buffy nodded, running a hand across her eyes and her nose as she stood, bringing her purse over her shoulder. “Yeah, but ever since the whole Angel thing, she hasn't been receptive. It's this whole big thing where she blames herself for getting me involved with Angel and then not doing anything about it. I really think she hates him.”
“Ah,” Wesley said, nodding as he stood as well. “Well, shall I write the prescription for you?”
Buffy didn't hesitate in her response. “Yes. I'd feel much better if you did.”
Wesley nodded. “Alright. One moment... do you remember the exact-“
Buffy nodded. “Yeah, I brought the prescription with me. It's in my purse. I kind of figured that would be a problem considering you wrote the first one so long ago. Hang on...” Shuffling through her purse, she revealed a piece of paper, reaching over to hand it to the tall man before her when his phone switched on.
“Mr. Wyndham-Pryce, Mr. Ro-“
Wesley snatched the phone up into his hand, ignoring Buffy's hand as he brought the phone to his face. “Yes, yes, okay, thank you. That will be all.”
Without waiting for a reply from his secretary, Wesley placed the phone back down, turning to Buffy. He smiled at her raised eyebrows and moved to take the paper from her hand. “Now, on to that prescription.”
“Wesley, are you-“
Buffy was interrupted as his phone switched on once more and Wesley inwardly cursed his phone for doing it automatically. Then both of them froze as a deep voice echoed in the large room.
“Wesley. Don't mean to bother you but you're running kind of late. Hurry your ass up and get in here.”
Buffy's hand started shaking almost immediately as his voice echoed in the room and the piece of paper fell from her fingers. Her eyes welled with tears as she stared at the black piece of equipment.
“Angel?” she asked, her voice dry and filled with more emotional pain than any woman should have to experience as Wesley watched her closely.
“Buffy-“
But she didn't hear him as she fell to the floor, unconsciousness taking her as darkness enveloped her mind.
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“Buffy!” Wesley shouted as he watched the blonde fall to the floor. Moving quicky around his desk, he dodged between the chairs before kneeling next to the petite woman. Training caused for him to reach for her wrist, checking her pulse as he stared at her face. “Buffy?... Buffy?”
There was a loud knock on his door and he looked up sharply as the door opened, revealing a tall, black man encased in a tight business suit. His face was amused as he stepped in before immediately turning to alarm at the sight before him.
“Wesley, what the hell is going on?” Charles Gunn demanded of the man as he stepped into the room, the open door forgotten. Wesley ignored him.
“She fainted, Gunn. I figured that was fairly obvious.” Wesley, without taking his eyes away from Buffy, spoke to Gunn, “There are some smelling salts in my drawer. Please get them.”
Gunn nodded, moving to Wesley's desk, opening the first drawer before closing it, then repeating. “What happened to make her faint?”
Wesley shook his head before shrugging. “I was sincerely hoping she wouldn't find out,” he muttered.
Gunn looked up at him. “What? She your mistress or something?”
Wesley looked over his shoulder to glare at the younger man. “Most certainly not,” he snapped, turning back to Buffy. “It has something to do with Mr. Roarke.”
“The new boss-man?” Gunn asked as he came up behind Wesley, the small bottle in his hands. “What does she have to do with him?”
“It's rather hard to explain,” Wesley grunted before grabbing the smelling salts and weaving them under Buffy's nose.
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Buffy felt the strongest urge to sneeze as consciousness seized her in its grasp, forcing her to open her eyes. Two blurry figures were bent over her. She could dimly hear one of them talking to her, calling her name. Shaking her head, she squeezed her eyes shut. What had happened?
Angel... Angel... Angel... Angel...
Buffy frowned as the voice echoed in her mind. “What-“
“Oh, thank God, Buffy,” Wesley breathed. “Are you okay? Are you dizzy?”
Buffy blinked blankly at the man hovering above her. “Angel?”
Wesley moved to speak when someone beat him to it.
“Buffy?”
Wesley and Gunn's heads snapped to the door to see their new boss stood a hairbreadth from entering the room. His entire body was taut with increasing tension as his eyes widened. Visible panic seemed to grab him by the lapels of his jacket and he backed out of the room, turning in a daze as he headed towards his office, his pace increasing until a soft slam echoed in the large hall.
Gunn turned to look at Wesley oddly, feeling like the odd man out only to see him moving to help the small blonde to her feet. She looked as if she was ready to break in half. “Are you okay?”
Buffy looked up towards the man who spoke, someone she had never seen before. She shook her head, turning back to Wesley. Her face crinkled in pain. “Wesley?”
Wesley looked down at her pained expression before wrapping his arm around her small shoulders. “Hush, Buffy. I suggest we get you a cab, hmmm?”
Buffy shook her head in odd denial as he guided her towards the door, her eyes darting around in the hallway as if looking for someone. Her body was tight with fearful anticipation. She looked like she waiting was for someone to attack her.
Gunn shook his head in confusion. He didn't know what was happening, nor understand any of Wesley's odd behavior. It felt as if his mind was in a small state of disarray as his boss unconsciously showed them a side he was sure none of them were ever meant to see. Stepping from his office, he watched as he escorted the woman towards the elevators. He then turned his head towards his new boss' office and saw the blinds move slightly as if resettling into their original position.
Shaking his head, he moved towards his own office.
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His dark eyes traced their every move as he watched her exit the room. He saw her look back at where she had seen him disappear and he allowed himself to meet her eyes before moving away from the blinds, blocking her view of him. He waited exactly three seconds before moving back to them.
Poking his fingers through the plastic, he let his eyes rove over her body. She was thinner than when he had last seen her, but she still looked beautiful. She had grown into her body. Where there used to be baby fat was now sculpted bones that spoke of her age. She was gorgeous and she was no less tanned than she had been when he had first met her.
Compared to him, she was a goddess. His pale complexion was all that was left of the days where he would walk around, golden as he could get. There were constant dark circles under his eyes. But he never allowed himself to sleep. It meant reliving things he would prefer to keep in the past. Things he wished he could take back and then a split second later realize that it was for the best.
Seeing her... here, in reality, her body not shapely with their child, nor carrying any extra fat the pregnancy might have given her. Her breasts were firm and looked as if they could still fit in the palm of his hand. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't carrying their child. She didn't have a child. Because of him.
Closing his eyes, Angel turned away from the window as Buffy entered the elevator and Charles Gunn turned to look at him. Retreating into the dark office, he looked around before collapsing into one of the plush couches in the far corner of the large room.
He couldn't believe she was there. Why was she there? Wesley was her psychiatrist? How could he not know? Wasn't he the boss around here? Shouldn't he know these things. Groaning, Angel leaned forward, burrowing his face into his hands as he realized that he had seen the one woman he had ever had actual feelings for... no, scratch that... she was a girl at the time. She hadn't even been legal and he had gotten her pregnant, made her get rid of it and abandoned her, all in the space of a couple of weeks. What should have been a happy high school experience was trashed by his callous use of her.
Angel felt like he was going to be sick. Sighing as he let his hands fall between his legs, he stared at the floor before his eyes drifted towards his ring finger on his left hand. It was empty at the moment, but soon it would be carrying around a nice silver wedding band that would surely cost a pretty penny.
He was going to be getting married in a month. His fiancee was pregnant, although it hadn't yet been confirmed by a doctor. She had told him a month ago. It had been one of the main reasons he had asked her to marry him. She was carrying around his child while the shell of what had once been a thriving girl had just walked out of his offices, looking as if the weight of world was on her shoulders.
What had he done? What had made him do what he had done so long ago? Why was he such a stupid fucking bastard? How could he hurt her? How could he hurt anyone like her? Angel wanted to say that it wasn't possible but the evidence had just walked right before his eyes.
And now he was going to marry a woman he had only known for six and a half months because she was supposedly pregnant with his child.
Angel felt like emptying his stomach right there on the floor.
The song used in this part is Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan
November 1999
The tears wouldn't stop.
They couldn't.
They shouldn't.
The strong arms that surrounded her were comforting and stiff at the same time. She could feel the rage of emotions in the man holding her, yet she could do nothing for him. How could she when she was feeling such horrible pain?
Her fingers clutched his arms, her nails digging into his muscles every few moments as a new wave of pain attacked her. What was she going to do? What were they going to do?
She could feel it... the baby within her body. She could feel it. She didn't know how, she didn't even have the confirmation from the doctor but she knew that it was there. It was a boy. Something was telling her this and she couldn't help but lean in and listen to the voice. It gave her a warm feeling to know that there was new life growing within her body, the kind of feeling only a mother could feel. It was something that couldn't be explained. She knew that she would do anything for this child. Anything for the man who cradled her in his strong arms. Anything.
Anything.
Such a strong word with so many meanings.
As her head rested against his chest, she could feel rather than hear his erratic heartbeat. He was scared. Of the baby? Of her? She knew that she didn't want to really know but it only gave a new meaning to the growing fear in her own chest. What were they going to do about this sudden step in their relationship?
The options were... limited, to say the least.
He was thirty, on the verge of thirty-one. She was only sixteen, turning seventeen in a matter of months. It was illegal, what they were doing. Everyone knew it, but no one knew about Buffy and Angel. And that was how it was going to stay.
She hadn't even told Willow about the pregnancy. Willow may have been a wonderful supporter when she didn't know Angel's true age, but had quickly changed her mind as Buffy became more and more involved with the older man. Willow was her best friend and Buffy knew that she loved her, but would never forgive her for what was happening in that minute.
Closing her eyes, Buffy felt her breath hitch as another sob tore from her throat. It hurt, to cry so much. But she couldn't stop. There was little comfort in his arms.
The arms holding her tightened as he lifted her a little higher. His head ducked down and she felt his surprisingly cool breath against her ear. He whispered softly, words of comfort... false words.
It only made it hurt more but she allowed herself to be fooled.
A small part of her hated herself in that moment. How could she have been so stupid? The voice of reason and logic was screaming at her and she fought the urge to scream back. That small part of her knew the words were right... how could she have allowed herself to get involved... and so heavily?
Allow her heart to be stolen by the much older man. Allow him to take her virginity, something she considered a prized gift. She had let herself give her everything to him.
It hurt to think. It hurt to keep her eyes open. It hurt to keep her options open. Hell, it hurt to speak. And it was all her fault...
Wasn't it?
“Everything will be okay, you'll see,” his voice whispered softly. Buffy breathed in deeply, letting his deep voice wash over her. It was comforting in such a way that everything fell away for a moment and they were merely a couple who were having a baby. A couple. Not an illegal relationship.
Pushing her face into his damp shoulder, she breathed in, his scent filling her senses. He smelled so good... so much like what she needed to smell. Was it wrong of her to think of him as home? Perhaps... but it was so nice... and simple...
“Are you okay?”
The answer was ringing in her ears: NO! Was she okay? She wasn't so sure...
“Are you?” she countered and she felt him still his rubbing on her back. Several minutes passed before he answered.
“I'm not sure,” was his soft reply. Buffy shut her eyes.
“Same here.”
An eternity could have passed in that moment for all Buffy cared. It felt like he was softening under her touch. She lifted her hand to touch his chest and she felt him react, as if on instinct as his hand came up to cup the back of her head, running his fingers through her hair. Lifting her head, knowing she must have looked like death in that moment, she stared up at him.
His dark eyes... his deep, ocean-like eyes, stared back at her, almost seeming black in the fading sunlight. The room was getting darker with each minute and Buffy swallowed.
“Don't let me go,” she whispered, begged really.
His face was emotionless. Buffy didn't realize she was holding her breath until he nodded, such a small movement that had she not been staring as intently as she was, she knew she would have missed it. Furrowing her brow in anguish, she pushed herself forward, wrapping her arms around his torso, burrowing her face into his chest. She felt him lift his arms to wrap around her in return.
“Thank you,” she said softly, her dry eyes shut. “Thank you.”
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The first thing she was aware of was a warm arm holding her securely to an equally warm chest. Moving her face around in an attempt to discern her position without actually opening her eyes, she felt the softness of expensive silk rubbing against her cheek. Sighing, she finally opened her eyes as she shifted slightly.
Lifting her head, she looked up to see whom the chest belonged to only to come face to face with Angel's chin. She could see he was staring at the ceiling, a faraway look upon his face. He acknowledged her shifting by looking down at her. He spoke before she could.
“You said it was a boy... in your sleep.”
Buffy frowned at his tone. It was wondering and strongly regretful at the same time. Looking down, she closed her eyes before meeting his once more.
“Oh.”
Angel stared at her, his face shuttered completely. She was afraid to keep his gaze, yet equally afraid to break it. After several minutes of silence, he finally broke away, moving his eyes back to the ceiling.
Buffy laid her head back down on his chest, closing her eyes. The exhaustion was heavy in her body and she allowed her body to surrender.
Before she drifted off completely, she realized it was the first time she had stayed over. The first time he had held her as she slept.
The first time he had allowed it.
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Present
“Summers has called in sick.”
The older man looked up from where he was reading the document in his hand, his eyebrows up. “Summers?”
“Buffy. Buffy Summers. She's called in sick for the rest of the day. She took lunch and said she wasn't feeling well. She's taking care of the Robinson case, so I was wondering if I should assign it to someone else.”
“She's handling that? And she's not here?” the man asked, setting the stack of papers down as he too sat tall in his high-backed chair. “Get her in here. Now. That's far too important.”
The young man looked slightly indecisive for a moment before stepping fully into the office.
“Sir, she didn't sound good on the phone. She sounded like she watched her puppy being murdered. I'm afraid her state of mind isn't exactly what is needed for the Robinson case.”
The old man raised his eyebrows once more. “Really? Too bad. As I recall, that little blonde fought hard for this case and she knows too much and has put a decent amount of time into it. Too much to bring in a new person. I want her in here.”
“Sir-“
“Now. Do not argue with me, Michael. She chose to be a social worker, so she's going to have to deal with that. Bring her in here. Tell her I want that case report by the end of the day tomorrow.”
There really was no room left for arguing. The younger man sighed in defeat before agreeing and leaving the room. He dreaded the phone call he was going to have to make. She did not sound like she was going to be able to handle very much.
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The phone rang for the fourth time and Buffy finally pulled herself from the comfortable haven of her bed. It couldn't be work. She had called in. Maybe it was Willow. Maybe it was Faith. Maybe it was someone she was definitely going to hang up on. Handling a full conversation at the moment was not in the books.
“Hello?”
It was still hard to believe that Angel was Wesley's new boss. She had been in that office more times than she could count and she had never known. How long had he been there? From the way things had gone, she knew that he hadn't known about her. The look on his face would have been comical had his presence not hit so close to home. Or more like at home. Right in the living room. Or her bedroom.
“Michael? I can't come in right now...”
The shock of hearing his deep voice echoing in Wesley's office was still heavy in her head. She couldn't quite believe that the man whom she had fallen in love with so long ago and then crushed every dream and hope she had ever had was in her life again. She knew she was going to need to get a new doctor. There was no way she would be able to step foot anywhere he had. It was just too hard.
Knowing he didn't love her.
Knowing he didn't want their baby.
She was going to have to locate a new doctor as soon as possible.
“The Robinson case?”
Buffy listened intensely. As Michael's small words from the other side of the line filtered through her ear, she began to think that maybe it was better that she did go into work. It would definitely help her keep her mind off of what had happened. In the office where Wesley worked for Angel. Angel's office. The office of Angel.
Angel.
“I'm sorry, what?”
Closing her eyes as his words formed, she sighed. Several stalled seconds passed as she contemplated going in. At least she would look like she was getting work done. That would count, right?
“Okay, I'm on my way.”
Moving to hang up, she paused as the man on the other side expressed his concern for her. She would have smiled at his kindness if she could.
“I'm fine. Just a little... down. I'll be in in a few minutes... okay, bye.”
Hanging up, she turned around, moving towards her discarded work clothes. Slipping them back on, she moved to the bathroom to brush her hair and fix her makeup.
Then she was out the door.
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The dread that filled him was horrible. It had taken him an extra two hours before he finally allowed himself to exit the office, and that was only to see if he had missed any messages. Perhaps something from Buffy. But then why would she do that after the horror he had subjected her to? Why would she put herself through something like that?
As he stood on the doorstep to his new house, he held the key in his hand, but made no move to push it into the lock. That would mean he would have to see his fiancee and their dog. That meant he would have to kiss her hello and put up with her questions about his mood. He didn't know if he had the energy to handle the bombardment she always seemed to throw at him.
But isn't that what he deserved? Plus so much more. But not from his soon-to-be-wife. He shouldn't even be considering marrying her. Their relationship had been a shallow one, at best, and only after he had asked her to marry him had she really opened up and shown him the different side of her.
He didn't love her. That was the bottom line. He cared for her, on some level, but knew that it wasn't something he would be interested in keeping. He was deeply ashamed to admit that the largest influence on his question was the fact that she was carrying his child.
He couldn't very well ask her to give the little child up so he could move on... as he had with Buffy. He had already destroyed enough lives. Why subject another human being to his nasty wrath? No matter the person.
Sighing deeply, Angel closed his eyes as his thoughts drifted back to the small blonde that had appeared back in his life. He remembered so vividly the day he had told her that the only solution was to get an abortion. Everything had seemed so clear that day. So simple that he had truly thought he had been doing something right. But he hadn't. He had been wrong. Very wrong.
He had not been prepared for the emotional upheaval after leaving the girl. And that was what she had been. A girl. A young woman who had had her entire life to look forward to. He couldn't have stayed with her. It would have been much too complicated and he would have probably wound up in jail. The only option was leaving.
Either way he had destroyed her. He remembered her broken and confused face as he told her his wishes. He remembered her denying it. Then giving in. It had been so easy. She loved him. She had proclaimed it so vehemently when she had told him she was pregnant. It had been easy to get her to give in.
Too easy.
The urge to find her and beg her forgiveness, make her see that he had had no real choice, was like a brick being thrown at his head. It was strong and it was painful. And he knew that he couldn't.
She wouldn't accept it, surely. And how could she?
Sighing at his deep thoughts, he moved to open the door. Might as well get this over with. Tell her everything was fine, go take a scalding shower and then attempt to sleep in the bed he shared with a woman he sometimes considered a stranger, nightmares plaguing him, pleasant, torture-like dreams pleasing him at other times.
Either way, it was going to be hell.
Pushing the door open, Angel stepped in. He didn't yell his arrival. She would probably hear. Looking around as he allowed his briefcase to fall to the floor, he noticed how everything shined. It was perfect. Immaculate, even. It was exactly what a man should want. His pregnant wife staying home all day, pampering herself, keeping the house clean and the chores done.
Keeping the baby healthy.
Angel felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. He shouldn't be here. Not after seeing her. Not after reliving the hell he had put her through. Here he was, standing in his perfect life, feeling as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, everyone around him calling him scum.
It just wasn't right to be here while Buffy was probably somewhere else, perhaps even doing the same. The fact that he assumed her to be unhappy caused an unsettling feeling to capture his stomach and he looked down to the floor as she removed his jacket. He was really sick, wasn't he? How could he merely assume that she was just as miserable as him?
As the thought ran through his head, he found himself wishing that she had been married and had children. That her reaction to his presence in the offices today had merely been from total shock and that she had truly forgotten him. Moved on. Been happy.
And then there was that small, horribly selfish part of him that knew he was lying to himself. It had pained him to admit that he had feelings for the little girl and now that he had seen her, he realized that he loved her. He had loved her and would probably always love her.
The throbbing in the back of his head was put on pause as his fiancee appeared from upstairs.
“Honey, you're home,” she said softly as she padded down the stairs. Her hand was laying on her stomach and Angel watched as she walked down.
Forcing a smile on her face, he replied, “In time for dinner?”
Christina Lornes smiled. “Of course. As always. And how was work?”
Angel sighed inwardly as he answered, moving deeper into the house.
This was his life now. Lying and fighting himself. This was what he had created for himself.
If looked at in the correct shadows, it truly was hell.
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November 1999
Buffy could feel that she was no longer with the heavy bulk of the man she had been lying with earlier. She felt her finger twitch lightly as she fought to open her eyes. Her body instantly rejected the movement she made as she slowly turned in the bed. Blinking, she opened her eyes and found herself in a heavily shadowed room.
Looking around, she finally rested her eyes on the crouched figure sitting in what looked like an incredibly uncomfortable chair. Furrowing her brow, Buffy could literally feel his heavy gaze as he stared at her. It filled her with the incredible urge to run. She didn't like the chills that rained down her body.
“Angel?”
His sigh echoed. She could sense his hesitation and she sat up more fully in the comfortable bed. She had never actually slept in it before. She had only made love to him as he made love to her.
“Are you okay?”
“Buffy-“
Dread filled her like water filling an empty bottle. It hit her with such intensity that she inhaled sharply.
A moment passed before his low voice reached her ears.
“I think you should get an abortion.”
Time froze. Nothing moved. Neither breathed, Angel waiting for her reaction and Buffy disbelieving. He couldn't be serious. An abortion? He wanted to... abort their child? Kill it?
“What?” she whispered. The silence in the room allowed her small voice to echo loudly and it was clearly heard when she began to breath heavily. “Oh, my God.”
“Buffy, this could never work. I'm thirty years old. You're sixteen. We both know that this is... illegal...”
Buffy didn't hear him as he continued speaking. All she could hear was her own mind working. He wanted to kill their baby boy. He wanted to get rid of their physical link. He didn't want her. He didn't love her. He didn't love their child.
“This will never work. You're too young to have a child. I think an abortion is the only option.”
“The only option?” Buffy said harshly, her voice defensive and her eyes slightly wild as she moved her arms around her middle unconsciously. “You mean actually giving birth to my son is out of the question?”
“You don't even know if-“
“If what?” Buffy asked loudly. “If I'm pregnant? If it's a boy? If I'm telling you the truth?”
Neither moved to speak. She met his gaze with her own as best she could in the dark. Several minutes passed by before Angel finally spoke once more.
“You're getting an abortion,” Angel said as he stood. “I don't want this child. I don't want you. All I want is to get out of this freak show of a relationship.”
Buffy felt like she had been slapped. The stinging pain that arched in her body was enormous as she watched him leave the room, closing the door behind him quietly.
A freak show?
Is that what he thought of this?
Feeling the hot tears slipping from her eyes, all Buffy could do was stare at the door as she cried silently.
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What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate had lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do...
and I have a sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
Willow had never seen her friend so... disconnected.
The redhead watched as her best friend stirred her coffee, staring at the contents blankly. It seemed as if she looked away, she would disappear from that spot.
“Buffy,” Willow began gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“What's there to talk about, Will?” Buffy asked dryly, finally lifting her half-cold coffee to her lips. “The guy who ruined my life walks back into it and just bolts. Not even an 'I'm sorry I fucked up your life, Buffy'.”
Willow winced at her friend's coarse language. She didn't really have a response for her friend. She could remember so vividly the events that had turned Buffy's life upside down. She could see it now the first time she pushed Buffy to go talk to the handsome stranger, having no idea that he would be the one to change her life so completely. And then being so against their relationship she was willing to jump off a cliff. She knew that most of the blame fell on her. She had been a little more than eager to push Buffy into that relationship. He hadn't looked as old as he was and Willow thought that she would give the 'I'm-your- best-friend-so-it's-my-job-to-find-you-a-boyfriend' thing a try, but she had failed miserably the first time.
The redhead still remembered hearing about the first time Buffy slept with Angel. Anger, disbelief, embarrassment... even a little joy. But along with that joy came the guilt. What had she done? Buffy had been against even talking to the stranger and Willow had pushed her. Plus there was the fact that Angel was fourteen years older than the blonde. Willow hated reliving the entire situation and knew she would hate this conversation, but she felt she had no choice. Buffy was in a much worse place than Willow was.
“Well, what happened... exactly?” Willow asked uneasily.
Buffy sighed. She didn't really want to talk about it. She didn't even want to think about. She barely had, as a matter of fact, for the last two days, instead throwing herself completely into her work. The only time she dwelt for more than four minutes on it was before she had gotten the call from Michael to come back to the office. Now, all she did was work. She got the praise, but it really meant nothing because the reasoning behind her newfound energy was false.
“He was there... the boss, I guess, or whatever. Head psychiatrist.” Shifting in her seat, Buffy kept her eyes locked on her cup of coffee. “I was talking to Wesley about this... intense dream I had had. I was there to get some more of that medicine I had been taking, to help me sleep. For some reason, all of those... dreams I had when Angel left just came rushing back. You know... I would relive the day and Angel would be there...”
Willow stared at her friend sympathetically as a tear coursed down her pale cheek. Buffy reached up to wipe it away before continuing.
“But this one... God, it felt so real...” Sighing heavily, Buffy finally looked up to her friend. “But I don't want them anymore. I don't want to remember the guy who left me and killed our baby.”
Willow almost said that Buffy needed to move on. She was clearly still hung over on Angel, even after all these years. But hadn't that been what she was trying to do? Something inside of her wouldn't let her move on and it was slowly killing her best friend and Willow felt scared. If a doctor couldn't help her, then what would she do? She could hardly go on a date without automatically dreaming of Angel, let alone move on.
“Well, I was leaving when Wes' secretary suddenly said something about his boss needing him.” Buffy paused, her eyes ticking towards the wall behind Willow's head as realization dawned on her. “Wesley knew what she was going to say. He stopped her before his secretary could say his boss' name.”
“Oh, Buffy...”
“Although I'm sure he's known for a long time. God, I can only imagine what Angel knows about me.” Closing her eyes, Buffy sighed again before looking back down to her coffee. “Anyway, I was leaving and Wesley said he would get me the medicine when... Angel's voice came on. He sounded so... annoyed and mad and...”
Buffy couldn't help the sob that escaped her lips as she continued. “Just like he sounded the night he told me to get an abortion,” she whispered sadly.
Willow reached forward, grasping Buffy's hand tightly, but saying nothing.
“It felt like everything was moving in slow motion and all I could think was, 'Angel's here. He's here. He's here'.” Shifting in her chair once more, Buffy continued, “And then I guess I fainted because the next thing I smelled were those salt things that you wave in front of your nose.” Closing her eyes again, Buffy breathed, “And then he said my name.”
Willow squeezed her hand gently, her eyes sad and a sorrow-filled frown etched on her face.
“It felt like... like my heart just cracked, right there.” Breathing in quickly, Buffy fought the sob that once more fought to tear from her lips. “He just stared at me before turning away. He turned away from me. He ran. Again.”
Another tear slipped from Buffy's eye, but this time she ignored it. “Wesley escorted me from the building and got me a cab home. He didn't say anything,” she said, suddenly angry and bitter. “Nothing. He didn't explain or try to make excuses. He just smiled at me before going back in.”
Wiping the tear away, Buffy sat up straighter and released Willow's hand. Willow slowly retracted her arm, her eyes never leaving her friend's pained features.
“And that's what happened. I haven't heard from Wesley at all and I've been working for two days straight, trying to keep my damned mind off of Angel.”
A moment of silence passed between them before Willow tried to speak again. “Buffy, you have no idea how sorry I am. This is my fau-“
“No,” Buffy said sharply, her eyes soft as she met Willow's gaze. “It's not your fault. It's mine. If I hadn't been so fucking stupid. If I hadn't gotten involved with him, a thirty-year-old, none of this would have happened.”
“But I was the one to push you-“
“But I was the one to actually go through with it, Willow. How many times are we going to argue about this before you stop blaming yourself?”
“I might ask you the same question,” Willow responded quietly and Buffy stared at her for a moment before looking away.
Willow stared at the crown of her friend's head before turning back to her own drink, neither speaking another word.
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Wesley cursed. Cursed loudly.
His actions were rushed as he quickly went through his filing cabinets once more. It wasn't here. He knew he should have at least removed it before leaving for the day. He should have known that he would take it. Damn him.
No matter if he was the new lead of their department, he had no right to go through his patients' files. They were confidential and he knew that. He knew that, yet he took it. Which honestly didn't surprise him.
But it angered him to degrees he couldn't remember ever experiencing. He had known Buffy Summers for so long that he looked at her as a close friend, not as an actual patient. But he treated their sessions as such because it was appropriate and what she had requested. She had trusted him with everything. But this time, he had failed her.
How could he have been so damned stupid?
Searching through the piles upon piles of papers, he still couldn't find anything on the young blonde.
Cursing once more, Wesley left his office, slamming his door behind him as he turned towards Mr. Roarke's office.
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Angel had yet to actually open the bulky folder. It had been staring up at him from his coffee table for the last fifteen hours since he had went to Wesley's office and grabbed it. But he couldn't bring himself to even touch it anymore. He knew that everything from her past was in that folder. Including himself.
Angel scowled. How could he have not known? He couldn't believe that he was that sloppy as to actually pass her name on all of the paperwork that found its way to his desk. But he had and Wesley had been damn sneaky about keeping it from him. And he knew the reason. He was even a little glad that he had kept it from him. Angel would have been content to never know that Buffy Summers was a client at his offices. At least then he would be able to move on with the pathetic excuse of a life he lead.
Christina was gone for the afternoon, a girl's day out with her best friend, Cordelia. He still didn't understand why exactly they were friends in the first place. Christina was seven years older than Cordelia, thus making Angel fourteen years older than the young woman. Cordelia was rich, thanks to her husband, and snobby while the Christina he knew was the exact opposite. She didn't necessarily care about money, or didn't seem to as Angel remembered finding some rather large bills on his credit card. But he had ignored them because it was easier that way. There was really no need to make a big deal out of something that wasn't. Right?
Shaking himself of his thoughts, Angel leaned back against the overstuffed couch, his arms crossed over his chest almost protectively as he once more contemplated the idea of reading everything on Buffy. It was wrong on so many levels and Angel still couldn't believe that he had gone in and stolen it. That was exactly what he had done. He had stolen the damn file.
A fear he had never known rested in his heart. What would happen when he read it? What had she said about their relationship all those years ago? About him? He was surprised that Wesley had known all of this about him and still accepted him as the new leader of their department. He knew that Wesley should have said something, either to him or to Buffy, but he hadn't. That was against some rules somewhere, he knew. He wondered at that. Why had Wesley not done anything? Were he and Buffy such friends that he wanted to protect her? Were they more than that? Lovers?
Angel couldn't believe what he was thinking. Lovers? Wesley wouldn't to that. Would he?
Shaking his head of the disgustingly heavy thoughts and more than little mad with himself that he was actually jealous - she wasn't his anymore. She hadn't really ever been, had she? It was just him taking advantage of an innocent girl, trying to get his kicks - he wondered if Wesley had found out that he had taken the file.
What would he do? Call someone? Surely. Wesley's first thoughts were always with his patients and he knew that, from past events, Buffy was among the specially cared for.
Shifting on the couch, Angel almost reached forward before deciding against it. He had no right to even look at the cover of the manilla folder. No right at all and here he was, ready to look into his ex-lover's past without her consent or knowledge. What had become of him? When had he sunk to such a desperate level? Hadn't he given up that part of his life long ago? She was no longer in it, right?
Wrong.
She was always there, in the back of his mind, no matter what. He remembered the look of ecstasy on her face as he gave her pleasure, her beautiful hazy eyes as she looked up at him. The look of abject misery etched all over her face when he told her that he wanted an abortion. That he wanted nothing to do with her. But hadn't it been for her own good? He had done it to protect her and to allow him to give her a better life.
He could see both of them walking into the doctor's office clearly as if it had happened yesterday, ready for the operation and Buffy's small, hunched over figure as she disappeared into the room, objecting to his presence. He could see it in her eyes. She wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing at all. She blamed him for everything that was suddenly wrong in her life, and wasn't he the one to blame after all? He had practically violated everything that was beautiful about her and tainted it to his pleasure. And then got her pregnant at such a young age and then threw it all away, right in front of her.
How could he have not scarred her, at least a little?
Guilt hit him at that thought. What was he thinking? How could he think that he had taken such a significant part in ruining her life and actually seem a little... proud? Angel felt like being sick and closed his eyes. He had ruined her life, when she had been young. He had given her something new, and suddenly ripped it away. He thought he had been clear when he said that he didn't want the long term relationship most girls her age wanted. He had just wanted a little fun, but she had clearly misinterpreted it.
When she had told him that she was pregnant with his child, the baby boy she claimed grew in her, she had also told him she was in love with him. God, she was in love with him. He hadn't known what to think after that. What do you say to something like that when the entire time you had thought it was just a fun fling? How could he have not seen it happening before his eyes? He didn't understand.
After the baby was gone, he left as well. He didn't speak to her or say goodbye, rather just left. That last time he saw her before the incident in Wesley's office had been in the doctor's office as she slowly told him it was done. She had then left after rejecting his ride home.
Angel thought that meant she was going to forget him and everything that had to do with him. He saw that as the ultimate rejection and decided that leaving was the best route. So he left, moving three thousand miles away to live in New York. He had started his own little business before selling it away to take a better job down here. He couldn't deny that he automatically thought of Buffy at the offer's first mention.
But he had assumed she moved. He had been seriously wrong.
He had met Christina when he finally moved here. She was in a small bookstore and Angel had smiled at her. She smiled back and they started dating. The instant she said she was pregnant, Angel immediately, right that moment, got down on his knee and proposed to her. He had promised her that he would never leave her, never leave their baby, that he would always be there.
All because of the little blonde whom now haunted his life like nothing other.
Angel didn't even know what he felt for her. Not that he ever did. When he had first met Buffy, she had been an object of lust, someone to seek to sate his need. When they finally had sex, she had turned into a little obsession. She was so innocent to the world of sex that Angel had gladly, and instantly, taken the role of her instructor. And she had been a great student, always eager and never saying no.
Maybe that was where he should have realized something was up. She never said no to him. Not once. She was timid at times, but when he asked, she always said she was ready. He couldn't even remember her saying the word no in their entire relationship together. She never really asked for anything, either. It was as if she was there just to keep him happy.
And then she shut him out. Buffy never did that, where he was concerned, so he had instantly sought her out. She was nowhere to be found. If she was at her mother's house, he couldn't do anything because he was sure the thought of a thirty-year-old asking about a sixteen-year-old would surely freak her mother out. She wasn't at work. She was never at her school whenever he was there looking for her. She was avoiding him.
Finally, he cornered her. And everything spilled out. Everything. She was pregnant, she was scared, she was in love with him... she loved him. The next day, after letting her spend the night with him for the first time in so many long months, he suggested getting rid of the baby.
That was when she truly shut him out. It was a little terrifying knowing that she suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. She had stayed in his bed for an hour before finally leaving his bedroom and just walking out the door, not looking him. Angel would never forget the image of her tear-stained face and her arms hugging her stomach tightly. She had looked so little and so damned young then.
It had only reminded him why he had to let her go. He couldn't be with her. He couldn't let her keep his baby either because the rational part of him knew that she would sooner or later tell the police what had been going on and then he would rot in jail for the rest of his life.
But, judging by current events, she had never uttered a word to anyone besides Wesley... and possibly Willow.
The phone suddenly ringing interrupted Angel's thoughts and he jumped, unconsciously looking towards the clock that hung over the large TV. He had been sitting there for an hour, doing nothing but stare at the folder on his table.
Sighing heavily, Angel stood slowly, dreading whoever was calling. He didn't feel like talking at the moment. And that was exactly what he was going to tell the person on the other end.
Reaching the phone, Angel picked up the handset before pausing at the name on the Caller ID. “Roarke & Giles Inc” followed by Angel's office number. Someone was calling from his office.
Angel didn't have time to consider whoever the hell it was before the answering machine picked up, his fiancee's clear voice echoing in the very empty house.
“Hi, you've reached Angel and Christina. We're not in right now but if you could please leave a message, we will gladly get back to you. Thanks.”
A loud beep followed before Wesley's angry voice came over the speaker. “Hello, this is Mr. Pryce with Roarke & Giles Incorporation, and I need to speak to Mr. Roarke immediately. It is very important. Thank you.”
There was none of the pleasantness in his tone that Angel was used to. It was completely non-existent, replaced instead with anger. Angel stared at the machine for a moment, stared at the blinking number one as it reminded him that there was a message waiting for him.
Slowly, he replaced the phone back in its charger before turning around. Looking at the table and the folder, Angel moved forward with a new resolve. A resolve that was seriously misplaced in reasoning.
Sitting down, Angel grabbed the thick file and placed it in his lap before opening it.
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“Do you think I would look good in this? It doesn't make my ass look... huge, or anything, does it?” Cordelia Chase asked, turning around in a tight circle before pausing in front of the large mirror and turning to catch sight of her behind.
Christina looked up at the younger woman by seven years and smiled. “You look amazing. Doyle will love it.”
Cordelia beamed. “I know.”
“How are you two getting along? The last time I called, you two were yelling at each other like banshees,” Christina said, slightly amused as she watched Cordelia go back into the dressing room. The two of them were always fighting over the silliest things, whether it be about how to use the blender or why neither of them didn't pay the electricity bill. But either way, they always ended up together. It was sweet how deep they felt for each other and it sometimes made Christina slightly jealous.
“Oh, that was silly. Doyle didn't put the toilet seat down.” Laughing softly to herself, Cordelia continued, “The things that man does.”
Christina smirked. Angel never did things like that. He was always considerate of how she would feel. He was always careful about how he acted around her. He was never truly himself and Christina knew that he thought she couldn't tell. But how could she not when he would come home and say hi to her with the falsest smile decorating his face. There was no spark in his eye. There was nothing there that she always saw in her best friend's relationship. And she was sure that something had killed it, but she didn't know what and was terrified to ask.
“Did you find anything?”
Christina looked up to her bright friend. She remembered when she first met the loud brunette in Barney's in Los Angeles. They had bumped into each other and Christina had knocked down Cordelia's bags. Cordelia immediately began badmouthing the older brunette and Christina quickly made amends by offering to buy her a drink. And then things just went from there. Nothing seemed to get in between them. Cordelia brought out the young shopping queen in Christina while Christina brought a level of sophistication to Cordelia's life. It seemed to make the perfect pair and she could remember Angel rolling his eyes when she first mentioned the relationship. He knew of Cordelia Chase through her father's reputation and said, in confidence, that she was a complete spoiled brat. But that was before her father's money had been taken away by the IRS and Cordelia was forced to grow up. Now she was a woman who knew what she wanted, but took a different road to get it. A softer one. A wiser one. Christina was proud of her friend.
“No, not yet.” A wicked grin came across her face. “I'm going to have to start thinking about the fact that I'm having a baby.”
Cordelia couldn't help but notice the glow that came over Christina's face. It was gorgeous, making her friend's face open up to the world. “And the honeymoon. You won't be showing when that comes around. So, Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood?”
Christina laughed. “I don't know about-“
“Cordelia?”
Both women looked up to see a tall man standing next to a blonde beauty. Cordelia's mouth dropped in shock.
“Xander? Is that really you?” she asked as she went forward for a hug the man. Xander Harris opened his arms for her as he laughed. He was tall and well built, not at all the lanky boy he used to be and Cordelia couldn't help the feelings that stirred within her heart. She had devoted a good two years of her high school life to this loser boy.
“Cordelia Chase,” Xander repeating her name as they hugged. “You're looking fine.”
Cordelia actually blushed as she pulled away from her old beau and Christina couldn't help but lift an eyebrow in wonder. Cordelia never blushed.
“Oh, shut up. You're not looking half bad yourself, Mr. Harris.”
Christina almost laughed out loud when his chest literally puffed out with pride and Cordelia chuckled. “Never changes,” she mumbled to herself before turning to look at the third woman in their conversation. “Hi, I'm Cordelia Chase.”
The woman smiled happily, ignoring Cordelia's outstretched hand. “You don't recognize me?”
Cordelia paused. Then her mouth dropped once again. “Anya? Anya Jenkins?”
The woman smiled happily. “Yes. Only it's Anya Harris now.”
Cordelia turned her eyes to Xander. “You got married? You got married?”
Xander grinned, wrapping an arm around Anya's shoulders as she shoved out her hand for both of them to admire.
Cordelia grabbed her hand and studied the diamond. “It's beautiful. Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” Anya replied, beaming. “I see that you have one just like mine.”
Cordelia looked down to her own finger. “Yeah. I got married last year. But I kept my last name.”
“Whose your friend?” Xander asked, butting into the wedding ring talk. His eyes were trained on the beautiful brunette who seemed older than Cordelia. But she looked like one of the happiest people in the world right now.
Cordelia looked over her shoulder. “Oh, how rude of me. I'm sorry. This is Christina Lornes. Well, soon to be Christina Roarke anyway. Christina, this is Xander and Anya Harris. I went to high school with them.”
Christina smiled. “Very nice to meet you,” she said as she shook both of their hands.
“So you're going to be marrying into the Roarke & Giles Incorporation, right?” Anya asked loudly.
Christina was the one to blush this time. “Yes. But I met him before that deal was finalized.”
“Yes, Mr. Roarke just moved into his office a month or so ago.” At Christina's odd look, she continued, “I work there. For fun. As a secretary. Xander has made lots of money already so I just work there for the fun of it.”
Cordelia actually laughed at that while Christina smiled politely. She had never heard of anyone working for the fun of it.
“So, do you still keep in touch with everyone? Willow? Buffy?”
Xander nodded. “Yeah. Everyone is doing great. Willow's a brilliant surgeon these days and Buffy is a social worker.”
Cordelia's face fell a bit. “Oh... she didn't get that job because she... you know?”
Xander's face hardened a little. “Yeah. I think that's why. It really hit her hard, especially after the mystery guy suddenly disappeared.”
Christina frowned and was about to speak before Anya interrupted. “Oh, you mean when she got the abortion?”
Xander elbowed her in the ribs while Cordelia and Christina stared at her. “Ahn, that isn't exactly something you yell for the world to know,” Xander chastised.
Anya frowned. “But they already knew apparently. I just wanted to make sure I knew what you were talking about.”
Xander smiled apologetically to the brunettes. “I'm sorry. She's not exactly known for her tact.”
“Oh, that's alright,” Cordelia said, smiling. “It's old news anyway.”
Looking down at his watch, Xander continued, “We should be going anyway. It was great seeing you again, Cordelia.”
Cordelia accepted his hug with a smile. “You, too, Harris. We should get together some time and catch up.”
“Yeah, that'd be fun. Nice meeting you, Christina.”
“You, too,” Christina said, nodding to both Xander and Anya.
Anya grinned brightly. “We should get together and go shopping.”
Cordelia nodded. “Yeah, sure. Give me a call.”
“Okay... goodbye!”
Christina and Cordelia watched the two walk off before Christina turned to her friend. “Wow. They were... nice.”
“Yeah,” Cordelia said, smiling. “Knew both of them in high school when I decided that dating someone from the loser crowd would be fun.”
Christina stared at her friend a moment before they both started walking for the checkout line. “You really liked him, didn't you?”
Cordelia nodded without looking at Christina. “Yeah. I don't know why either. Things really got hot and heavy, though, especially when Buffy had the abortion. It was our little way of coping with such a crazy thing.”
“So, what happened with her?”
“Oh, you know how it goes. Some older guy, a complete asshole, knocked her up and left her, offering to pay for the procedure and then skipping town. It completely destroyed the poor girl. And it was right before her birthday, too.”
“God, that's awful. Do you know who the guy was?”
“No. Willow does though but she wouldn't say a word. God, I haven't talked to either of them for a long while.”
“You should look them up. Old high school buddies are hard to keep.”
Cordelia looked wistful for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, I think I will.”
As Cordelia bought her items, Christina thought about how hard it would be to get an abortion. She wondered if Buffy loved the guy. What would she do if Angel wanted her to get an abortion? The thought was dark and disturbing and Christina immediately pushed it away from her thoughts. Angel would never do that. He loved her.
“So, Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood?”
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“... I first met Angel when I was sixteen and looking for a job. At this really great coffee place. I saw him buying his coffee and I couldn't help thinking... Wow, this guy is damn hot...”
“... The first time I talked to him I looked like a moron so I didn't try again until Willow urged me to do it... I was so embarrassed... but then he asked me out and things just went on from there...”
“... He was my first... not my only... he treated me so good and everything seemed perfect. I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with him but then again I guess that's what every sixteen-year-old teenager thinks when she's that age...”
“... It was right before my birthday when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't tell Angel because, hello? I was in love with the guy and I was going to have his baby. He was thirty and I was sixteen... What kind of relationship was that?...”
“... A great one at the time...”
Angel closed his eyes as he closed the folder. He didn't need to read anymore. He had been there.
Grabbing the small piece of torn paper from the coffee table where he had thrown it, he contemplated shredding it. His scrawled writing stared back at him pathetically.
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“Angel, I'm home!”
Christina breezed in through the doorway, bags upon bags in her hands. Setting them next to the door, she removed her coat and dropped her purse onto the small table where a large vase a fake flowers stood. It had been a gift from her mother before she and Angel moved into together.
“Angel?”
Looking around, Christina moved deeper into the house, her keys still clutched in her hands as she entered the living room. It was clean and quiet, nothing amiss or out of place. Looking around again, she noticed the blinking light on the machine. Moving towards it, she pressed the play button, listening to Wesley's angry voice.
Looking around her empty house, she frowned.
“Angel?”
July 1999
“Can I go over to Willow's after work?”
Joyce looked at up to where her daughter was buttering a piece of toast and smiled. “Yeah. I guess that would be okay as long as you're back in time for dinner this time.”
Buffy smiled at her mother reassuringly, thinking back to the time she was referring to and blushing slightly as she remembered why she had been late. “I promise. You know how us girls get. Boy talk, nail polish, shopping...”
“I know. I was that age once, remember?” Looking down at her watch, Joyce straightened, taking a sip of her coffee as she turned her gaze back to her daughter. “I'm gonna head out now. Are you sure you don't need a ride? I still have time.”
Buffy ginned patiently. “I'm sure. Willow's new boyfriend is coming by to get me. And yes, he's a licensed driver and I'm sure he has insurance for his van and all that hoopla.”
Kissing her daughter on the forehead, Joyce smiled as she walked through the door. “Alright. Have a good day and I'll see you later tonight. Not late for dinner.”
Grinning, Buffy waved at her mother as she walked towards her jeep and climbed in. “Not late! Have a good day! Love you!”
“Love you, too,” Joyce replied through the driver's window before looking behind her to pull out. Buffy watched her from the doorway before looking over her shoulder to check the time. She still had a good fifteen minutes before she and Willow were supposed to be at the coffee shop and probably five before Oz and Willow were scheduled to come pick her up. No words could express how wonderful it was to finally know someone who had, not only a licence, but a car to go along with that shiny card.
Jogging back into the kitchen, Buffy grabbed her bag from the counter along with her piece of toast. Moving back to the living room, Buffy dumped her belongings next to the door before turning and looking into the mirror that was next to the door. She looked good.
She wore a dark brown skirt that fell above her knees, a tan sweater with the sleeves fashionably short. Her brand new brown leather jacket - an I'm- sorry-I-flaked-on-our-weekends-together-for-the-last-four-months gift from her father - was hanging across the armrest on the couch. The look was topped off with her hair pulled back in a light ponytail and minimal makeup. She felt good... she felt older... more sophisticated. Just like Angel.
Angel. Just the thought of him sent tendrils of warmth rushing through her system. It was magical the things he could make her feel. Pure magic. Whenever she was in his arms, she couldn't explain the rush she got. It was like standing under a warm waterfall that poured only the purest water on her welcoming body.
Smiling at her reflection, Buffy couldn't wait to see what his reaction would be. She was planning on seeing him after school, surprising him. They hadn't seen each other for almost one week and Buffy missed him. First, though, she had to get Willow to cover for her for a couple of hours after school. She was sure she wouldn't mind. She was her best friend, right?
A loud, short honk sounded from the street and Buffy's head jerked to the front door before turning around to grab her leather jacket. Slipping it on easily, Buffy picked up her bag and looked at herself once more. Yes... Angel would definitely flip.
Unable to keep the grin from her lips, Buffy grabbed her food and headed out to the van that would have looked stupid had anyone else been driving it. But Oz... well, he had this air of cool that made anything he touched seem peachy.
Buffy waved at Willow as she turned around to lock the door before walking slowly so as not to fall in the tall heeled boots she wore. She saw the delighted look on Willow's face from where she sat in the front seat at her outfit. Buffy couldn't help but return her smile.
“What's the occasion?” Willow asked happily, the glow in Buffy's face unmistakable. The blonde was happy. Very happy and it only made her impeccable outfit look all the better.
The secret grin Buffy shot her friend as she opened the door to the back was no secret to Willow. “No reason,” Buffy said mysteriously.
She missed the sight of Willow's grin dimming as she got what she was saying. It disappeared entirely at Buffy's next words.
“You wouldn't mind me staying after work with you, would you?” Buffy asked, still standing outside the van, staring at Willow, her eyebrows raised as she tried to communicate what she was saying. “You know, for some girl time...?”
Willow opened her mouth to object before realizing her boyfriend was sitting next to her, fiddling with the radio and trying not to listen in on what they were saying. A worried look flitted across her face before she plastered on a smile. “Yeah. Sure. Girl time. It'll be fun.”
The grin that decorated Buffy's face made Willow's heart shrink a little as the blonde climbed into the back, finding the bench seat against the wall as she greeted Oz.
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“Can I use your phone?”
Willow looked up at her friend and nodded and Buffy giggled before darting into the redhead's room and picking up her phone excitedly. Willow watched her from the doorway as she dialed a phone number long ago memorized before she turned around and sighed.
She remembered when Buffy first saw Angel and first talked to Angel and first told her when they had first had sex. Willow's excitement for her friend had slowly dimmed over time as she began to realize what exactly she had pushed her friend into. Buffy was having sex with a man fourteen years older than her... she was in an actual relationship with the guy and he was obviously not doing anything about it except encouraging it.
But then what could Willow do? She knew Buffy wouldn't listen and she knew she would never forgive herself if she went to someone because they would surely report Angel to the police and then Buffy would never forgive her. And Willow didn't know what she would do without her best friend. They knew everything about each other and it was up to Willow to keep her friend's secret.
Going downstairs, Willow opened the fridge as she frowned. But she knew that what Buffy was doing was wrong. She wanted to protect the blonde and make sure she didn't do something stupid. But isn't that what she was doing? Something stupid?
And Willow had pushed her into it. Had encouraged her to go talk to the older man. God, Willow felt like slapping herself.
Willow looked up as Buffy came bounding into the room...
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“Hello?”
Buffy smiled at the deep voice that greeted her. “Hi,” she said shyly. “It's Buffy.”
Angel smirked into the phone. He knew who it was. The little blonde had taken up a habit of constantly being over at her friend Willow's house whenever she called him so he had recognized the 'Rosenberg' number on his cell phone's caller id immediately.
“Hey. How are you?” Angel asked politely, looking up at the tall brunette sitting across from him, winking at her. The woman smiled before biting her lower lip and batting her eyelashes at him.
“Oh, I'm good. Everything's good. You?” Buffy asked, playing with the cord of the phone as she talked, staring at Willow's alarm clock as she spoke. She could feel her heartbeat going a hundred miles per hour as he spoke.
“Good. You know... the usual,” Angel said in a smooth voice as he felt the brunette's foot against his calf. Alison rubbed her foot against his calf.
“Good. That's good... I guess. If the usual is good, that is.” Closing her eyes as she babbled, Buffy stopped and bit her tongue quickly before talking. Why was she always tongue-tied whenever she talked to him, but when she got into his bed, everything was fine? “Are you busy right now?”
“No... not really,” Angel replied, staring at the woman before him as her foot ventured higher. His voice remained calm, though. “Why?”
“Well, I was wondering if I could... you know, come over?” Buffy asked. “That is if you're not busy, because-“
“I'm not,” Angel said gently and listened to her sigh on the other end. “When?”
“Well, I could come over right now...”
“How about a half hour? Give me time to get ready,” Angel said and almost smiled as she girl gave him an unreadable look before her foot fell away. “Does that sound good?”
Buffy nodded. “Sounds great. Your place?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay... see you there.”
“Bye.”
Clicking off his phone, Angel snapped it shut and slipped it into his pocket before turning back to the leggy brunette. He smiled softly. “I have to go.”
“Oh. Where?” the woman asked, her words clipped as she took a sip from her glass of wine.
“Business. Work.” Standing, Angel grabbed his wallet and threw a hundred on the table before smiling at the woman. “I'll call you.”
Angel didn't feel her eyes as he closed his wallet and stuffed it back into his pocket. As he turned, grabbing his leather jacket from where it hung across the back of his vacant chair and slipping it on, she raised her eyebrows.
“Do you want my phone number?”
Angel looked back at her absently and smiled instantly, putting the charm on. “Sure.”
Waiting patiently, he watched as she reached for her small purse and grabbed a pen from it, writing down two phone numbers on the back of a little white card before handing it to him. She smiled. “Call me... anytime.”
Angel gave her a little wave before leaving the restaurant. As a teenaged boy ran off to get his car, Angel didn't bother looking down at the card as he threw it into the nearby trash can, landing neatly on the front page of a discarded magazine.
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“I'm going to meet him in a half hour,” Buffy said excitedly as she grinned at Willow. “Do I look okay? I don't look tired or anything do I?”
Willow shook her head, a pathetic excuse of a smile crossing her face. “You look great.”
“Do you think he'll like what I'm wearing?” Buffy asked, turning to look into the small mirror that hung above the stove.
“He'll like it,” Willow responded as she turned back towards the fridge. “He'll really like it.”
“Good. That's the idea, isn't it?”
Nodding her head, Willow watched as Buffy bounced from the room and headed for the full length mirror hanging on her bedroom wall.
“Maybe too much,” Willow muttered to herself.
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Buffy stopped a few feet from Angel's door and ran her hands down her shirt and skirt. Sighing, Buffy rubbed her hands against her hair and did a quick breath check. Taking a deep breath, Buffy took the last few steps to her destination and raised her hand to knock.
A few seconds later, she watched as the door opened only to reveal a fully dressed Angel, a welcoming grin on his face as he opened the door wider.
“Hey, baby,” he purred and Buffy couldn't help but return his smile.
“Hey. Were you... going somewhere?” Buffy asked as she watched him close the door. Turning to face him, Buffy couldn't help but mentally drool at the sight of his tight slacks and neatly buttoned black silk shirt. He was the absolute epitome of hotness.
Angel shook his head. “No.” Stepping forward, Angel placed his hands on her hips, slipping them underneath her jacket as her pulled her against him, his head bending down to take her lips. Buffy met him half way, still having to push up on her toes to reach him quicker.
Moaning, Buffy opened her mouth immediately, welcoming his tongue with her own as his arms slipped all the way around her waist under her leather, pulling her closer. Standing as tall as she could, Buffy sighed into the kiss as Angel picked her up, pulling her closer to his lips.
The next she felt was her butt being pushed into the back of his large couch as his hands began to roam over her body, his fingertips light as they pushed underneath her sweater to touch her heated skin. Breaking the kiss, Buffy sighed softly, intermixing with a moan as Angel continued his course down her neck, kissing along her jaw line before reaching her pulse point. Biting down lightly, he felt Buffy arch her neck into his mouth as she leaned into his touch.
With her soft skin warm beneath his fingers, Angel spanned his hand against her lower back , pulling her closer still as Buffy wrapped her arms around his shoulders, burying her face into the crook where his shoulder and neck met. He felt her hot breath against his ear as she placed wet kisses across his skin.
Using his other hand, Angel gripped her knee, lifting it high as he held it against his hip. Taking his cue, Buffy lifted her other leg and wrapped it around his lightly. Angel could feel her smile when he pressed his erection into her warm center. The heady sensation of having his hard member pressing against his soft slacks and rubbing against her caused Buffy to whimper in anticipation.
“Angel, please...” she whispered huskily. “Can we...”
“Shhh... patience, sweetheart,” Angel whispered back, his hand snaking up her back to reach the clasp of her bra. Pushing against him insistently, Buffy whimpered for him again only to be silenced as he released her bra. With his eyes closed, Angel pushed the material away as he moved to cup her breast. Squeezing it gently, Buffy lolled her head back, her mouth opening in a soft cry. Running his thumb over her erect nipple, Angel rejoiced in the sound of her breathy cries as she continued to thrust her hips forward ever so slightly, but hitting the right spots.
“Angel... I need... I need you to...”
“Shhh,” Angel said once more, pulling back and wrapping his arms around her. Lifting her gently, Angel felt her wrap her legs around his waist and her mouth find the sensitive shell of his ear as he carried her to his bedroom.
Kicking open the door, Angel moved to deposit her on his unmade bed, ignoring the fact that he had just had a different woman there not a mere day before. Right now, that didn't matter, because Buffy was here. And she was proving to be a much better lay than any he had before. All it took was a little tuning...
“Scoot up, baby,” Angel whispered to Buffy and she whined softly, her eyes closed as she pushed against her hands and moved up the bed. Leaning over her, Angel smirked as he placed a soft kiss to her lips before moving to the edge of the bed where he unzipped his pants quickly, pushing them down and out of the way along with his boxers. Pulling his hard cock free, Angel used his other hand to find the condom he had placed in his pocket before Buffy's arrival. Tearing the package open, Angel expertly rolled it on as he stroked his hardness gently.
Her legs were spread slightly, her dark skirt riding up, and he could see the dampness in her white panties. Her chest was moving with her deep breaths and Angel smiled as she ran her hands up her body. Leaning over and resting on his elbow, Angel pressed a light kiss to her inner calf and watched her stiffen and ball some of the sheets in her fists as she spread her legs further.
Buffy felt him kissing a trail up her inner leg and couldn't it help when she jerked as he touched the top of her inner thigh, the closest to where she needed him the most at that moment. The anticipation of him touching her there was immense and she felt her body tighten a little more as he inched closer.
Inhaling deeply, Angel nuzzled against her underwear and Buffy whimpered loudly, her hand flying to his head. Pushing her hand away gently, Angel pulled back a bit. Buffy felt his fingers slipping under the waistband of her panties and pulling them down gently. Automatically lifting her hips, Buffy helped him as he pulled them down and laid them down on the bed next to him.
Smiling at the view, Angel placed his hands on her inner thighs, spreading her wide. She was glistening in the little sun that was filtering through his partially closed blinds. Climbing up between her legs, Angel watched as Buffy immediately opened her arms to accept him.
Pulling his head down for a kiss, Buffy pushed her tongue into his mouth, bringing her legs up to hold him gently in the natural cradle her hips created. Breaking the kiss, Buffy gasped as the head of his heavy cock pushed against her wet lips, probing her gently.
“Oh, god...” Buffy groaned. “Yes... please.”
Angle didn't wait another minute, thrusting into her and Buffy arched her back, her mouth open in a silent cry as Angel pulled back and thrust back home. Locking her ankles behind him, Buffy lifted her hips to meet him as he began a deep rhythm that had Buffy chanting for him to not stop. With his eyes shut tightly, Angel concentrated on the feeling of her hot tightness clenching around him in such a delicious way for several minutes as her strong walls stroked him so wonderfully.
“Buffy,” Angel groaned, followed by a deep moan as Buffy pushed her hips harder. Rushing together, Buffy and Angel pushed each other to the edge as Buffy screamed her release followed by Angel's deep cry of pleasure followed by her name as he collapsed onto her.
Breathing deeply, Buffy closed her eyes, cradling Angel's head and wiping away the sweat on her brow as she felt her body surrendering to the ever-present desire to sleep. The sensation of Angel beginning to move away from her caused Buffy to open her eyes and sit up with him.
With a kiss on her forehead, Angel removed the condom and stood to go to the bathroom to discard it.
Pushing her shirt down, Buffy pushed her hands underneath the sweater to fix her bra. Clasping it back together, Buffy breathed in deeply and closed her eyes for a moment before standing on shaky legs. Pushing her skirt back down to its original length, Buffy pulled her hair free as Angel exited from the bathroom and came back into his bedroom.
Smiling at him, Buffy quickly re-tied her hair before straightening her jacket and sweater. Wrapping his arms around her waist, Angel kissed her deeply.
“Talk to you later?” Buffy asked after pulling away, looking up at him.
“Yeah. Give me a call, okay?”
Buffy nodded and pressed her lips to his once more before moving out of the bedroom and out of the apartment, her bag in tow.
Angel stood next to his bed for several moments, staring after the little blonde whom had just left. Sighing softly, Angel moved to straighten the bed a bit before noticing her panties. Smiling at the thought that she had left without them, Angel grabbed them and stuffed them into his pocket before shaking the comforter and throwing it over the bed.
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Opening the door gently, Buffy poked her head in, looking around. She had no idea what time it was and was relieved when her mother appeared from the dining room, a delighted smile on her face.
“Just in time,” she announced and Buffy smiled in return.
“Great! See, I told you I was responsible.”
Rolling her eyes with a smile on her face, Joyce stepped forward and gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. Then she frowned.
“Buffy? Are you okay? You looked flushed...” Pressing her hand against Buffy's forehead, she furrowed her brows in concern. Buffy felt her heart stop as she waited for the next words. Did she know? “You aren't getting sick, are you?”
Breathing in deeply and slowly, Buffy allowed herself to grin, covering her relief with a roll of her own eyes. “I'm not sick, mom. I'm fine. I just walked over here fast. That's all.”
“Are you sure?” Joyce asked, not convinced. “You seem a little warm...”
“Nope. Just fine. Tip top shape. Everything's dandy in Buffy land.” Realizing that she was standing before her mother without her panties on, Buffy attempted to fight the blush that wanted to take over her face. “I'm going to go change. I'll be right back.”
Buffy could feel Joyce's stare on her back all the way up the stairs.
*The poem used in this part is poem 744 written by Emily Dickinson.*
Abused. Runaways. Homeless.
The list went on and on of the children in the folders on her desk. The children she was supposed to be protecting and taking care of and helping them find a place in the world. But right now, she didn't really even know her place.
Sighing, Buffy itched her arm absently. The Robinson case, the biggest she had dealt with in a long time, was done and taken care of. And now the little things needed her attention and she was completely unwilling to go into it. The thought that she was being lazy with her work made her feel guilty as kids around the town, and some from L.A. depended on her for help. Or so it seemed.
But what good could she do them when she couldn't even take care of her own baby? When she had lost it?
Closing her eyes, Buffy shook her head. She was sick of thinking this way. She was sick of thinking about Angel. She just wanted to let go. So why couldn't she?
“Buffy?”
Looking up, Buffy plastered a smile on her face. A young woman by the name of Julie smiled back from where she stood at Buffy's office door.
“Could I have a minute?”
“Sure,” Buffy replied instantly. Lifting her hand, she waved at one of the two chairs sitting before her small desk. “What do you need?”
“Well,” the woman replied as she walked in, taking a seat on the edge of the chair, crossing her legs. “I need help with one of my cases. And it seems like you would be the best person to talk to about this because of the Robinson case, so...”
“Yeah, sure, of course I'll try to help. What is it?”
“Well, it's a case from L.A. and...”
Leaning back in her chair, Buffy proceeded to listen to the story about the eleven-year-old girl who had been found on the street by police. According to Julie, she had been wearing a micro-mini skirt and a tube top. She had been carrying over three hundred dollars. Both of them could only imagine where she had actually gotten the money. Buffy could hear the pity in Julie's voice. She could also hear the confusion and the disgust and worry and sadness. Buffy understood where she was coming from. What the hell was such a young girl doing out on the street, selling her body?
Buffy couldn't imagine what kind of life the girl had to have had to make her run away and end up prostituting her body for a living. It saddened and sickened her that there were parents out there that would treat their children like that. Like they meant nothing and had, in all true reality, been a mistake. Buffy would never treat her child like that. Ever.
Or she never would have, had she kept Angel's baby.
As Julie stood to leave, content with Buffy's advice for the moment, Buffy leaned forward, looking down at her desk once more, a new desire to help the children in need of aid burning in her. It was familiar, matching the one she had felt when she first thought about going into social work. It felt good. And all it took was a pity story from L.A. Buffy felt a little guilty that it took another's pain to make her open her eyes.
Opening the top folder, Buffy was interrupted as the phone on her desk rang.
“Hello?”
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His finger hovered over the final number on his telephone. All he had to do was push down and then the other end would ring, possibly opening up his past, or shutting it down forever. He didn't even know which one he wanted to happen.
Breathing in quickly, Angel blew the air out before hanging up the phone. Closing his eyes, he leaned back into his overstuffed office chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The little piece of paper in his hands shook slightly as he thought about what the hell he was doing.
He was thinking himself into a hole. A very big, deep, obsessive hole. He was a trained psychiatrist, for fuck's sake, and all he could do was sit here like his former patients had done. Just sit here.
And think. And question. And wonder.
He had always wondered why the hell they couldn't snap out of it and help themselves but now he understood all too well. It wasn't that easy. He should have known that but the larger part of him had questioned their ability to live in the real world if they couldn't even live in their own.
Now he had the very same problem most of his patients had had. And he pitied them. And himself.
Sitting up, Angel stared at the large piles of folders and papers on his desk. Rubbing his chin tiredly, Angel regretted trying to sleep at all the night before. It had been completely pointless and the tossing and turning had only seemed to make the exhaustion all the more real.
Sighing, Angel opened one of his drawers absently and without looking, dumped the little piece of paper into it and shut it with a resounding thud that seemed to echo in his mind.
Angel didn't get the chance to even open the first folder on the top pile before a loud knock echoed on his door.
Angel hesitated a moment before answering. “Yes?”
The door opened and the dread and anticipation filled Angel like a waterfall pouring into a small bowl. He already knew who it was.
“May I have a moment, Mr. Roarke?”
Another moment of hesitation before, “Yes. Please come in, Wesley.”
It came out smooth and calm and as Wesley turned to close the door behind him, Angel tamped down on the panic that grabbed him. Now wasn't the time and he was certain that Wesley couldn't do anything to him or the business. Could he? What if he had already done something?
Angel waited as Wesley turned around slowly, an unreadable look on the other man's face.
“Is there something I can do for you?” Angel asked, his voice devoid of any emotion.
“Yes, there is. How could you come into my office and take Ms. Summers' folder? You had no right and it was certainly none of your business.” The anger in his voice echoed off the walls and Angel only met his eyes calmly.
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Damn you!” Wesley said loudly. “How can you just sit there? After everything you put that poor girl through?”
“My past is none of your business, Mr. Pryce,” Angel replied quickly, his voice low.
“But hers is,” Wesley said just as quickly. “And I know enough of it to pass judgement on you.”
Angel didn't respond.
“You might as well have tortured Buffy Summers for the way she has turned out after you got done with her. She is quite obviously a shell of the vibrant, young girl she once was. I can see it in her eyes.”
Angel looked away.
“You've read her file. You know what she has said. And I guess you know that she is still in love with you. I highly doubt she'll ever stop loving you.” Angel's sharp glare didn't give Wesley cause for pause. “A sixteen-year-old, Angel. How could you have been so damned stupid?”
Once again, Angel didn't move to make any reply of any sorts. Wesley walked forward slowly, his eyes narrowed. “I could have you arrested for what you did.”
“But you won't,” Angel said, his voice soft as he looked down to his hands.
“Oh? And why? I could pick up the phone right no-“
“Because she doesn't want that. And you most certainly don't want your friend to have to go through that, now do you?” Angel asked, his tone unreadable as Wesley raised an eyebrow.
“I'd think it would help her. Put an end to the hell she has been living.”
A moment of silence passed. Angel took a deep breath before saying, “Why didn't you tell me she was your patient?”
Wesley strode through the subject change easily as he responded, “Because you didn't notice. And she didn't need that. I didn't know what you were capable of. And I still don't.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what you think. Her file contained her personal information as well as her past accounts. How am I supposed to know that you won't use that to your own benefit?”
“I'm engaged, for Christ's sake,” Angel said loudly. “And expecting a baby! Buffy is a part of my past, Wesley. I would just as happily leave it that way.”
“Would you? You were fourteen years older than her when you first started your sexual relationship with the girl. If that didn't stop you, than what's to say this won't?”
“I've changed,” Angel said, his voice quiet after a moment's pause. “I'm not that man anymore.”
“Because of what you did to Buffy?” Wesley asked, his voice soft and accusing. “After you ruined her life?”
“I didn't ruin her life,” Angel objected. “We both know that that baby could have never been. Ever. What kind of life could I give Buffy when I was in jail? I did it to protect both of our futures.”
“Or maybe just yours.”
“Fuck you,” Angel hissed. “Don't pull your psycho bullshit on me, Mr. Pryce. Or have you forgotten that I'm your superior?”
“When you took Ms. Summers' folder, you knew that you were in direct violation of-“
“Bullshit. You had no right to keep her away from me,” Angel accused.
“Didn't I? You both were quite content with the thought that you were at least three thousand miles away from each other.”
Taking a deep breath, Angel closed his eyes. “I returned the folder. I didn't take anything. I barely touched the damn thing.” Looking up, he met Wesley's eyes. “I won't go anywhere near her.”
“How do I know you didn't just copy down her address or phone number? Or both?”
“By taking my word.”
“Just as Buffy did when she was sixteen?”
Pursing his lips, Angel looked down to his desk. “I don't want to talk about this anymore. I returned the folder. Nothing happened. Nothing will happen.
“You can leave my office now.”
Wesley paused before turning back to the door. He heard Angel dropping into his chair heavily. Reaching for the doorknob, Wesley opened it before looking back over his shoulder. “What shall I do about Ms. Summers, Mr. Roarke?”
Angel looked up tiredly. “Do what you'd like, just don't let us cross paths. She's your friend and you're her doctor...” Angel paused. “Just don't let her see me.”
Wesley gave a curt nod before exiting the office, a little unsettled with the quick and quiet truce they seemed to have formed.
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Angel sat for a long minute, not moving as he stared at the phone on his desk. Could he keep his word? He was fairly sure that Wesley knew he had been lying about keeping some of Buffy's personal information. How could he not take her phone number? But... why would he take it?
Hating the circles he had been thinking himself in for the last couple of days since seeing Buffy, he picked up the phone.
Opening his drawer, he grabbed the scrap piece of paper and dialed the phone number without looking at the number he had scribbled onto the paper.
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“Hello?”
“Buffy?”
“Yes.”
“Hi. It's Riley.”
“Oh.” Buffy was surprised. Riley? She had actually almost completely forgotten about him. Angel's reappearance in her life had certainly taken precedence over a man she barely knew and the fact that it had been a little over a week since she had seen Riley. But here he was, calling her. Buffy was surprised. “Hi. How are you?”
“I'm good. How are you?”
“Same. Good. Dandy.”
“That's good. How is everything?”
“Oh, it's all fine.” Right. “Nothing new going on except for work, work, work.” Which could be true... “You?”
“Pretty much the same...”
Buffy nodded, knowing he couldn't see her but still doing it. “Oh.”
A silent moment passed before Riley spoke once more.
“Listen, do you want to go have dinner with me again? Or a picnic? I know this really great park near the college.”
Buffy paused, the unconscious urge to say no almost taking her. But then she stopped. Why should she say no? What was stopping her? Angel? Why should she let him stop her? It was obvious he had moved on. How could he not when he had wanted her to get rid of their baby before disappearing? Buffy smiled.
“I would love to. A picnic sounds great.”
She thought she could hear Riley smiling on the other end. “Great! When do-“
A loud beeping sounded in Buffy's ear and she sat up straighter as she looked at her phone. She heard Riley asking, “Is that you?”
Buffy nodded once more, not thinking as she said, “Yeah. Could you hang on a minute?”
“Sure. I'll be right here when you get back.”
Buffy smiled, not responding as she went to the other line that was waiting for her.
“Hello?”
Silence answered her.
“Hello?”
She thought she heard someone breathing and Buffy furrowed her brow.
“Hello? Is someone there?”
As another moment of silence greeted her, Buffy shrugged before switching over to where Riley waited.
“Riley? Are you still there?”
“Yeah. Someone important?”
“No. I think it was a wrong number. So, picnic...”
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Angel hung up the phone slowly, placing it lightly back in its cradle.
Staring at the black piece of plastic, Angel sighed. Her voice had been so... clear. So bright and... Buffy.
Sighing, Angel closed his eyes as he leaned back into his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt his mind immersing itself in the past.
But he wasn't quite sure whether or not he wanted to be there.
Buffy sighed happily.
Pressing her lips against his once more, she relished the feeling of his warmth. It was like chocolate... nothing rare or special, but sweet nonetheless.
“I take it you like it?”
Buffy grinned widely as she pulled away from her boyfriend - her boyfriend. She couldn't remember ever having a boyfriend for more than a month. A real boyfriend. Looking down at the simple chain on her bracelet, she fingered it lightly.
“I love it. It's beautiful. You really didn't have to do this. It's only been a month.”
“A wonderful month,” Riley said softly, his light eyes never leaving her face. “I'm so happy right now.”
Buffy's lips curled up in a tiny smile as she reached forward and intertwined her fingers with his. “Me, too. I mean, really happy. I haven't felt this way for a long time.”
Riley grinned.
Buffy couldn't believe how happy she really was. The last nine years had been a constant struggle against her feelings for someone she didn't know anymore, much less really knew in the first place. He had lied to her, in her opinion. Made her feel like she was wanted when really it was all a big game to him. She was beginning to see that, especially with the more time she spent with Riley. And as the revelations became clearer, she began to feel a little used.
But that had been almost a decade ago. She hadn't set foot in Wesley's office since that day when she first saw Angel and didn't plan to ever again. The only time she really talked to Wesley was when he called to apologize, to a friend from a friend, as he had put it.
And yet again, another thing of the past. She would continue seeing Wesley, but only outside the office. They were friends of course and, as much as Buffy didn't want to, she understood why he kept Angel away from her. If she had had a friend that was feeling the way she had been, she knew she would have definitely done everything in her power to protect that friend.
It made her happy that she had people like that in her life.
Leaning her head back, Buffy breathed in deeply as Riley released her fingers and began to rummage through the small basket she had brought for their picnic. Their tenth picnic within that month. The breath felt cleansing and Buffy released it with a contented sound. She was happy.
Happy.
She liked the sound of that.
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“Okay. One year anniversary is coming up. I need to make plans.”
Christina lifted an eyebrow. “I assumed you two were going to just have a little private thing. Are you talking about a party?”
“Well, yeah! Of course. This is a huge deal, and Doyle and I can have a little private celebration later. Right now, it's party time!”
Christina chuckled into the phone. “Okay. What exactly do you have in mind?”
“Well, I was planning a little get together at the Hela. You know that new club?”
“I've heard of it,” Christina admitted. “But I haven't really had a chance to get out of the house... or the office, for that matter.”
“Well, now is your chance,” Cordelia exclaimed. “It's really beautiful. You and Angel would love it.”
“When is this party going to be?”
“I was thinking the fifteenth of this month. A week away, plenty of time to plan and get the invitations out. Plus, it's the day before our actual anniversary, so it'll all work out.”
“And what does Doyle think of all this?” Christina asked, amused. Standing up, Christina cradled the phone against her shoulder as she moved into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water.
“He doesn't mind. I told him about it last night.”
“Well, sounds good.”
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“Oh... Cordelia?”
“Willow! Hi! How are you?”
“Uh...” Willow shook her head in shocked silence. “Good?”
“That's great! It's been so long since we've talked. Since forever, right?”
Willow had to smile at that. Cordelia never really changed. It was nice to hear from her, although a little odd at the same time. “Yeah... How have you been?”
“I've been great! Got married last year.”
“Married? Really?”
“Yeah. Well, that's the reason I called. I'm having a party for our one year anniversary and I was wondering if you'd like to come.”
“Really? You want me to come?”
“Of course I do! I did date your best friend for almost a year. And I saw Xander at the mall a while ago and he was talking about how well you guys were doing and I miss talking to you. And Buffy!”
Xander? Mall? The answer was instantly clear. Anya. But what was interesting was the fact that Xander hadn't mentioned it. She found herself nodding in response to Cordelia's earlier question.
“I'd love to come. When is it?”
“The fifteenth. At the Hela. That new club?”
“Yeah I've heard of it. Neat place.”
“Do you think Buffy would like to come?”
Willow didn't need a second to answer that question. “She'd love to come, too. I'm sure of it.”
Ever since Buffy had acquired her new boyfriend, she had changed. She was more open, it seemed. Not as sad and withdrawn. It was nice to see some of the old Buffy back again. While it was just a little of the bright girl Buffy used to be, it was definitely a start and Willow was sure Buffy wouldn't mind showing him off a bit.
“What time?”
“We're meeting at seven. It's just going to be a little drink and eat thing. Nothing huge.”
“Sounds good.”
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“I am very sure you will never believe who called me today.”
Buffy shrugged automatically. “Who?”
Willow sighed in exasperation. “Guess!”
“Johnny Depp. And he wants you to sign on as his co-star in the next huge movie?”
“Close, but no,” Willow said with a laugh. Pausing, she watched as Buffy stared at her expectantly before Willow rolled her eyes. “Cordelia!”
“Cordelia? Cordelia Chase called you?”
“I know. You should have seen my shock.”
“Why?”
“Well, apparently she talked to Xander at the mall a while back and he said how great we were doing and she went on to say that she missed us, and the basic idea was that she was having a one year anniversary party and she invited us.”
“Again... why?”
Willow shrugged.
“So, the idea is that we'll just be a few more bodies there to make her look all the more popular?”
Willow rolled her eyes again. “Buffy, this isn't high school. I'm sure she's changed, just like us. And plus... I thought it wouldn't be that bad considering you have a hot new boyfriend.”
Buffy blushed as Willow wriggled her eyebrows. She giggled lightly. “Well, there is that.”
“Come on. We should go. Xander said he would be there. With Anya.”
Buffy took a deep breath. “Okay. When is it?”
“The fifteenth. At seven. At that new club... Hell or something like that.”
“Hela?”
“That's the one.”
“Well... I guess it could be misinterpreted as Hell.”
Willow pushed her shoulder. “It won't be that bad. I promise. Plus... Riley!”
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“Honey? Are you almost ready to go?”
“Yeah. Just a sec!”
“You know,” Christina mused loudly enough for Angel to hear from upstairs. “It should be me who's taking so long to get ready.”
Christina beamed at his soft chuckle.
Grabbing his cologne, Angel stood in front of the mirror as he put some one. A simple party. He could do that. Then come back, get some work done, and go to bed. Nothing too troubling. And he was fairly certain that Christina wouldn't mind if he left a little early. He wasn't exactly in the mood to go to a new club and drink himself into oblivion. Although the drinking part did sound appealing.
Angel switched off the light to the bathroom after he checked his reflection one last time. Dress simple for a simple party. Descending the stairs quickly, he was met with his smiling fiancee and he returned it.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Yep,” she said, grabbing his hand as they left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first thing Buffy heard as she entered the club was loud music that wasn't very loud. It was conversation music. The louder music was coming from the upstairs portion. Although it could be barely heard, Buffy knew that there would already be a crowd gyrating to the music. It was a new club after all.
“Nice place,” Buffy commented to Willow, who was trailing in behind her. Both of their coats had gone away with one of the big bouncers that had been standing at the door while the other checked the “list” to make sure they were approved to go in. Buffy thought it was ridiculous that they had such a system. Plus the fact that she had been half-expecting the list to be clean of their names and they would have to walk away in shame.
It sounded like something Cordelia Chase from high school would have done. Before she even considered looking at Xander - which happened rather quickly in itself - Buffy and Cordelia had been enemies. Ever since Buffy had rebuffed the brunette upon her first arrival at Sunnydale High, they never got along. At first, it had hurt before Buffy realized that it was stupid the way Cordelia acted. It was a little immature to prance around the school as if she owned everyone with her little Cordettes.
And then there was Xander. It happened gradually, but Cordelia began to soften a little. She still had a complete lack of tact and wasn't afraid to put everyone around her down, but she began to care and take a little interest in their lives. It had been... nice, in a muted sort of way.
Of course, that had been around the time that Buffy had been seeing Angel, so pretty much nothing could put her down in those days. Sighing, Buffy couldn't help but think about how time changed things... changed the scenery and people.
“Yeah. Very... classic and dark,” Willow replied, her hand clasped around Buffy's wrist as she followed the blonde into the large restaurant beneath the real club. It was surprisingly crowded. The crowd around the two women were constantly threatening to steal Willow away from Buffy.
Willow was actually impressed with the place. She could only imagine the actual dance floor upstairs. Music floated from the ceiling speakers, softer than what could be heard a little from upstairs. The colors were dark and the lighting was set for a more intimate mood. But judging by the crowdedness, there wasn't going to be much intimacy happening.
“Should we wait at the bar for Riley?” Buffy asked over her shoulder, spotting the long bar where small groups of people congregated as they waited for places to sit or just stood there, looking around... maybe for a little company on the chilly night. Buffy was surprised at the size of the place. “Do you see him?”
“No. But the parking looked a little crazy out there so it might be a while.” Sidling up next to the bar, Willow leaned forward to order her drink. Buffy did the same and both watched as the young man whipped up their drinks in less than a few seconds.
“Wow. Thanks.”
“That'll be $15.75, please.”
Willow's mouth dropped. “Fifteen dollars? What kind of place is this?”
The young man didn't answer, merely looking at them expectantly. Buffy pulled the money from her purse reluctantly. Handing it over, she received a quarter back for her trouble.
“That's extortion right there,” Willow remarked as she leaned against the bar, sipping at her drink as she glared at the man's back. He walked away casually, already with another customer.
“No kidding,” Buffy agreed. Sighing, Buffy took a drink, relishing the taste of the alcohol as it slid down her throat. She had never been a real big drinker. The two times she had gotten drunk were very unpleasant for her to remember. One had been a frat party and one had been a work party. Both involved guys. Both involved massive headaches.
After ten minutes of standing, both drinking slowly, they continued to search the crowd for Riley. And there was still no sight of him.
“How long does it take to park a car?” Buffy asked, standing up on her toes, trying to look over the top of the people surrounding them. “Seriously. He shouldn't have been gone this long.”
“Hey!”
Buffy and Willow looked over to the loud voice and were greeted with the sight of Cordelia Chase. She was dressed immaculately in a low cut black dress that looked classy on her curvy figure. Her hair was still long, half pulled back in an artfully messy clasp, and the rest framed her face lightly. She grinned. Buffy smiled back.
“Hey, Cordelia.”
“God,” Cordelia said, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Buffy warmly. Buffy hesitated for a split second before responding. “I haven't seen you in so long.”
“Yeah. Too long.”
Pulling away from Buffy, Cordelia stepped in to hug Willow. “So, how have you guys been? You both look great. Tell me everything that has been going on in your lives!”
“We've been good. Busy with work, as usual. But life has treated us right, right Willow?”
Willow nodded, finding the _expression Buffy used odd. Life has treated her right? Like Hell freezing over it has. “Yes. Life is good.”
“You know what, why don't you guys come on back to the table? It's all the way in the back and Xander and Anya are already here. You have to meet my husband, Doyle. He's great. And Christina. And Sandra.”
“You know what? I'm going to wait here. I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He's parking the car.”
“A boyfriend? Really?” Cordelia lifted her eyebrows and smiled. “That's great. What's his name.”
“Riley. Finn. Riley Finn. We've been going out for a month now.”
“That's great. I can't wait to meet him.” Cordelia paused as she seemed to realize something. Then her mouth turned into a little 'o'. “Oh, crap. He came with you. And he wasn't with you at the door.”
Buffy seemed to realize it at the same time. “The list. He's not on the list?”
“Well, I didn't know you had a boyfriend. Willow didn't tell me.”
“I didn't know there was a list,” Willow protested.
Rolling her eyes, Cordelia raised her hands. “It's okay. I'll go get him.” Grabbing Buffy's arm, she began to pull her with her. “Come on. Don't want to bring the wrong guy in. There's a reason there's a list, you know. Only the right people can come in.”
Buffy didn't really know how to respond to that so she followed obediently as Cordelia wove through the crowd easily. Buffy found her shoulder being hit a bit more than Cordelia's was and she rolled her eyes before furrowing her brow in annoyance as she allowed herself to be tugged along.
Buffy saw her boyfriend instantly as they reached the entrance. He was standing at the door, his arms crossed as he argued with one of the large bouncers. Buffy felt her lips tug into a small smile. Her boyfriend. He was dressed in a tight, olive green sweater she knew only he could pull off. He was wearing dark jeans with them. He had opted to go a bit more casual compared to Buffy, but he was gorgeous nonetheless.
“Excuse me,” Cordelia interrupted, her voice casual and commanding. The bouncer looked up, ready to tell the person to screw off. Then his features softened.
“Oh. Mrs... Chase, right?”
Lifting her eyebrow, Cordelia fought the urge to tell him exactly who the hell he was talking to. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile to her face.
“Yes. That's me. And he's with me. My party. He's with my party.”
The guard seemed to hesitate before nodding. Cordelia gave him an icy smile before turning around. Buffy reached forward and grabbed Riley's hand, pulling him in through the door. She could hear some of the people shouting from outside.
“Hey,” Buffy said, warmth flooding her tone.
Riley smiled down at her before bending over and pressing a kiss to her lips gently. “Hey. Sorry it took so long. I couldn't find any parking and then they wouldn't let me in.”
“So I could see,” Buffy said playfully before turning around. “It's okay. You weren't on the list. I didn't even know there was a list. Thankfully Cordelia was there with us.”
Riley allowed himself to pulled along. He was intrigued by the beautiful restaurant around him, but he was more interested in the dark black dress Buffy was wearing. It was similar to the one she had worn for their first date. It had a very low cut back that showed her smooth skin to anyone looking. The front of the dress was pulled up around her neck in delicate folds being held up with thin straps. She was breathtaking.
Buffy followed Cordelia where she could see her pushing through the crowd once more. She spotted Willow standing at the bar still, an image of brilliance in white. It was a nice contrast to all the darkness surrounding the interior of the restaurant. Willow brightened at the sight of her friend approaching with her boyfriend and waved at Riley. He waved back, amused.
“Hi, Riley!” Willow exclaimed.
“Hey, Willow.” Riley smiled at her. He watched as a voluptuous brunette suddenly rejoined the trio.
“Hi, I'm Cordelia Chase.”
Riley shook her hand as it was extended towards him. He could see Buffy beaming from the corner of his eye. “I'm Riley Finn.”
“So I've heard. Well, come on back, you guys. Everyone is waiting with abated breath to meet you... well, except Xander.”
Riley looked down towards Buffy at Cordelia's sarcasm and she just smiled.
He returned it.
He was very happy she had asked him along. He was incredibly happy that she had agreed to go on the picnic at the beginning of their month together. He had been very sure that after their rather stilted first date that she wouldn't want to see him again. She had seemed so distracted then, so tired and withdrawn. Yet he had been attracted to her like a moth to a flame. And he was even more pleased to see her opening up to him. He knew there were things that she hadn't told him yet. He could see it in her eyes. She always seemed sad but he knew she would eventually. He just needed to give her time.
“There's a lot of people I want you guys to meet. Doyle, Christina - and her incredibly hot fiancee - Harmony, Aphrodisia, Sandra...”
Buffy just nodded her head, following the tall brunette. She could see a group of people standing and sitting around a table, drink scattered everywhere as laughter reached her ears. She saw people she had never met and people she remembered very vaguely. She was fairly certain a lot of the Cordettes where there that night. She also saw Xander, his arm wrapped around Anya's shoulders as he talked to another couple.
“Hey,” Cordelia said loudly as she approached the table. “Everyone is here, finally.”
Buffy smiled brightly as everyone turned to see who the new people were and she met Xander's eyes for a moment before moving over everyone else.
But she didn't get a chance as a man with dark hair and incredibly striking blue eyes was thrust in front of her. Buffy looked surprised as Cordelia appeared next to him, beaming like a mad woman. In love.
“This is Allan Francis Doyle, my husband. For a year.” Buffy smiled politely. “Doyle, this is Buffy, Willow and Riley. I knew Buffy and Willow in high school.”
Extending his hand, Buffy returned the shake gladly as Doyle continued the process with Willow and Riley. He was intriguing. “It's very nice to you meet you all. 'Delia here as told me quite a bit 'bout ya.”
“She has, has she?” Buffy asked. Cordelia rolled her eyes.
“No, I haven't. He's just trying to be nice.”
“Now this is just her trying to pretend like she's the princess of them all.” Smiling proudly, Doyle wrapped his arm around her waist and Buffy couldn't help but feel a little envy. They were married. Happy. Content in their lives. With each other. Buffy had yet to reach that point in her life. “Which she is in my book.”
Cordelia just kissed him on the cheek in response.
The happy couple walked off to sit back down and Buffy moved forward, Riley moving behind her followed by Willow. The table extended far and Buffy saw people she vaguely recognized from high school and others she didn't recognize at all. She spotted Xander once again and waved this time. He lifted his hand to return it and the couple in front of them, the ones they had been talking to, turned around out of habit to see whom he was waving to.
And then her heart stopped.
Angel... sitting at the table... in the arms of some woman.
He could only stare back in equal shock.
Buffy halted and Riley bumped into her lightly.
No one seemed to notice their connection as some people greeted them and others just nodded before turning back to conversations. But Christina took instant notice. As did Riley.
“Angel?” Christina asked softly, shaking Angel's shoulder lightly from where her arm was wrapped around him. “Do you know her?”
“What?” Angel asked breathlessly. Know her? Yeah... know her... His eyes still hadn't left Buffy's. She was standing there, her hand in the cradle of some other guy's and he could see her white knuckles out the corner of his eye. She was... here...
“Angel?”
Cordelia noticed what was happening almost instantly - ever the dutiful host trying to see everything that was going on around her - and she looked away from Doyle, her eyes switching between Buffy and Angel. She noticed Christina attempting to get Angel's attention and Riley just standing there, seeming a little lost as to what was happening. She also saw Willow, standing behind Riley's wide frame. She was pale, paler than usual, and her eyes were wide as she stared at Angel.
“What's going on?” Cordelia asked loudly. Her eyes narrowed. “Do you two know each other or something?”
Buffy blinked and her she sucked in a deep breath as she moved her eyes to Cordelia. “What?”
“Do you guys know each other? You're acting like you're having an affair or something.”
Buffy's eyes widened as she turned to stare at her outspoken friend, speechless, and Angel seemed to snap out of his trance, almost instantly. “Shut up, Cordelia.”
Cordelia lifted her eyebrows in surprise and offense as she met Angel's gaze head on. “What? What's going on between you two?”
“Nothing,” a small voice perked up from behind Riley.
The entire party seemed to have stopped. No one talked as they stared at the scene that was beginning to escalate. All eyes switched to the redhead as she spoke. Her eyes were just as wide as Buffy's.
“Nothing is going on between them.” Willow felt stupid as the words slipped past her lips but they just tumbled free.
Buffy couldn't breath. She was breathing, deeply, but she didn't feel it. She felt her throat starting to tighten and her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She was afraid of what would happen. Would she cry if he talked to her? Yell at him? Hit him? Instead of finding out, Buffy turned her eyes to the floor, avoiding all eye contact as she moved closer to Riley. She was incredibly tense and she felt Riley lift his arm and wrap it around her shoulders.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his breath warm against her ear as he squeezed her gently. She shivered.
Was she okay? Yeah, she was fine and dandy. Wasn't it just typical of fate to throw her past back into her face just as she thought she was starting to put it behind her. Breathing in deeply, Buffy forced herself to nod. She could feel everyone's stares, especially Angel's. She shivered again and she felt Riley tightening his hold on her.
Christina couldn't take her eyes off either of them. Angel was staring at the small blonde as if she were a tall glass of ice cold water in a dry, hot desert. He was looking at her as if she were a long lost lover that he had missed dearly. He never looked at her like that. Jealousy, envy, anger, sadness... emotions rushed through her like a waterfall and she moved before she could think.
Grabbing Angel's shoulder, she pulled roughly and he seemed to look more on instinct than curiosity. It was obvious that he would much rather be looking at the young woman who had walked in.
“Who is that, Angel? And why are you looking at her like that?”
Angel didn't say anything in response, his face slack as he stared at his fiancee. She was angry. The look on her face was clearly enough evidence. But angry at what.
“What?” Angel asked dumbly as the party around them turned into a series of soft whispers between friends and lovers.
Christina felt her hand tighten on his shoulder. Christina felt all of her anguish from the long years of Angel's distance rushing up in her and she narrowed her eyes. She couldn't stop herself, even if she wanted to. “Why are you looking at her like that? Is something going on that I should know about?”
“What? No.” Angel furrowed his brow. He didn't seem very sure of his own words as he turned to glance at Buffy. She was staring at him and Christina, her green orbs wide and emotional. “At least not anymore.”
“So what... she's an old girlfriend?” Christina knew she was acting irrational. But how could she not? The sight of her soon-to-be-husband melting into a puddle at the appearance of the blonde woman was heartbreaking. It was obvious they had a very intimate past with one another. It hurt her more than she would have liked to admit. Especially because he had neglected to mention it.
“Uh...” Angel turned to meet Christina's eyes once more. He could only stare at her.
But Xander was staring at Buffy. And Willow. His eyes were narrowed in suspicion. They looked like a bunch of teenagers who had just been caught having stealing something incredibly precious, only they looked a lot more scared. Willow was actually pale and Buffy was... well, she looked like she had after she had admitted to getting pregnant by an older man than having to get an abortion. She looked heartbroken and incredibly confused. It slowly began to dawn on him.
He couldn't remember the last time Buffy had had an actual boyfriend, that he remembered her mentioning she had little trysts here and there that she talked about sometimes, but actual boyfriends that Xander and Anya could meet and go to dinner on a double date... no. And he knew he would remember this one.
His eyes narrowed at Angel. “Hang on... how do you know Buffy again?”
Angel looked towards Xander, his face blank. Xander untangled himself from Anya as he leaned forward, his gaze switching to Buffy and Willow. “Did you date him or something?”
Buffy shook her head a bit before opening her mouth. But Xander didn't give her a chance to finish. “Or is this the guy that got you pregnant?”
Silence prevailed. There was nothing as Buffy felt her heart stop. How the hell did Xander know? Buffy began to breath heavily as she turned to look at Willow. She was staring at Buffy as well. She shrugged helplessly.
“It is, isn't it?” Xander demanded. He shot up out of his chair and turned to Angel. “You're the one that made her get the abortion?”
Willow couldn't believe what she was hearing. How did a little party turn into a nasty rehash of the past? How could Xander be actually saying these things? He was practically yelling and she couldn't help but notice Buffy's shaking. She was shaking. Badly.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Cordelia said, holding her hands up. “He's that guy?” Cordelia stood up as well. “You're that guy?” she asked Angel.
Angel just stared wide-eyed at Cordelia before turning to look at Buffy. Their eyes met for a moment before she turned and began to push her way through the crowd. Willow didn't hesitate a moment to follow. Riley quickly left after them.
Angel was stuck. He felt stuck. He felt numb. How the hell could any of them know this? He watched as Buffy rushed away from him... again. He felt Christina's hand leave his shoulder and he blindly looked over to where she had been sitting. She pushed her chair back and walked away quickly in the direction of the ladies room.
Cordelia quickly followed.
Xander was staring at him. “How the hell could you have done that to her?”
Angel looked back at him.
“You had no right to force her to do that. No right! You completely ruined her after that. You do know that, right? You fucked up her life.”
Standing slowly, Angel turned to face Xander. Staring at him coldly, Angel took a deep breath. He was surprisingly calm inside as he moved to speak before changing his mind. Closing his eyes, he shook it before moving after his fiancee and her best friend.
Xander grabbed his arm.
“You can't just disappear,” Xander said angrily. Angel met his gaze coldly before ripping his arm free and shoving Xander back.
“I don't know you. You don't know me. You don't know anything about what happened so I suggest you just stay the hell out of my business.”
Not waiting for a response, Angel turned and walked off towards the bathrooms.
“Christina?”
Cordelia's voice echoed in the small bathroom. Three stalls lined one wall and black sinks lined the opposite. A small shuffling alerted Cordelia to her friend's presence and she stepped fully into the bathroom.
“Christina? Are you in here?” Stepping to the stalls, Cordelia pushed them open slowly. The first two opened before she reached the third. It was locked. “Christina?”
“You knew about this?” came the tear-filled reply and Cordelia furrowed her brow. “You knew that he had... had forced that on that girl and you didn't tell me?”
“I didn't know it was him,” Cordelia objected. “I knew about Buffy, yes, but Angel? No. You know if I had known about him I would have told you.”
A small sniffling was her response and Cordelia brought her hand up, touching the door of the stall gently. “Honey, come out of there.”
“Oh, my god, I can't believe I didn't know this.” Cordelia frowned as Christina continued, “How could he have not told me? That is a pretty big issue, if you ask me.”
Cordelia heard the other brunette's breathing hitch as she tore some toilet paper from the dispenser. She heard the crinkling as she wiped at her eyes. Dropping her hand, Cordelia crossed her arms.
“How could Angel do that to someone?” A soft sob reached Cordelia's ears. “I feel like I don't know him... I don't know him at all, do I?”
“Chris?”
Cordelia's head shot up towards the entrance to the bathroom and spotted Angel's head peeking through the small crack he had created. In other circumstances, it would have been amusing to see him, of all people, poking his head through the door into a ladies room. But now, it just pissed her off.
“Get the hell out of here,” Cordelia demanded, stalking to the door. “Who do you think you are? First Buffy, now Christina? You're sick.”
“Cordelia, is she in here? I need to talk to her.”
“Like hell you need to talk to her. You need to leave her the hell alone, that's what you need to do.” The sarcasm in her voice wasn't lost on Angel.
“Christina?” Angel called, stepping fully into the bathroom, stopping before Cordelia who pressed her hands against his chest and pushed him back against the door.
“Get out. It's enough that you ruined Buffy's life. The least you can do is just get out.” Raising her arm, the angry brunette pointed to the door handle. “Out. Leave.”
“I need to talk to her. Explain what happened,” Angel replied, stepping forward once more. Cordelia pushed him back.
“What? Like you talked to Buffy? Yeah, that went real well. You do realize she was a train wreck after you left. After you killed your baby.”
The stony silence that filled the bathroom was deafening and both could clearly hear Christina standing up in the stall and opening the door. But neither looked away from the other. Angel set his jaw as he stared down at the woman who was friends with both of the women in his life.
“You don't know what happened. Nobody does and I am fucking sick of people butting in and not minding their own goddamn business. Now I would appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my face so I can talk to my fiancee.” His voice was low and Cordelia scowled at him.
“I'm not scared of you, Angel,” she replied, her voice even. “The fact of the matter is is that you have no right to talk to her. You have fucked up her life now, just like you did with Buffy's. Get. Out.”
Angel held her gaze for a heavy minute before looking away and over her head to see his fiancee standing in the middle of the bathroom, her face pale and red from her crying. The light reflected off the tears in her eyes as she stared at him.
“Go, Angel. I'm not ready to talk to you,” she said, her voice quiet and calm. Angel frowned and pushed past Cordelia, who allowed him.
“Chris, baby, please. I need to explain to you what happened. Why it happened. She was sixteen and-“
“Sixteen?” Christina echoed. “She was sixteen years old, Angel?”
“No, Christina, please. You have to understand how I was back then...”
“How you were?” Christina echoed. “An asshole, I'm presuming. A big enough asshole to fuck a sixteen year old, get her pregnant and then take the baby away from her.”
“Please...” Angel continued, the next words falling from his mouth on instinct. “This can't be good for the baby.”
A short, emotionless laugh fell from Christina's lips and her hand unconsciously came up to cover her stomach. “Can't be good for the baby?”
Angel opened his mouth to speak.
“No,” she said sharply. “I don't want to hear what you have to say. I... God, I can't believe you never told me. This would have been a lot easier if you had told me.”
“It was too hard,” Angel admitted after a minute, his eyes never leaving hers. “It was something I didn't want to talk about... again. Ever.”
“Well, you really don't have a choice now do you?” Sighing deeply, Christina looked to the floor. Cordelia stood silently in the background, her arms crossed over her chest. “The way you were looking at her...” Looking up again, her eyes narrowed more in pain than anger. “Do you still love her?”
Angel furrowed his brow and opened his mouth before closing it for a moment. Looking at the floor, he replied, “I never loved her.”
“It's a little hard to believe when you won't even look at me when you say that,” Christina said, her voice tinged with anger. “You do, don't you?”
“Don't be stupid,” Angel snapped at her as he looked up. “I don't love her, okay?”
“That's good,” Christina said, tears welling in her eyes at his declaration. She had to leave. It hurt too much to be near him, especially after learning about his past and the fact that he had never really left it. “That's good to know.”
“Christina,” Angel said, his voice cracking slightly as she walked past him. He grabbed her arm and she paused, pulling her arm free as she turned back to him.
“Listen to me when I say this because I won't say it again.” Angel felt a horrible feeling fill his chest. “I don't want to see you right now. I don't know when I'll want to see you again.”
Pausing, she stared at him as a tear slipped down her cheek. “Angel, I love you. I do. So much and I know our baby will, too. But if you can't love us back... then there really is no place for you in our lives.”
Angel felt his heart breaking as she turned and walked out.
Cordelia spared him a cold glance before following.
Angel watched as the door swung shut silently, the small sound of air being forced back in echoing in his mind as her words replayed over and over.
'... then there really is no place for you in our lives...'
God, what had he done?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Buffy!”
“No, Willow, I can't talk right now. I just... I need to go.”
Willow could hear the tears in her friend's voice and it hurt her. This was partially her fault. If she hadn't agreed to go to Cordelia's stupid party, then none of this would have happened. Buffy wouldn't have seen Angel and the blonde and Riley would be happy... somewhere else.
“Buffy... please stop. We should talk.”
“About what?” Buffy demanded, whirling around in the crowd to face the brunette. There were tears in her eyes as she spoke. “About Angel? Okay, let's talk. Let's talk about how moronic I am. About how stupid I am. Maybe about the fact that I can't talk to him without breaking down, let alone look at him.”
“Buffy, that's not your fault...”
“Isn't it? I mean, I'm the one that's been obsessing about him since he left. I keep thinking myself in circles and circles, killing myself wondering why I can't get over him. And you know why? Because I don't want to.”
Willow shook her head, her brow furrowing. “What? What are you talking about?”
“I don't want to get over him, Willow. I don't know why but isn't that the only logical answer?” Breathing in deeply, Buffy's stared at the redhead. “I'm still in love with him, Will. I never stopped. And because of that I can't... I can't stop... obsessing about him.”
“Buffy...”
“No. Stop. I don't want your pity.” The sharp tone that edged Buffy's voice caused Willow to pause.
“Is that what you think I'm doing?” Willow asked. “Pitying you?”
“It seems like it to me. All I get is 'I'm so sorry, Buffy' and 'this is all my fault'.” Staring at Willow, Buffy said, “I don't understand why you keep doing that. I don't want it!”
“I'm not pitying you, Buffy,” Willow said, and Buffy could hear the hurt in her voice. “I don't want to sound like I'm pitying you because I'm not. I really am sorry about... everything that has happened.”
“Why?” Buffy cried. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because it's my fault. I was the one who pushed you to him, I was the one who encouraged you to sleep with an older man, even though I knew it was illegal, and I was the one that kept your stupid secret when I could have made things better by... doing something to him!”
Buffy raised her hand. “Stop! Stop it! I don't want to hear anymore. It's not your fault. It never was!”
Willow opened her mouth to speak but Buffy continued. “I don't blame you. No one does. Stop fucking blaming yourself for something that happened to me!”
The pained look on Willow's face shot a pang of hurt to echo in Buffy's heart.
Opening her mouth once again to speak, Willow stopped herself before pushing past Buffy and walking towards the exit. Buffy turned to watch her go, more tears welling in her eyes as the last few minutes caught up with her.
As a sob broke past her lips, Buffy felt a warm hand on her shoulder and turned to see who it was. Riley's blue eyes met hers and Buffy felt another sob escape her throat as he pulled her into his arms.
He didn't speak as she cried against his shoulder, deep in the crowded restaurant beneath The Hela.
As moments passed, Riley continued to rub her back gently, his large frame bent over her as she wept her pain. He didn't say anything. Didn't do anything but comfort as she allowed more tears to fall down her cheeks.
As more time passed, Riley finally felt her pulling away. She looked up at him, her face red and her eyes slightly blood shot. But she was still one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She smiled apologetically.
“I'm sorry,” she said, her voice raspy from her crying. “This is embarrassing.”
“It's okay,” Riley assured her. “I understand. When you need to cry, you need to cry. Right?”
Buffy wiped the tears from her face as she looked over in the general direction where the party had begun. “What happened back there-“
“Isn't important. You don't need to explain anything to me.” Smiling down at her, Riley rubbed his hands up and down her arms, which suddenly felt more than chilled. “You can tell me when you're ready.”
Buffy couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was surprised he was being so... accepting of her past. She had figured he would at least be a little... disgusted? Mad? Buffy hadn't honestly known what to expect from her new boyfriend but this definitely wasn't it. But it felt nice that he could wait for her.
“Thank you,” Buffy said softly, looking up at him. He returned her gaze for a moment before she broke it. “I'll tell... I promise. I just have to... sort through some things, first.”
“Take your time,” he said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to her forehead before pulling her back into his arms.
Buffy rested her head against his chest, ignoring the curious gazes around her as she snuggled into her boyfriend's arms. Breathing in deeply, Buffy began to feel like she could get through this. Especially with Riley by her side. Maybe it could be the next step towards releasing her past and moving on. With Riley.
Pulling back, she laughed as she touched her face. “I must look horrible.”
Riley grinned. “You look beautiful.”
Blushing, Buffy stepped out of his embrace as she wiped at her eyes once more. “You're sweet. A liar, but sweet.”
Chuckling, Riley looked down at her. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah... Just let me go fix myself up. I'll be right back.”
Buffy moved to walk past him when he said, “Where's Willow? I thought I saw her leaving a minute ago.”
Buffy paused before shrugging slightly. “We kind of had a little argument. But I'm sure things will be okay tomorrow.”
“Oh...” Riley really didn't have anything to say in reply. He hadn't been with Buffy, nor been around Willow enough, long enough to say anything in reassurance about their friendship. “I'll be waiting by the door, okay?”
“Okay,” Buffy said with a smile before turning and heading for the bathroom.
The crowd seemed to have gotten thicker as she waded through the various gatherings. Realizing she was heading in the same direction as the table she had previously been at, Buffy switched directions, opting for the shadows near the opposite wall. She spotted the bathrooms and allowed herself a quick glance over her shoulder towards the table.
She could see a few people still lingering around, including Doyle. But she didn't see Angel or Cordelia or Angel's girlfriend. She didn't see Xander either. She could only imagine what had happened.
Pushing into the ladies room, Buffy sighed deeply before looking up. And stopping.
All the breath left her body as she spotted the dark figure of Angel sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, his head in his hands.
Emotions rushed through her and she felt slightly weak as she breathed his name, “Angel.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angel looked up at the sound of his name. At first, he thought it was Christina, coming back to him before he realized that it wasn't her voice. It couldn't be her voice because he would recognize the one that spoke to him anywhere.
He focused on her where she stood at the door. They were alone... together. Suddenly, the last time they had been together, alone, came rushing back to him and he narrowed his eyes in remembrance.
“Buffy.”
He saw her chest rising with her deep breaths as she looked around quickly, as if to reassure herself that she was in the right place. “Why are you in the ladies room?” Her voice was small and confused. She sounded... confused and very unsure.
“I...” Angel looked around. “I followed Christina in here.”
“Christina...” Buffy said the name slowly. She could only assume that he was talking about the woman he was with at the table. The one he had argued with over their past. “Is she your... girlfriend?”
Angel didn't notice her tone as he looked down at the floor. He felt numb. He felt tired. He didn't know what to do anymore and it was confusing the hell out of him. Christina's last words and now Buffy... now standing before him... it was too much.
“She's my fiancee.”
“Oh.” Buffy nodded, looking down at the floor as she pursed her lips. She was at a complete loss of what to do. She was amazed at how she was acting. Considering her reactions to him in the past, she was being surprisingly calm. And she couldn't help but go along with it. It was better than throwing her fists at him, or crying... or running back into his arms. “Your fiancee. That's... nice.”
Angel didn't respond for a moment and Buffy stared at him. He had gotten older. But he still looked the same. He had more muscle and his hair was a little shaggier with small speckles of gray but his face was still the same. A few more wrinkles... but his eyes. His eyes were so old and deep. It hurt to look in them.
“She said I couldn't be in her life anymore,” he said softly, whether more to himself or to her, Buffy didn't know. She frowned but didn't say anything. She could tell he wasn't done. “I've ruined everything. Everything.”
“I'm sure you haven't... ruined everything,” Buffy said awkwardly, wrapping her arms around her middle as she stood in the middle of the bathroom.
Angel looked up at her and Buffy was surprised to see tears in his eyes. Serious tears. She was further surprised when one rolled down his cheek.
“I've ruined everything. I... I'm not a good person, am I? I couldn't be with you, I can't be with Christina. I... god, Buffy... I am so sorry... You have no idea how... sorry I am.”
Buffy felt something in her chest break a little as another tear rolled down his cheek. But she still didn't move forward. What was she expected to do with this? It had been nine years since she had last talked to this man, and they had definitely left on bad terms. She had spent a good chunk of those years obsessing over what could have happened, what had happened... it was too much for her to just jump over and be all over him again, whether she be comforting or not.
In all honestly, she really didn't feel much of anything. She was looking down at her past, who was ready to cry, and didn't feel the urge to be angry or anguished. All she felt was sadness for what was happening before her. For the pain he was going through. Tears welled in her eyes.
“Of all the shit I put you through,” he said softly, his voice choked slightly with tears. “And all you did was put up with me. And I fucked up your life in return. I was practically using you, Buffy, and you just let me. Why? Why did you do that?” He looked up at her, but didn't wait for her answer. “And then you got pregnant...”
Buffy felt her heart and stomach constrict as he mentioned their dead baby. She looked down at the floor, away from his penetrating gaze as a tear finally fell, the memories he talked about rushing back to her like a freight train. Images of them making love flashed in her mind... and then the pain was there, reminding her of why she had run away from each time she saw him. She remembered telling him... then she remembered getting the abortion.
Buffy shuddered, wrapping her arms tighter as she shook her head.
“And you said you loved me...”
“Stop,” Buffy said in an almost non-existent voice, his last words almost the last straw. “Please stop...”
“And then I killed our baby... God, Buffy...” Buffy looked up at her name and crinkled her face in an attempt to stop herself from crying.
“Angel...” Buffy said, and Angel responded by standing.
“I'm so sorry, Buffy. I... I'm so sorry. I never had any right to do that... I'm so sorry.”
Buffy finally let a sob free and wrapped her arms around herself tighter. She didn't hear Angel moving until he was in front of her. And then his arms were around her as she cried.
Collapsing into his arms, Buffy let it all loose. She distinctly felt a few hot tears rain on her skin as they sank to the floor.
"And you said you loved me..."
"Stop," Buffy said in an almost non-existent voice, his last words almost the last straw. "Please stop..."
"And then I killed our baby... God, Buffy..." Buffy looked up at her name and crinkled her face in an attempt to stop herself from crying.
"Angel..." Buffy said, and Angel responded by standing.
"I'm so sorry, Buffy. I... I'm so sorry. I never had any right to do that... I'm so sorry."
Buffy finally let a sob free and wrapped her arms around herself tighter. She didn't hear Angel moving until he was in front of her. And then his arms were around her as she cried.
Collapsing into his arms, Buffy let it all loose. She distinctly felt a few hot tears rain on her skin as they sank to the floor.
Buffy's fingers clutched Angel's shirt tightly, pulling him closer to her as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Buffy was practically sprawled across his lap as he buried his face into her neck. Buffy felt a deep shiver running down her spine as more of his tears hit her bare skin.
They clung to each other, both of their pain from the past coming to the surface as Angel continued to mutter his apologies. His voice seemed to only make Buffy cry harder and she pushed her face into his shoulder roughly as a sharp sob sprang from her lips.
"God, Buffy," Angel whispered, inhaling gently, her soft scent filling his senses instantly. She smelled just like he remembered. Vanilla... cinnamon... just Buffy. His chest swelled as his heart scattered with guilt. "I'm sorry."
Buffy felt her heart freeze at his words. She so badly wanted to say that it was okay, that he was forgiven and they could move on, knowing things were alright between them. But they weren't. She wasn't near ready enough to forgive him for what he had done to her, no matter how badly he needed it right at that moment.
Pursing her lips, Buffy pushed her face against his arm, turning away from him and opening her eyes to stare at the wall blurrily. What was she doing? She felt his arms tighten and she knew he was waiting for something by the way he held his breath and paused at the nape of her neck. What was he waiting for? An apology back? Her permission for him to release all of the guilt he seemed to be holding in?
She knew she couldn't do that. At least not right now. Maybe never.
And yet, despite her strong desire to hate him in that moment for what he had done to her and being for thinking so goddamn selfishly, she couldn't help herself as she pulled him closer, urging him to wrap his arms around her tighter despite the fact that she wouldn't give him what he seemed to need. This was still the man that she had first fallen in love with - and still loved. The man who had been her first and who had been the only one to impregnate her with a child she knew she would have sacrificed the world for.
Buffy couldn't believe this was happening. Hadn't it been just a few short hours ago that she was moving on, forgetting Angel and not remembering the fact that she still had feelings for him? When she had been in Riley's arms? But it seemed like such a long time ago as she was catapulted back into the past, back to a time where she had been like this all the time. In his arms. In his arms all the time... God...
It just felt so... right.
"Buffy..."
"No, please..." Buffy interrupted. "Please don't talk... just..."
Buffy's words left her throat as he lifted his head from its resting place, his heavy breath tickling her ear as he rubbed his cheek against her throat, his light stubble scratching against her skin as his warm tears smeared along her temple. Almost on instinct, she turned towards him.
Buffy wasn't thinking as she moved. It was as if everything was in slow motion, as things tended to be where he was concerned. But this was different. He was different. Things had happened over the years that had changed them and when they had suddenly been thrust together as they had... Buffy felt her body tense as he rested his cheek against hers, pausing for a moment. Her breathing became almost erratic and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears.
They moved as one towards each other's lips and when they finally touched, it was as if a fire had started. Something she hadn't felt in years raced through her and her body reacted almost instantly. Opening her mouth, Buffy invited his tongue to play with hers and he responded just as eagerly.
As his fingers pulled through her hair, mussing it, memories rushed back to her and she felt a staggering feeling grip her heart and squeeze. She suddenly felt like she was back at his apartment on some random day, accepting his sexual touches and mistaking them for loving caresses. Everything she had fought to repress came rushing back and she broke the kiss with a strangled whimper.
Pulling away from him, she pushed him back and he merely looked at her with surprise. She wiped her mouth unconsciously before stumbling to her feet and backing away slowly, her hand still lingering on her mouth before turning and running from the ladies room.
***
"Willow!"
The redhead glanced back over her shoulder, her eyes slightly glossy with tears as she turned fully to watch Riley approach her.
"Are you not riding with us?" Riley asked as he approached his girlfriend's best friend. She shook her head slightly and he frowned at her. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just going to go home. Get some of that stuff called sleep." She didn't know whether or not the smile she gave him was real, but judging by his _expression, he didn't buy whatever she had flashed at him. But she didn't really care. She was sure that if she had to ride in the same car with Buffy completely ignoring her, she would start sobbing openly. The wound the blonde carried around with her was Willow's, too, no matter how minimal it was. And it hurt her more than she liked that Buffy was trying to take all the blame for herself. She was fairly certain that she should be glad that Buffy cared enough to take all the pain herself, but how could she when she felt so much guilt about it? "Where's Buffy?"
Riley gestured with his head back towards the club. "Cleaning up. How long have you been standing out here?"
Willow shrugged. "A while, I guess. Can't get a taxi."
"Did you call for one?"
"I don't have a cell phone."
"I'll call one for you... if you're sure that you don't want a ride home."
Willow's smile was once again forced. "I'm sure."
Riley didn't ask any further questions. He didn't know Willow enough to take it upon himself to pry into why the two women had been fighting. If Buffy wasn't going to tell him, he knew the petite redhead wouldn't either. Grabbing the cell phone from his pocket, he quickly dialed the easy taxi number and waited before giving the operator their location.
A few minutes later, a yellow taxi sped into the small drive before the club, easily avoiding the valet-parked cars. It let out a little honk from its horn. Willow smiled at Riley.
"Thanks. Can you tell Buffy..." Willow furrowed her brow as she hesitated. "I'll call her tomorrow?"
Riley smiled at her warmly. "Sure. I'll make sure she gets the message."
"Thanks."
Watching as the redhead climbed into the cab, he breathed in deeply before walking back towards the club, nodding at the bouncer as he reentered. He immediately searched the continually growing crowd for his little blonde but she was nowhere in sight. Sighing, he resigned himself to leaning against the wall, his eyes continuing to rove over the people's heads around him.
***
Buffy could barely see as she pushed her way through the large crowd. As it seemed to take her longer and longer to get to the exit, she became more aggravated with the people who were simply not moving. It didn't help that she couldn't stop the tears leaking from her eyes either.
She couldn't believe what she had done back there. What had she been thinking? Was she seriously that weak? That stupid? She was angry that she hadn't done what she had imagined doing a thousand times over. Slapping him. Telling him that he had no place in her life. Kicking him between the legs came up more than once. Not kissing. Never was there kissing. At least not in her conscious thoughts. It didn't escape her busy mind that she had dreamed about this happening more times than she cared to remember.
Which was why she had that medicine to help her sleep. Since she hadn't been back to Wesley after seeing Angel at his office, she hadn't been able to get a refill on her meds. But she also hadn't been plagued by the dreams and she gave all the credit to Riley. Sweet Riley. Buffy felt her chest squeeze as guilt marched through her. She was seeing Riley and here she was, kissing Angel like the weak little schoolgirl she still was.
Anger, pain, sadness, love... Buffy felt like an emotional wrecking ball and as she continued to push through the staring crowd, her feeling of vulnerability seemed to grow. She felt like an open book for all the people who cared to look at the crying girl sweeping past them. She felt like they had a front row seat to her past and everything associated with it. She hated the feeling.
Buffy didn't even think about looking around for her new beau, instead stepping out of the club in a flourish and walking away from the offending club and everything that had taken place there. The chilly air was absolutely refreshing and she took a deep breath as she continued to walk away. She felt goose bumps rise on her skin but she didn't think that it had anything to do with the fact that she had left her coat at the club. Instead, she gave their cause to Angel and what she had been doing with him earlier.
As Buffy turned the corner, she felt more tears rising and a sob fell from her throat. She didn't stop to see what direction she was going or whether or not she was heading towards her apartment. She didn't really care as long as she got as far away as possible from Angel and everything that had transpired.
She couldn't have stopped herself even if she tried.
***
The first thing Angel was aware of when he came home was the emptiness of his house. The fact that he had been expecting it didn't soften the blow that his fiancee had indeed walked out on him. Or hadn't even come back to the place they called a home together at all. The door shutting echoed loudly and he set his jacket and keys down gently on the table next to the door.
The emptiness didn't stop him from calling out for her anyway. It wouldn't hurt to make sure.
No one answered and the entire house seemed to be closing in on him.
Angel couldn't believe how numb he felt. Two very important things had happened to him that night and he didn't know what to feel. Or when to feel it. Or when to try to make things okay. Or when to do anything. The confusion that seemed to have taken precedence over all of his feelings was astounding. He had no idea about how to go about anything. He was trained to deal with things like this when it came to others... but when it came to him personally... he had no idea where to start. He wasn't even sure there was a starting point.
Angel wasn't quite sure what it meant that Buffy was at the top of his mind. How could she not be? She was such an intricate part of his past and seeing her again... kissing her again... she just made everything so cloudy in his mind. The moment he had touched his lips to hers, he had been thrown back to the last time he saw her. The last time he slept with her, both literally and sexually. When they had last kissed. When he had last seen her... the day she had gotten her abortion.
Then there was Christina. Angel knew he wouldn't know what to do with himself if something happened to her. He loved her. He truly did with everything in him. But it wasn't... something was missing and wasn't sure what it was but he did know that Christina had been aware of it the entire time they had been in a relationship. Something he was somehow unable to fully give her. Something that was essential to making things work.
And after what had happened that night... he could understand on a certain level why she reacted the way she did. He had kept a very important piece of his past completely hidden from her. A piece that would have solved a lot of problems and answered a lot of questions for her, probably in the end bringing them closer together and a possibility at gaining the ability to get over this easily. Essentially moving on - together - and realizing the past and learning from it. But now that that little piece had been uncovered so quickly and so brutally, Christina was paying the price for trusting him, with her heart and their child's future, when she had no right to do that in the first place.
But now that all might be gone. He might never know the child growing in Christina's womb. Just like neither he nor Buffy would ever know their child.
God, what kind of man had he turned into? Where had things gone so terribly wrong? He actually knew the exact day that those things went bad. The day at the coffee shop when he had first seen Buffy. The moment he set eyes on her...
And now he was paying the price for being a stupid hotheaded twentysomething. He was now damaged goods and had caused far too much pain to everyone he had held close to his heart. First Buffy. No matter how callously he used her, she was still something he treasured. And Christina, who he knew he would marry in a second if he could only get another chance to make things right.
Never had he felt as much loathing as he did in that moment for himself as he walked into the living room, switching on the light. He then noticed the little piece of paper sitting on the coffee table. Angel paused. She had been back here. She had come back to their home. She hadn't completely abandoned him.
Ignoring his reckless thinking, he walked slowly towards the paper, reaching out to pick it up, afraid of what it might say.
Angel,
I'm going to be staying with Cordelia for a while. I need some time.
I'll call you if I need anything.
I love you,
Chris
Staring at her cursive, it took a moment for Angel to look up and all he did was fall back on the couch and stare at the wall for a long time, the paper never falling from his fingers.
***
"How's she doin'?"
Cordelia looked up as Doyle approached her from behind. Looking back over her shoulder, she smiled slightly and then shrugged her shoulders from where she sat at the dining room table.
"Couldn't tell ya. Every time I go in there, all I hear is 'Yes, Cordelia' and 'No thank you' or maybe even a 'I'm just a little tired'. And when I start into the whole Angel thing, she just clams up. She won't talk."
Doyle placed his hands on his wife's shoulders, leaning down and placing a gentle kiss into her hair. "You hafta be a little patient with her, 'Delia," he said softly. "She just found out that her so-called-fiancee has been keepin' a few secrets from her last night."
Cordelia sighed deeply. "I know that. But I'm supposed to be her best friend, aren't I? I should be in there, letting her cry all over my shoulder or something."
Doyle chuckled. "Give her time. You'll be gettin' that privilege soon enough."
"Hopefully sooner than it's looking. I would feel like murdering you if you kept a secret like that from me." Cordelia paused before looking back at her husband. "You aren't, right?"
Doyle laughed outright. He knew better than that. And he knew that he didn't have nearly as big a secret as Angel did. "Of course not. You know all there is to know."
"I better. Because if you ever did anything like that to me," Cordelia said as she turned back to the mail she had been sorting through, "I would have to do something pretty bad."
***
Christina was numb.
No, not numb. But she wished she was. Instead she was caught up in a whirlwind of anger and pain. It was a horrible combination that she was sure if she didn't stop it would only get worse before she did something stupid like find Angel and tell him exactly what she thought of him in that moment.
He was sick. He was stupid. He was cold. He was so many things to her right then that she knew if she saw him again, she would break up with him... for good. And as much as she knew she wanted him to deserve it, she knew he didn't. She knew what kind of man he had been then. She had heard the stories - from his own lips - about the countless women who had paraded through his bed, or wherever else he found himself.
She knew how... dormant, was how he had described it, he had been. But she hadn't know that he had gotten a sixteen year old girl pregnant.
Wiping angry tears from her eyes, she hoped that he had only been mistaken by her age. That as a young girl, the teenager had lied to him about it. But judging by the sight of the blonde whom he had forced to get an abortion, she knew that that couldn't be true. The young woman had had an air of innocence and youth around her that was beautiful and added to her already graceful aging process. She was gorgeous. Petite and simple. A complete opposite of herself if she allowed herself to think it.
Christina wanted to hate her... Buffy. But then she couldn't help but place herself in her shoes. She knew that if she had been pregnant when she was sixteen, she would have wanted to keep it. That was how she was raised. She couldn't have killed her baby, willingly, even if someone had paid her.
But if it had been for love? Well... that was a different story.
Hugging the large pillow she was half laying on, Christina once again wiped at her tears. She couldn't hate her. But she couldn't hate Angel at the same time. Surely he had been scared. Stupid, of course, but scared. If someone had found out about what he had done, he would have gone to jail, for sure. And then he would have had a fatherless child running around somewhere.
Christina couldn't help herself as she imagined what could have happened at the party if Angel had told her about his past. She knew she would have... that's a lie, and she knew it. She had no idea of how she would have reacted. She probably would have shaken her hand and introduced herself as Angel's fiancee. And then everything would be fine, right? The girl - Buffy - would have just nodded and smiled because she had moved on and then everything would be fine...
But the little blonde hadn't moved on. That much was painfully obvious. The look on her face. The petrified look. The pained look. She had clearly not gotten over what had happened when she had been in high school. Which meant that Angel had scarred her in some way. And that hurt Christina as well.
If he was capable of such a thing, wasn't it possible that he would do the same to her? Not necessarily force her to kill their child, but...
And then came in their baby. God, the thought of their little baby living without his or her father was horrible. She didn't want that for anyone, and most certainly not for her child. But she couldn't help but think that Angel was somehow using her to make up for what he had done in the past. And that put into question his love for her. He claimed to love her, but... did he mean it?
Even so, Christina had never loved anyone nearly as much as she loved Angel. She loved him. With all she had. He was her first real love. They were going to be have a baby together. Or they were. Now she wasn't so sure. She didn't know if she wanted to be with him. What else could he possibly be keeping from her?
A small part of her knew that she had to forgive him - the part of her that was full of unconditional love for him. She didn't want to live the rest of her life alone...
There were too many thoughts in her mind. Too many extremely confusing thoughts that only added to her aching heart.
She wanted to forgive him and let them both move on, for both herself and their child, but the fear that he was still locked up in his past interfered with her thoughts and so she continued lying on the bed, thinking, unmoving as tears continued to slip down her cheeks.
She had no where else to go.
***
Willow looked up wearily as the phone rang again. And once again, she didn't move to answer it. She wasn't exactly sure who it was that was calling her, but she knew that if it were Buffy, she wouldn't talk. She was still too hurt from Buffy's words. Even a full day after it had happened, she was still hurt. She never held in her anger like this where Buffy was concerned. They always talked. But this was different because it was so deeply woven in them both. She was still stinging from every comment that had left Buffy's mouth.
How could she not be? How could Buffy not blame her? She was still in utter confusion about that. She knew what had been happening. What had been going on and yet she had done nothing when rationally that should have been the only thing she was doing. And she was so sick of thinking herself in circles of blame, but it was all true. The blame laid on her, and only her. Buffy was a victim in this. Willow knew she should have done something.
The blame also laid on Angel. He had been the adult in the stupid thing they called a relationship and he had done nothing but sit back and enjoy it. And that was where Willow should have stepped in.
But she hadn't and so here she was, not talking to her best friend after a huge event that would surely mean some serious best-friend talkage was needed. But how could she be there for her friend if she wouldn't share the burden that she carried. Willow may have carried her own, personal burden about what had happened between Buffy and Angel, but she wanted to help with what Buffy was dealing with. Though she knew everything about what had happened, she knew that Buffy still hadn't let her in completely. She always hid the little things that seemed to mean the most, which should have explained the very fact that she kept it to herself, but it only made Willow feel worse.
A red light blinking caught her attention from the corner of her eye and she turned to see that yet another message had been saved to her machine. She sighed. She wanted to talk to Buffy, but something was stopping her. Guilt? Anger that Buffy had yelled at her? And then more with the guilt that she was thinking that way...
Growling softly to herself, Willow flopped her head back against the cushions of her couch and closed her eyes. "Why is this so hard?"
She was answered with silence and it sucked because she knew the answer. Or she thought she did. It was because she loved Buffy. She was her best friend and she wanted nothing bad to happen to her. She wanted Buffy's life to be pain-free because that was a best friend's job. To help relieve the pain that life dealt out. And here she was... just sitting here.
But she still didn't move toward the phone.
***
Buffy slowly set the phone down and stared at it. Willow still wasn't answering and this was the fourth time Buffy had left a long message asking Willow to call her back because they really needed to talk. About everything. It seemed after what had happened the night before, Buffy was unable to escape her constant state of fragileness. She had been forced to confront the demons that had plagued her for nine years and she had failed miserably. She needed to tell someone who knew about the situation enough to understand what she was going through.
Buffy knew that if she didn't reach Willow soon, she would break down crying. Again. She was very sure that she would run out of tears eventually but that had yet to come. And in the meantime, all she could do was weep. And for what? Why was she still crying over this? She was so mad that she couldn't simply get up and leave it all behind because it didn't matter. It shouldn't matter, still, after all this time. But it did.
After Buffy had made it home and had been laying in bed for a good hour, someone had knocked at her door. The relief that Buffy had felt when she saw Riley on the other side had been so immense that she started crying once again. He had stepped forward and simply hugged her, for which Buffy was so incredibly grateful for. He was so sweet and so nice and so caring. He was everything she knew she should want and need... but he wasn't.
Which only made Buffy cry harder as he held her. She didn't once open her mouth to voice her pain and he didn't ask. He understood that she came with a strange past that had taken a huge emotional bite out of her. She knew she didn't deserve him. Knew he deserved so much better than a person who was not capable of returning his affection nearly as much as he deserved. But she didn't care. He liked her and he cared enough to sit by while she cried all over him.
The very idea warmed her immensely and she had eventually cried herself to sleep. He had put her in her bed and left, leaving that coat she had left at the club on her couch and locking the door behind him. Her heart had swelled even more.
Buffy had called in sick, again. Luckily, there was nothing too demanding sitting on her desk waiting for her so she had been able to get away with it. She had spent the entire day lounging around her apartment, drinking coffee.
Buffy wished that she could talk to Riley about all this but she wasn't sure what his reaction would be. If it was near anything that Christina - Angel's fiancee - had done, she knew she would regret ever opening her mouth. She hadn't really ever planned on telling Riley about what had happened to her and wasn't quite sure she wanted to. She didn't want him to go away because he was quickly becoming a comfortable place for her to rest her head when she was distressed.
With Willow not answering her phone - which she usually did that late at night - Buffy was left with one choice that she really didn't feel like taking up. She knew that she did not want to go back there, under any circumstances because there was the most definite chance that she would run into Angel. And she was not prepared for that at all. She was not sure at all of how she would react to seeing him again. Faint? Kiss him? Kick him?
One thing she knew was that she wouldn't go there. Call him? Sure. Meet him? A definite course of action that had potential. But going there? Never.
***
Wesley didn't bother looking up as his phone buzzed, signaling his secretary. Pushing the button without looking from one of his patient's files, he asked, "Yes, Anya?"
"A Buffy Summers to see you, Mr. Pryce," she said, her tone bored. Wesley was startled, looking up from the papers he was reading.
"Send her in immediately," he said quickly, standing and approaching the door. He reached it before she could and he watched as Gunn walked by, saying hi to his former patient while jokingly remembering when she had fainted. Wesley ushered her in quickly as she smiled uncomfortably at the reminder and stepped into his office.
"Buffy, what are you doing here?"
Buffy sighed and didn't bother covering up her reasons. She simply sat in her favorite chair as Wesley sat next to her rather than his customary seat across the desk. He couldn't help but notice the tired circles under her eyes. Or the overall stress on her entire person. She looked like she had had a trying few days.
"Angel," she said tiredly.
Wesley furrowed his brows, ignoring for the moment that they had agreed she would never come back to these offices as long as Angel resided there. "The dreams again?"
Buffy blinked before opening her mouth and allowing everything to fall free like a floodgate opening, "No. Angel as in crying on him and kissing him, effectively helping him cheat on his fiancee and me cheating on my boyfriend and Willow's mad at me about the whole stupid Angel thing and I think I still love Angel because Riley is so nice to me and your secretary was at that stupid party the other night where Angel was and just everybody was and she was giving me weird looks because she works for Angel and she probably knows that we kissed and... and... just everything Angel-related!"
Wesley merely raised his eyebrows in surprise at the outburst.
Mid-October 1999
Buffy had felt worse in her life, but this was running a close second. Leaning her head back against the wall, she settled against it, sighing deeply as she swallowed roughly. The vile taste in her mouth caused her to shudder in disgust as she closed her eyes.
Placing a heavy hand on her stomach, Buffy groaned. She hated getting sick. Almost as much as she hated hospitals. It made her feel like she was heaving her entire inner workings into the toilet only to be flushed away.
"Buffy! Are you okay?"
Looking up tiredly, Buffy nodded her head to the empty bathroom as she leaned forward to grab the edge of the counter.
"I’m fine. Just a little... stomach ache."
Pulling herself to her feet, Buffy immediately reached for her toothbrush sitting in its little cup. A stomach ache. That’s all it was. That’s all it felt like. Well, it did when she woke up this morning to the feeling of throw up dancing across the back of her throat. She had made a mad dash for the bathroom, almost spilling the contents of her stomach in the hall before she reached the toilet. And the rest... well, thinking about it only made her feel worse than she did so she concentrated on grabbing the toothpaste and smoothing it onto the toothbrush.
Buffy could hear her mother coming down the hall softly as she scrubbed at her teeth and wasn’t surprised when her mother poked her head into the bathroom, moving in fully when she saw Buffy standing.
"Did you get sick?" she asked, worry coloring her tone. Buffy didn’t reply as she spat her toothpaste into the sink, quickly washing it away with water as she straightened.
"Yeah. But I’m feeling better." She did feel better. Much better. It was just as if her stomach had needed to empty itself instead of waiting for the food to be processed like other normal stomachs. She felt a little queasy but she could tell it was slowly disappearing. And it definitely wasn’t as bad as when she had awoken that morning.
Rinsing her toothbrush, Buffy replaced it before wiping her hand across her mouth.
Turning to face her mother, she put on a brilliant smile. "I’m just ducky."
Joyce just looked down at her daughter, doubt on her face. Lifting her hand, she felt Buffy’s forehead. "Are you sure? It didn’t sound very ducky."
Rolling her eyes, Buffy gently pushed Joyce’s hand away. "I’m not sick. I promise. I never, ever get sick and when I do, we know this, right? Remember last time?"
Joyce remembered. It may have been six years ago but the terror on her daughter’s face had been too real to forget. Buffy’s fever had gotten so high that Joyce had decided to go to the hospital, just in case. Buffy’s father had told she was overreacting and stayed home, but Joyce knew better. She knew when her child was sick and when she did and didn’t need more help than chicken noodle soup.
As she drove to the large white building, Buffy had fallen asleep in the back and was asleep all the way through the process of waiting until a doctor was available. But the instant Buffy had been laid out on the hospital bed, her eyes had snapped open and she practically dove right back out of it. Joyce would never forget the look in her daughter’s face as she held her to her chest, rocking her back in forth as the little blonde cried.
All she wanted was to go home.
But the reaction had agitated her temperature and the doctor requested that she stay overnight for a checkup. Joyce had stayed with her and she wouldn’t forget the feeling of her daughter clutching her hand so tightly she felt her ring biting into her flesh. It wasn’t until later that Buffy told her she had started disliking hospitals the day her cousin died right before her eyes from a seizure.
Refocusing on her daughter’s bright eyes, she smiled easily. That was of the past. Buffy was older and far more mature than when she had been when she was ten. She knew she could handle fevers and hospitals much better now.
"I remember, honey, but this is different. You don’t have a temperature of 106 degrees."
Buffy rolled her eyes once more as she pushed past her mother. "All the more reason that I should go to school. There really is nothing wrong with me."
"Buffy, you just threw up," Joyce objected.
"But I feel better." Standing before her mother in the doorway to her bedroom, Buffy placed her hands on her hips. "I’m good. Not even warm. I’m cold even. Which is why I’m going to go to school and have a good time learning and all that jazz."
Joyce narrowed her eyes. "Why are you so eager to go to school all of a sudden?"
Buffy paused for a split second before making an exasperated sound. "I’m always excited to go to school. I like to... learn."
Joyce couldn’t help the chuckle that crossed her lips at the look on her daughter’s face. Leaning forward, she shook her head. "I love you, Buffy," she said, kissing the blonde’s tan forehead. "But you really are the weirdest daughter in the world."
"Love you, too, mom," Buffy replied sarcastically, but she smiled. "I’m going to get ready now, okay?"
"Alright. Do you need a ride to school or is Oz coming by today?"
"Oz. And Willow. And maybe even a little Xander thrown in there. I’m covered."
"Okay." Staring for a few seconds more, Joyce turned and walked a few paces before turning back. "Are you sure you’re alright?"
"Mom, I’m fine. I feel a thousand times better."
Joyce didn’t look nearly as convinced as Buffy would have liked but she turned anyway and continued walking. Staring after her for a moment, Buffy finally turned, shutting her door as she moved to her closet.
Buffy felt great actually. She didn’t really know how to explain what had happened a few mere moments ago but she felt as if it had never happened. Which was good because her day was turning around and she smiled as she stood before her closet.
She might get to see Angel today.
***
Buffy was angry. No, she was mad. Enraged, even.
It took a good amount of willpower not to slam the door shut behind her as she stormed into her room. Her mother was already concerned enough with the way she had been acting lately. Didn’t need to throw a mother/daughter argument in there.
Tossing her bag carelessly onto her bed, Buffy flopped back against her comforter, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t understand why she was so angry or why she wanted to punch Angel so badly.
Three days since she had left him a message the day she had thrown up. Three long days waiting for him to call back, and she never heard anything. She left him another message, and he still didn’t call back. She called both his cell phone and his home phone. No answer. No response to her messages.
It was really pissing Buffy off.
And she didn’t even know why. She was sure he had a ton of other things going on. He had to with the workload he said he took home every night. So she really shouldn’t be getting so mad but there was a little voice in the back of her head wondering why the hell he wasn’t spending as much time with her. They had been "seeing" each other for at least five months, maybe even a little more, and he was still treating her like they had just met. What the hell was his problem?
Sighing angrily, Buffy sat up and looked around her room coldly before spotting her phone. Snatching it off her desk, Buffy dialed the long-ago memorized phone number, holding it to her ear as she listened to the ringing. Sitting on her bed, she listened to the endless ringing before his breathy voice answered.
"Hello?"
"Angel?"
Buffy furrowed her brow as the phone shuffled for a moment before he answered. "Buffy?"
"Yeah, hi. I’ve been trying to reach you."
"You have?" Buffy hated the way his voice sounded. It only made her angrier. "I haven’t heard anything."
"I’ve been leaving messages for a while now. Are you okay? Or did you just happen to fall off the face of the earth for three days."
She heard his pause on the other end followed by someone else breathing. Confusion creased her features as she tried to listen harder, but she was interrupted by Angel responding.
"What’s wrong? Are you okay? You don’t sound so good over there."
Buffy couldn’t tell whether he was being truly concerned or just playing it off like an asshole guy would. But no matter what the truth behind the words were, she deflated and her shoulders sagged as the words circled in her brain. Doesn’t the fact that he said them mean something?
"No, I’m... I’m fine. I’m just... I miss you."
Her small voice seemed too loud in the room as she waited for his response.
"I miss you, too, Buffy. I’ve just been... busy, is all."
"Busy? With work?"
"Yeah. You know how that is, right?"
Buffy didn’t know what to say. On one hand, she wanted to tell him to come over and prove to her that he was really telling the truth. On the other hand, though, she wanted to ask him what he really was doing. She couldn’t seem to shake the odd suspicion that something else was going on and it fueled the dying anger in her chest.
"Yeah. Yeah, I know how that is."
She heard his pause once more before his loud sigh. He switched ears once again and he said, "Do you want to meet somewhere tomorrow?"
Buffy breathed in and spoke without thinking. "Yeah. Where?"
"I don’t care. A restaurant? How about that new one on Main?"
Buffy nodded. "Okay. What time?"
"Just come over after you get out, okay? I’ll be there."
"Alright. I’ll see you then?" Buffy couldn’t hear the own hope in her voice as they hung up after a few seconds.
Buffy felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest and she sighed before setting her phone on the side table gently.
***
"Buffy? Are you okay?"
Willow could hear her friend heaving from the inside of the bathroom stall and she knocked gently as the sound finally dissipated.
"I’m fine, Will... just a little disagreement with the stomach."
Willow frowned at the soft tone of her friend’s voice, but pushed on. "Are you sick? Do you want to go home?"
"No. No, I’m good. Just had to... be sick."
Furrowing her brow, Willow continued, "Are you sure? This is the second time this has happened, isn’t it?"
"It’s nothing. Just a little virus or something. I’m good."
"Maybe you should go home," Willow continued, listening as Buffy flushed the toilet and stole some toilet paper from the dispenser. "If you have a virus thing."
Buffy didn’t respond as she opened the door to the stall, stepping out. Smiling at Willow, she walked towards the mirrors, looking at her reflection. Frowning at the pale person who stared back at her, she pulled her bag before her, rummaging through it.
"Buffy..."
"It’s fine, Willow," Buffy snapped, turning to glare at her redheaded friend. At the startled look on Willow’s face, Buffy’s shoulders sagged and she sighed. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you."
Willow watched as the blonde applied a healthy amount of new makeup to her face as she spoke, "I just want to get out of here."
"To go see Angel," Willow finished as she leaned her hip against the sink next to where Buffy stood. Buffy missed the mixed look her friend threw her as she grinned happily.
"Yeah. To see Angel."
Willow didn’t know if she was honestly surprised at the sudden change in her friend’s attitude. At the first mention of Angel’s name, she turned into a glowing ball of happy light. And Willow didn’t want to be the one to burn that light out. It was nice seeing Buffy this happy, but the reason for said happiness wasn’t exactly so... nice.
"Where are you meeting him?"
"That new restaurant that just opened a few weeks ago."
"Oh."
"Would you mind covering for me. If my mom calls, can you tell her I’m over at your house?"
Willow paused, staring at her friend with a deep frown before forcing an uneasy smile as Buffy turned to her. She nodded. "Yeah. That’s okay. I’m cover-girl."
Buffy grinned as she popped a mint into her mouth. "You’re the best, Will. What would I do without you?"
Willow refused to answer that question as she followed Buffy out of the bathroom.
***
"Mr. Roarke? You have a phone call on line two."
Looking up, Angel scowled, pressing the little button to call his secretary back. "Who is it?"
"A Ms. Wills."
Furrowing his brow, Angel responded, "A first name, please."
"Victoria."
Victoria? Did he know a Victoria? Shaking his head slightly, Angel shrugged to his empty office. "Tell her I’m in a meeting."
"Yes, sir."
Leaning back in his plush chair, Angel stared down at the file before him. He wondered where it was exactly he had met Victoria. He gave his phone number out to numerous women, knowing full well it was very likely that he wouldn’t remember who they were when they called but also knowing that it would be convenient if he ever felt the need for female companionship. And this case was no different. The more he concentrated on the name, the harder it was to bring up a face that could possibly match it.
Sighing, Angel stapled his fingers, resting his chin on them as he turned to look out his large picture window. He wasn’t quite sure why he had turned down Victoria. He was fairly certain that he would have made it clear that he would be technically using her for a brief period of time before discarding her. He took careful steps to never fall into the mistake that would be a relationship. Taking a moment to gnaw on his tongue, Angel knew that he would have been able to meet Victoria and still have time to get to the restaurant for his rendevous with Buffy. Although he wasn’t sure if that would have been a good idea. Buffy had been quite... needy in the recent weeks, the few times that he had seen her that was. Angel found that it was taking more than usual to keep her sated and he didn’t quite know what to think about that.
Not that was complaining because as time passed, she continually kept him on his toes as far as her experimentation levels went and he enjoyed her innocent curiosity and blossoming beauty. She was by far one his better conquests and never ceased to surprise him. But one of the things that did keep him constantly looking over his shoulder whenever he was in her presence was their age difference. That was definitely something he knew he should be more careful about... but he couldn’t seem to actually give a damn when she was by his side. She did not, by a far leap, look her age, especially the way she had been dressing recently, and her growing confidence whenever she was around him helped keep up her appearance.
But he wasn’t sure that was enough. In the beginning, it had been fun, taking such an naive and inexperienced girl and showing her what it meant to be a woman. But as time passed, and they grew closer - in the bedroom, because he was not stupid enough to get involved romantically with a sixteen year old girl - things changed. He didn’t know if it was that she was becoming more attached to him or he to her. It was obvious that she was something of an obsession for him because he was entirely unwilling to give her up, but he wasn’t sure where to draw the line anymore. When their little affair had begun, he had kept everything inside, indoors where no one would be able to see them. Now? He didn’t care anymore, just as long as he could have her anywhere and anytime he wanted.
This afternoon was a fantastic example of that. He would have never dared taken her out to eat after their first sexual encounter and now, the minute she calls saying she misses him, he’s at her beck and call, the urge being even worse in that he had been practically avoiding her calls and taking other women into his bed. Why it was that he had been avoiding her, he didn’t quite know, but one thing he was extremely certain about was that he wanted her. Now. And badly. The mere thought of seeing her and taking her, especially after their long break, was enough to make him cancel his entire afternoon and go pick her up. There was something so pure about her, something that never ran out and that he could never get enough of, something no other woman seemed to possess, and he didn’t know what it was... wasn’t sure he wanted to really know.
A loud beep interrupted his thoughts and he turned his chair around, habitually reaching for the call button without even thinking.
"Yeah?"
"Mr. Roarke, your one o’clock meeting is beginning."
Cursing silently, Angel stood, grabbing his jacket as he said, "I’m on my way."
Checking the time to confirm his secretary’s reminder, he made a mental note to cut it off in time to meet Buffy.
***
Buffy knew she should have been aggravated with him. Should have stopped him and told him no to what he was clearly wanting to do. But she didn’t. Couldn’t. Because she wanted it just as bad as he did. Needed it. Her body was aching the minute his hand grazed her shoulder and he looked down at her. The minute their eyes met, she knew they would not be eating lunch. After she had waited for fifteen minutes, she had been ready to get up and leave, let him come and wait for her, when she felt his hand on her. The rest was, as they say, history.
His hand was up her shirt the minute they entered the men’s bathroom, the door slamming open and hitting the wall forcefully. Neither cared nor took the time to hide what they were doing. Angel stumbled towards the nearest stall, half dragging Buffy with him while at the same time trying to give her enough room to keep up with him. Annoyed with the little progress they were making, Buffy was ready to jump up and wrap her legs around his waist when they finally reached the cold metal door. Without their lips breaking apart, Angel pushed her roughly into the stall, following suit. Buffy’s back banged painfully into the door but she didn’t care, nor did she take a moment to make sure no one was in the bathroom with them. Returning his favor, she pushed him back into the opposite wall, the time of travel minimal as Angel struggled with the door, finally closing it fully and barely locking it before turning his attention back to the blonde in his arms.
Buffy couldn’t believe how good his lips felt against hers. It felt like an eternity since she had been touched by him, since he had touched her. Nails scraping against his suit, her hands found their way down to the buckle of his belt as Angel continued to grope her breasts. He groaned loudly as her long nails scraped against his erection roughly as she fought with his pants. Without even thinking, Buffy began to maneuver him towards the black-cased toilet so he could sit. She didn’t bother to check and see if there was a lid on it - there was no such thing as lids on the toilets in restaurants, or at least the ones she had gone to, but she didn’t care, nor did she notice that this one did have a cover and it was down.
Angel sat down with a muted smack and Buffy softly bit at his lips as she slid to her knees before him. Her hands worked faster as Angel’s fingers wove trail through her blonde locks, taking hold and squeezing tightly. Before she knew it, his large member had popped free and stood tall before her eyes. Buffy opened her mouth and looked up at him through her lashes. She found him staring down at her, his eyes dark with lust and passion, the likes of which she hadn’t seen in a long while. It only made her wetter between her already slick thighs.
Not taking the time to tease him, Buffy took him entirely in her mouth, her tongue immediately swirling around him seductively, her lips tightening instantly. A loud moan in the form of her name fell from his lips and he let his head fall back for a second before her returned his eyes to her actions. There was nothing more erotic than the sight of her blonde head bobbing up and down in his lap, her pink lips wrapped around his hard cock with the most delicious pressure. He could feel his heart and breath quickening as she sucked, quiet cries falling from his throat as she continually reached the mushroomed head of his cock, her tongue slipping over the seeping tip before slipping back down. He was sure he would die before she finished.
"Buffy," he grunted, his fingers tightening in her hair. She moaned iresponse, the vibrations from her throat sending pleasurable jolts through his system. "Oh, god, Buffy... stop."
She once again moaned around him, her head shaking no as she increased her speed and her pressure.
"Buffy," he growled, his voice surprising loud in the small space. "I want to come inside you."
Buffy began to hum around him and she almost shouted in pain as he roughly pulled her head away, pulling her to her feet by her arms. She could barely comprehend what it was he was doing as he simultaneously pushed his pants lower on his hips while reaching underneath her skirt and slipping into her underwear. Their groans were in sync as his fingers dove into her dewy wetness, his fingers pushing deeper. Buffy felt her body jerk as he pulled her hips closer to him and he smiled up at her as she looked down on him with dazed eyes.
"So wet," he whispered, licking his lips. That simple act was enough for Buffy to come right then and she opened her mouth in a pant as he circled her clit roughly. "You want me inside, baby? Right... there?"
"Oh!... Angel, yes... now," Buffy whispered down to him. He smiled up at her, a teasing smile as he continued his slow movements. "Angel, please. Now. Now... now..."
Her whimpering was like an aphrodisiac in and of itself and Angel couldn’t hold out any longer. Tearing the thin panties she wore, he pushed her skirt up her legs and pulled her closer. She didn’t have to be told to spread her legs on either side of him as her hands found his shoulders for balance and both of them gasped as she sank down on him, his fingers digging into the skin of her hips painfully, surely leaving little marks where his nails were sinking into her.
She immediately moved to pick herself up and Angel helped to push her back down, his hips moving to meet her. As he slammed her down onto him, Buffy felt loud cries building in her chest and she bit her lips as she leaned her head forward, letting it rest against the crown of his. Moving together, their soft grunts and moans echoed loudly in the small bathroom as they worked each other towards completion. Buffy could feel her orgasm building quickly and she wrapped her arms around Angel’s head tightly, cradling it against her body as she fought the urge to cry out her pleasure. She felt almost powerless against the feelings coursing through her body, but she had also never felt more alive.
"Oh, god," she whimpered into his hair," Oh, god, yes, yes..."
"Buffy," Angel moaned, his arms wrapping around her waist. Buffy felt like she was being turned upside down as he suddenly stood up and slammed her into the stall door. Crying out, she felt her fingers clawing into his jacket as he thrust into her harder, her hips smacking against the metal door. It was almost too much and Buffy couldn’t hold it in anymore.
As Angel thrust into her harder, she was hit with her orgasm and a loud cry fell from her lips, followed by another as he finally came with her, his thick seed coating her walls as he arched against her.
A silent moment passed full of heavy breathing as Angel trapped her against the wall. She didn’t even want to think about moving. She was warm. Content. She let her head fall back against the stall door, a loud thud echoing in the bathroom.
"I really needed that," she whispered to him, her eyes closed as his hot breath fluttered against the skin of her throat.
Angel chuckled. "Me, too."
She let out a dry laugh before it was cut off by the sound of someone darting out of the bathroom. Buffy gasped as her eyes snapped open and she immediately tried to look over the walls to see who the culprit had been, despite the fact that she knew he was no longer in there with them.
"Oh, my god," she whispered harshly, "Somebody was in here." She attempted to remove herself from the door where she was trapped beneath Angel’s heavy bulk when she felt him laughing. She stared down at him where he rested against her shoulder and she smacked the back of his head in hopes to make him stop - this was seriously not funny - which only seemed to make him laugh harder.
"This is not funny," she said, her lips almost pulling back in a smile at the sound of his laughter. "Not. Funny."
Angel only chuckled in response before kissing her lips gently. "I know you’re laughing, Buff," he said between kisses. His tongue slipped into her mouth and she returned the favor whole heartedly, ignoring his comment and temporarily forgetting that someone had been listening in on them.
After a moment passed, Buffy felt Angel begin to untangle himself from her and she felt entirely unstable as he settled her back down on her heeled feet. He quietly cleaned himself off as she looked around the floor for her panties as she readjusted her skirt.
"Angel," she said, looking around. He looked up at her from where he sat on the toilet. "Where are my panties?"
He merely threw her a half smile before standing up and opening the door.
"Angel!"
***
As Buffy finished emptying the contents of her stomach into the bowl, she settled back against the bathroom wall as she flushed the toilet. She was just glad that her mother wasn’t here at the moment. She was sure she wasn’t in the mood to talk to her mother about her continued, and very strange, bout of sickness. She didn’t think she could handle the questions that would be thrown her way, mostly because she some of the very same ones for herself. And they were very disturbing questions.
Slowly standing up using the counter, she allowed herself to look in the mirror. She looked... tired, but happy at the same time. That didn’t stop the dread from seeping into her bones and giving her deep chills. She wasn’t quite sure what was wrong with her, but she knew that she wasn’t exactly ill because she felt perfectly fine... except for the horrible nausea. That was something she couldn’t explain... and wasn’t quite sure she wanted to explain.
Staring into her own eyes, Buffy searched them for answers before giving up and allowing her eyes to drift down to her stomach. She wasn’t stupid. She knew the symptoms when she saw them. Or had them.
With a strong chill dancing down her spine, Buffy slowly lifted her shirt and stared at her washboard stomach. Without taking her eyes off of it, she whispered, "Am I pregnant?"
The panic that suddenly hit her didn’t allow her to answer as she ran from the bathroom, avoiding her eyes in the suddenly harsh mirror.
***
She couldn’t believe how long it took to wait for that damn stick. It shouldn’t take this long. Her hands were shaking so badly she could barely stop herself from wringing her fingers just to keep them occupied. As she paced around her bedroom, she stared at her floor, her eyes flicking to her clock radio every few seconds to check the time.
Just a few more minutes...
Buffy didn’t allow herself to think about what might happen if she was pregnant. There was no question as to who the father was. She had only ever been with one man. One older man. Oh, god, Buffy felt like her chest was going to explode and she could feel her heart beating a million miles per hour. It shouldn’t be going that fast. It shouldn’t be going that fast...
Glancing up at the clock again, she continued her pacing.
A few more minutes...
Digging her nails into the cold skin of her hands, she waited impatiently for the clock to reach the right numbers. She should call Willow. She should tell Willow. No, no, that would be bad. She should deal with this on her own. It was her mess.
Oh, god...
Looking up at the clock radio, she felt her breath catch as she saw that the time she had waited for had passed. It was ready. Turning slowly, she stared at her desk where it sat, white and alone against the wooden background her desk provided. It was faced down and she couldn’t see the results from where she was standing.
She should call Willow...
Shaking her head, she fought to take a deep breath. She was amazed at how hard it was. It shouldn’t be that hard to breath...
Taking a step forward, Buffy stopped. What if she was pregnant? What would happen? Where would she go? She certainly couldn’t tell Angel, she could never tell her mother, she probably couldn’t even tell Willow... what would they all think of her? God...
Taking another step, Buffy paused again, before taking another step. Buffy repeated the process until she reached the desk and, as her hand hovered over the stick, she felt tears slowly burning her eyes as they began to surface.
"Oh, god..."
With shaking fingers, she picked it up and turned it around before dropping the stick back down to the ground.
"Oh, my god," she sobbed as she followed suit.
Buffy turned her head, smiling at the man sitting next to her as he lifted her hand to his mouth and laid a gentle kiss to her knuckles. It felt sweet and easy, like something you would feel after seeing a movie full of hopeless romantics and star-crossed lovers. He returned the gesture, his eyes resting heavily against hers before turning back to the screen to watch the action.
Buffy allowed her eyes to rest on him for a moment longer, tracing the loose hair and the strong features that her boyfriend owned, before turning back to the movie herself. They were at a “chick flick” as Riley had lovingly called it. It was one of the common movies, containing the same themes, circumstances and even the same damn music, that came out a couple of times every year. The girl-y side of her wanted to see them all and daydream about the love that the main characters shared, while another part wanted to tell the movie makers to screw off because they were working over time. They never seemed to capture anything right.
As the movie progressed, Buffy could feel Riley’s fingers covering hers, caressing her hand and sometimes creating a tingling trail up her wrist before moving back down. It gave her a low humming set deep in her stomach and chills would sometimes dance down her spine. It was nice, experiencing the simple touches of this one man, the man she considered hers and definitely vice versa, and had the potential to one day be loved... maybe completely.
Despite his obvious gentle movements, Buffy hardly returned the gesture, instead letting him to do his thing. She knew that she probably should, try to scrape her nails against his chest or something to give him the same chills that he gave her, but she refrained. She didn’t know his special spots and wasn’t ready to find out.
It had been several days since she had seen Wesley, and Buffy and Riley had yet to bring up the reason for her visit to him. She knew Riley wouldn’t, merely out of respect, but she also knew she wouldn’t because she didn’t want to rehash those types of things with him yet. Yet. After a lot of thinking and wondering, Buffy had come to the conclusion that something was developing with Riley, and all of the surprise visits from Angel couldn’t stop that because they were entirely separate things. So she knew, soon, she would tell Riley all about it. But not yet.
They had talked about the party, about Angel and what had happened. It was strange that they mostly dwelled on the subject of Willow and her response to the Angel situation, as if Wesley knew that that was affecting her a great deal more than actually kissing Angel. If Willow, her best friend, couldn’t understand this, then Buffy was definitely in a world of hurt. Wesley hadn’t made any strict conclusions about what had happened and Buffy didn’t offer any.
Willow had yet to answer her calls and Buffy was getting a little frustrated with her, for far too many reasons. The blonde had even gone as far to go the redhead’s home, only to find that she wasn’t there. Her key to the apartment had given her the solid answer because it was empty. After that, Buffy had decided that she would let Willow come to her. She wasn’t sure if her constant badgering was making things worse, so instead of continuing the onslaught, she would back off and see what would happen. Wesley had agreed with this suggestion.
After a few more moments of talking, Wesley agreed to set an appointment with her and rather than having Anya do it, he scribbled the note into his date book a couple of weeks from that point. He had not-so-subtly noted that it would be rather difficult for her to come in when Angel was around, but instead of answering his hint, she had smiled at him and told him she would see him in a few weeks.
Against her better wishes, Buffy had spotted Angel that day, having simply stayed with Wesley for a measly ten minutes because he had an appointment. She wasn’t sure if he had seen her or not because he was walking back to his office, almost as if he were possessed by something that forced him to move around without any life left in his limbs. He barely registered the people speaking to him, only sparking to life when it concerned something that would affect him, such as some papers he had to sign.
He had looked haggard and withdrawn, tired and completely unwilling to live on. Buffy had wondered how much of that had been because of her. She could only imagine the kind of turmoil that he might be in with his fiancee because of what had happened at that stupid party.
A feeling that she hadn’t felt for years came to the surface upon seeing how he was faring and she had almost gone to him and asked him if he was okay. But she hadn’t been sure about the consequences of her actions had she done that and had turned instead, back to the elevator, ignoring the receptionist who looked at her with an eyebrow raised.
Wesley had assured her that Anya had been required to sign some sort of agreement to the practice that didn’t allow her to freely speak about what happened and she saw. This made Buffy feel much better, because she didn’t need the bored blonde running to Xander, who had already created enough waves.
As the movie ended, Buffy felt Riley tug at her gently and she grabbed her purse, slipping it over her shoulder as they exited the theater against the crowd. They chatted amicably about the film, laughing as they remembered some parts. He slipped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close and Buffy snuggled against his broad shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist.
It was comfortable. It was warm. It was she wanted at that moment and it felt good.
***
She wasn’t answering the phone. He knew she was most likely pressing ignore and sending him straight to voice mail rather than letting it ring endlessly as she had done a couple of weeks ago. It was useless, but that didn’t stop him from calling her in the next five minutes. It was all he had been doing during his days at work since he had heard she had gone to the doctor’s office for a checkup... and an ultrasound. Without him.
Instead of making him sad as he was sure it would, it had angered him. They had been together for how long? And they were engaged, weren’t they? And she was keeping him away from his baby like her damned life depended on it!
Thinking rationally, it made sense. He was sure it was some maternal instinct to protect her offspring, or some bullshit, after learning what he had done, but this was ridiculous. It was even bordering on childish the way she wasn’t answering the phone.
If she thought that ignoring him would make him go away, she was sorely mistaken because he would just step it up a notch.
He was even further enraged to find out that Buffy had been in the offices. He didn’t quite understand where his anger came from, but he knew that he had wanted her to at least come down and say something to him, about what had happened and what could happen. He at least owed it to Christina to show that he could be friends with the woman he had forced to get an abortion, because he was certain that was the only thing keeping her away from him.
An hour later, he left his office and went home, much earlier than usual, but he didn’t care. He knew that if he stayed there, he would just sit and keep calling her over and over, letting the work on his desk pile higher and higher.
Letting his briefcase drop to the ground, Angel didn’t look around, moving almost on autopilot. Entering the living room, he didn’t spare a glance to the note that still sat on the counter top, barely crumpled and covered in dust. Instead of dwelling on the fact that he would probably starve to death if he was forced to live in the house by himself, he went upstairs, unbuttoning his shirt as he slipped off his sports jacket in preparation of changing into something more suitable for working out. Frustration was not his friend, he had found out, and punching the convenient punching bag in the basement seemed to give him a temporary reprieve.
Entering the master bedroom, Angel stopped instantly. Something was off. He didn’t bother scanning the room because he knew everything would be just as he had left it. The bed unmade, clothes scattered about. No, this was different. It was as if the room was... emptier somehow. Furrowing his brow, he stepped cautiously about, ready to give his ridiculous thoughts away to his frazzled state until he entered the large walk-in closet that he had shared with Christina. Emphasis on shared. Past tense.
Her entire half was completely bare. Only hangers hung on the metal bar, moving gently to the music of a silent breeze. Something choked in his throat as his hands dropped limply to his sides, forming fists without his acknowledgment.
She was gone. She had come to their house and taken her things without even bothering to tell him. On some sane level, he knew that if she had said anything to him, he would have come back here immediately and headed her off, forcing her to sit down and talk with him. But that hadn’t happened. She had come and left, taking her things and making the house seem even more emptier than it had been. He didn’t care that she had seen the disaster he had let the house become. He didn’t care that she had probably seen the note that he had left sitting on the counter. He only cared that she had been here, and had taken things in preparation for not coming back.
Something exploded in Angel and he turned and slammed his fist into the wall. Anger coursed through his body as he turned, stalking to the bedroom exit, down the stairs and out to his car. God damn her if she thought she would get away with this.
The fact that he wasn’t necessarily thinking straight didn’t enter his mind as he started the engine, barely giving himself time to put the car in reverse before slamming on the gas and backing out of the driveway before slipping it into drive and speeding away to Cordelia’s house, where he knew she would have gone for refuge.
Gone was the Angel that had felt moping was the best course of action. In his place was a man on the brink of falling into an endless abyss, without any hope of getting back up. It felt like everything was slipping through his fingers, as water would cascade down in a waterfall. First Buffy, then Christina. It was all too much and the only way he could answer the onslaught was with anger, which he gladly supplied as he finally reached Cordelia and Doyle’s house. He could see their large SUV sitting in the driveway and a random box or two evident in the window.
“Dammit!” he snapped as he slammed on the brakes, skidding to a stop. He almost pushed the car into park and jumped out but he paused, taking a deep breath, forcing his clenching fingers to let go of the wheel. Christina would not respond to his anger. She never had. She had always kept the calm head in the relationship in the past, so Angel took a deep breath, and then another. Doubtless that the car could be heard inside the way he had been driving but hopefully she would have to come outside and talk to him.
Turning the car off, Angel stepped out of the car, looking down and making sure he was presentable. Hastily re-buttoning his shirt, he straightened his jacket before closing the car door softly and pocketing the car keys. Calm. Cool. Collected. He had to remain this way if he had any hope of winning this battle.
Despite his inner monologue, Angel could still feel his anger thrumming beneath the surface, practically itching to be let free.
Knocking on the front door, Angel waited. A moment passed. He rung the doorbell. As another minute seeped by slowly, Angel was resigned to banging on the door when he heard heavy footsteps. The door opened and he could tell the grin on Doyle’s face was forced.
“Angel, buddy, how are ya?” he asked as he stepped outside, closing the door behind him. Angel narrowed his eyes. “Long time no see, eh?”
“Is she here?” Angel asked quietly, keeping his eyes focused on Doyle’s. He had always felt he’d known when people were lying and he could tell by the way Doyle looked away that he was indeed fabricating a story.
“You wouldn’t happen to be talkin’ ‘bout Christina, would ya, then? ‘Cause she ain’t here, buddy. Sorry. But I’m free, if ya wanna go have a drink or something’...”
“Doyle.” The Irishman stopped at the tone of Angel’s voice. It was low and had something... dark lurking there. It was quite the contrast to the weepy man that had been gallivanting about. “I just need to talk to her.”
Doyle didn’t get a chance to put a word in because the door was suddenly pulled open and Cordelia stood there, in all her glory, her eyes narrowed angrily as she stared Angel down.
“Go away, Angel.”
“Cordelia, I just want to talk to her.”
“She’s not here. Are you too thick to notice that?”
“Bullshit. I can see her shit in your car. Just let me talk to her.”
The couple didn’t budge. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Doyle was looking apologetic, but unwilling to let Angel pass into his home, especially in such a heat as he was in. Cordelia, on the other hand, looked ready to fight Angel back physically if he even thought about entering.
Doyle sighed. “Look, man-“
“Chris!”
Doyle jumped at the sudden outburst and Cordelia simply stepped back and slammed the door shut.
“Christina!”
“Dammit, man, you’re makin’ a fool outta yourself. Stop.”
Doyle’s voice didn’t enter his mind as he stepped back, looking up at the windows. He knew she was here. He just knew it. He also knew that it was most likely completely useless looking up and hoping that she was looking down at him, waiting to be rescued, or some other stupid fairy tale bull.
“Chris!”
That was when he felt Doyle’s hands on his shoulders, pushing him down the driveway, saying something that didn’t compute. His only reaction was to push Doyle back, away from him as practically hissed. Doyle stepped back, holding his hands up as he said, “Just leave, Angel. You’re in no mood to be around anyone right now.”
Narrowing his eyes, Angel stood, staring at Doyle, breathing heavy as if he were ready to jump into a fight before turning to his car.
He was gone before Doyle could turn and walk back into the house where Cordelia sat with Christina, whose hands rested on her bulging stomach.
***
An hour after she had left for work, Buffy made her way to Wesley’s office. It was a bit later than their appointment had called for, but after talking to him earlier, she had discerned that Angel had left for the day and she was free to come at any time she wished because he had no other people to see for the rest of the afternoon. Entering the building as the sun quickly descended behind the city, a golden disk slipping between the ocean and the buildings around her, she made her way up to his floor.
Most of the offices had been abandoned for the day and Buffy could see a spotlight of light creeping out from underneath Wesley’s doorway. Smiling slightly, she ignored the urge to look towards Angel’s office as she entered.
It wasn’t a mere hour later that she finally left, with Wesley in tow. She felt... lighter than she had in a long while and Wesley had told her that it was a strong possibility that she was moving on, accepting things as she should have many years ago. Buffy had simply smiled. It felt like she was moving on, but the nagging thoughts at the back of her mind gave her a different course of thought. She may be acting like she was moving on, but there was definitely still something there, something that needed to be dealt with, but Buffy didn’t bring it up. Rather, they talked about Riley and how her relationship with him was going. And where it was heading.
She divulged that she hadn’t slept with him yet. Wesley had questioned her as to why. But Buffy didn’t really know the answer. She wasn’t quite sure. Every time they had simply laid down together, Buffy had found a reason to either get up or she would turn the TV on, effectively ruining the mood. Wesley questioned her about whether it had anything to do with Angel and what had happened at the party, about whether it brought up old feelings of resentment towards sex and the possibility of getting pregnant. Buffy hadn’t answered directly, instead switching the conversation over to Willow. Wesley had gone along, but she could tell by his eyes that he knew she was holding back.
They had set another appointment for a couple of weeks later. Wesley told her that, because she wasn’t exactly a normal patient, that this was more of a friendly thing to do. He refused the money she offered, instead giving her hug and telling her firmly that they would meet in a few weeks.
“I have to go to the bathroom, first, Wesley, so I’ll just see you later.”
Wesley frowned slightly. “Shall I wait for you?”
“No, it’s okay. You go on ahead. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Hugging her once more, Wesley smiled and nodded, agreeing with her as he walked to the elevator while Buffy turned to the ladies room that was tucked on the opposite side, away from the numerous offices. A few minutes later, she exited, running her hands down her pants, as though she were drying them, despite the fact that she had just spent an extra moment making sure they were dry before applying the lotion the office so gaily offered.
The entire floor was dark save for the large EXIT signs that gave the room an almost sickening glow. Moving to the elevators, Buffy couldn’t help looking over her shoulder, scanning the offices as she pushed the button to go back down. Her hand paused mid-air as she saw that there was still someone left.
A very soft light came from underneath Angel’s door, as if there were a few candles lit within and nothing else. As the elevator dinged, signaling its arrival, Buffy didn’t move to enter, instead pausing, contemplating what she should do. It was very unlikely that he was actually there doing work, or at least she assumed so at the late hour. Plus, the light was so damn soft that it would be tough to see anything, much less a pile of papers that required reading.
Before she knew what it was that she was doing, Buffy was walking towards the office, her hand gripping her purse strap strongly as she stopped before it. She didn’t hear anything coming from inside the office and she brought her hand up to knock gently.
“Angel?” she called, her voice so soft that she was surprised it echoed slightly in the large room.
Nothing. Slipping her hand to the doorknob, she turned it, half-expecting it to be locked securely. Instead, it opened easily and Buffy slowly pushed it open, the light from within casting a deep glow on her features, creating shadows and grooves that weren’t normally there in brighter light.
“Angel?”
“What are you doing here?”
Buffy jumped, her hand flying to her chest as Angel turned around in his chair. A guilty grin flew to her lips and she cocked her head in a manner asking for forgiveness.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here so late.” She didn’t make any move to leave as he continued to look at her. Buffy returned the gaze, though not directly. Instead, she allowed her eyes to filter down his body, taking in his appearance. He was sitting up straight, holding himself... oddly. As if he were ready to jump up and punch something. She wondered if she should leave after all. But she didn’t.
Silence held the air, giving it a heavy feeling. After a while, he finally said, “You can come in, if you want.”
Buffy smiled again, not giving them either a chance to comprehend it as she stepped in, closing the door behind her.
“How are you?”
Buffy turned around her, letting her hands flutter through the air as she answered,” I’m fine. Same old, same... stuff, I guess. How... how are you?”
There was something in this room that was making her entirely too uncomfortable, yet she didn’t want to leave. She wasn’t quite sure what it was, but she had a desire to find it out. Something was different about him. He was... looking at her strangely, and his face was blank like a sheet of paper yet to be used. It was unnerving and Buffy avoided his eyes as she took one of the seats before his desk.
“Fine,” he said, his voice betraying nothing.
Buffy nodded, smiling uncomfortably before looking around, her eyes roving around the room, her definite excuse to avoid looking at him. He had changed since she had seen him last. He wasn’t the broken man she had seen shuffling through the halls. Now, he was someone to be... feared, if one wanted to look at it that way. Buffy could literally feel something building in him, something practically dying to be let out. She wondered how she must have looked in his eyes.
“I... love what you’ve done with your office... It fits you.” It was a stupid comment and Buffy felt like slapping her forehead the minute it left her mouth. She knew nothing about him now, she only knew the person he had been when they had been... well, whatever it was that they had been. She had no idea if this was actually the kind of man that he really was.
“So you’re seeing Wesley again?” he responded, casually. She could feel his eyes burning into her as he avoided her easy question and shot right for the hard stuff.
Buffy looked at him, startled. “Uh... yeah. Just for little things. Like... stuff. I’m only here every couple of weeks... How did you know?”
He smiled. “Everything comes through me, Buffy.”
“Oh,” Buffy said, looking down at her hands. So he had known that she had been there that day. She wondered why it had such a strong affect on her.
A moment of silence passed and Buffy didn’t meet his eyes again. Her mind was awhirl with things that she suddenly wanted to tell him, things that came up when she spoke to Wesley and things that she often thought about. As they continued to sit there, neither of them saying anything, Buffy finally pulled enough courage to look up, open her mouth and speak.
“Angel, I’ve been thinking. A lot.” Angel listened and this time, Buffy didn’t look away from him. “About you. And Wesley, or at least what we’ve been talking about. I... I have to say some stuff here. With you before I... go insane. I have to get over you. I can’t keep... feeling these things for you after all of these years and expect to be fine with it.” She ignored her bluntness and the urge to somehow sugarcoat what she way saying as she continued.
Angel sat still, his posture stiff, his chin resting on the tips of his fingers where they were clasped together. His face was blank as he listened to her from where she sat across from him, his large desk the only thing standing between them. He could see her straight back, her intertwined hands where they rested in her lap and her face. She was determined. She didn’t look sorry or unhappy. She was determined.
As she continued, telling him about her conversations with Wesley and how, now that they were going over them a second time, she was beginning to understand new things, he barely listened. He barely listened to her as she explained that there was someone new in her life - this oddly didn’t have the affect on him he was sure it would have - and how things were... different. He could hardly hear her voice enough to hear what it was she was saying. He didn’t care, or at least not in that moment. He was in a whirlwind of... emotion, was the only word that seemed to fit. He was losing her. On top of losing Christina. And their baby. It was almost too much for him to not get up and scream at her.
It had seemed over the years that he had always had her, somehow, close to him and still in his heart, despite his constant denial. It was something that hadn’t gone away. He knew that she hadn’t lost him inside her as well, and he was sure that that was what lead to many of the decisions in his life. But things were changing and he knew he didn’t want them to. He just couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and so desperately wanting her to go on with her life, with him inside her and never leaving.
He soon began to realize that he didn’t want her to leave, officially get over him and never think of him again. All of these years of wishing he had changed things and wishing that she would forget him seemed useless compared to the realization that struck him in that moment. He didn’t want her to leave, having said her goodbye.
There was never a goodbye, and this he was sure of. The Christina situation was enough evidence of that.
Buffy knew that she was looking at him, but she didn’t really see him. She avoided his eyes as if they were the Black Plague, instead concentrating on anything else, anything that would help her along her path to finally be free of him. But how could she be free if she could barely bring herself to look into his eyes? Why was it taking so much effort to simply tell him what it was she needed to say and why it was she saying these things? She knew she needed to let him go and get on with her life, but a feeling deep down in her stomach tugged at her, something she hadn’t let herself feel for a long time, and she knew that she would never get over him. He would always stay with her, no matter what. But another tug, in her mind, told her that he needed to hear these things. It would give her a sort of freedom from him that she had never had before, and it would be better than the prison she had constantly occupied for the last nine years.
“I won’t come here again. I guess I just don’t need it,” Buffy concluded. That was an outright lie, but it seemed to fit her speech perfectly. She wasn’t sure what had exactly come out of her mouth, but she knew that she had covered her bases. She was over him. She didn’t need him. She was moving on. Something in her clicked and she bowed her head, looking to her hands. She would break down at home. She was over him now. He wasn’t going to see her cry. He wasn’t supposed to see her cry.
Looking up once more, Buffy finally let her eyes focus. He was still. He hadn’t moved an inch since she had sat down and his face was just as hard. She swallowed, forcing her features to keep their look of determination as she stood.
A pregnant pause captured them as they stared at each other, their eyes meeting and Buffy felt a sickening finality to the moment, the blissful ignorance earlier seeming trivial to what was happening now. This was it. She was doing it.
“Goodbye, Angel,” she said, her voice soft. Then she turned.
His office was large and his office doors were farther away than she had remembered them, but she continued. As she got closer, her hands clasped in tiny fists to keep herself from doing anything that would surely reveal her true feelings, she didn’t pause as the sound of his chair hitting the back wall echoed in the office. She didn’t dare look back, nor stop as she finally reached the door.
Her hand was on the cold metal of the doorknob when he grabbed her elbow, throwing her around carelessly. His movements were sure and powerful as he effortlessly circled his hands about her waist and lifted her, slamming her, hard, into the strong wooden door behind her.
Her head hit the door, her back immediately responding to the rough handling in a cry of pain, but he didn’t pay any heed to it. His lips were on hers, pushing roughly into her mouth and demanding her response. Fear came to life in her chest, mixed without something else, as he held her tightly, instinct telling her to bite down.
He merely growled in turn, and Buffy felt him grabs her legs and pulled them up, forcing them high on his waist. She felt as if she should have succumbed to his actions, give into him and return them just as passionately, if that was what one could call it. But she didn’t. He was hurting her, and something inside her responded in kind. She wasn’t going to give in. She couldn’t. It was in that moment that her speech suddenly had a new meaning to her, the sort of meaning she had hoped to instill in Angel. She was over him, she didn’t need to give him gentle kisses or caresses. He didn’t deserve them.
She could feel the shiver go through his body as she wrapped her arms around his neck, her nails digging into the sinewy muscle of his neck. As she scratched her nails down his skin, beneath his shirt, so hard that blood was brought to the surface, he thrust up against her, his hard member poking at her insistently as he pushed her into the door once more, causing it to rattle. Desire and a need so deep that is almost scared her grabbed hold of her thoughts and she surrendered to them, to the instinct of responding to what he was offering her.
She thrashed against him in his arms, but he didn’t let her go. She was fighting him, and he knew that this was their form of argument. Gone were the fluffy feelings of whatever they had between them the last decade. In their place was a need to be dominated, and a need to dominate. It was almost unfortunate that they had to come face to face when Angel was at his lowest and Buffy on her way to new happiness, because as they continued to kiss, literally biting at each other, something seemed to understand each other in each of them... something on the brink of hatred for their lives and what they had become... with and without each other.
Buffy’s senses flew into overdrive as he hit her against the door once more, their tongues dueling wildly in their mouths. His hands were rough where they pulled at her jeans, and she swore that he would have torn them had he given himself the chance. But he didn’t, instead pulling her against him and turning towards the hard couch that served more for decoration than comfort.
He practically fell on her, their lips never leaving each other. Buffy fought desperately to find a medium between pushing him off and giving in, instead settling on slamming her fists into his shoulders and digging her nails into his skin. She wanted him to feel pain, the sort of pain that he had so kindly delivered to her for so long. She didn’t pause to wonder if there was something terribly wrong with this situation, that she should truly try to fight him off and get free of his office. Instead, she gave into something deeper, and let go.
A shocked cry fell from her lips as he pulled away from her, his fingers snapping the button to her jeans off when he violently tugged them open, the zipper opening without complaint. He tore them from her body, her heeled sandals slipping off, and it hurt, but Buffy didn’t give any thought to it. Her panties were next and Buffy felt herself sitting up, almost as if she were about to get up and run away. She wasn’t sure if it was an act or if she was in actuality wanting to get away, but neither mattered as he blanketed her once more, pushing her back, his teeth finding her bottom lip and biting it before kissing her.
She had never seen Angel act this way and she wasn’t sure if she loved it or hated it with everything inside her. She knew that a part of her didn’t want this, but a darker part deep within her desired this so strongly that she couldn’t control herself. She wanted to be hurt, just as badly as she wanted to hurt him. Pain was the main motivation to this tryst and neither of them could deny it.
She distinctly heard his own zipper, but it happened so fast she didn’t respond and before she knew what was happening, her nails digging into his back, through his thin shirt, he thrust into her. It had been so long since anyone had entered her, and the force of his thick member, already large and pulsating with need, pushing into her with a primal demand made tears form in her eyes.
But along with the pain was a deep pleasure, something one could only feel when they were getting what they had long wished for, but had never given voice to. Her deeper desires were being sated and she felt something let go in her.
As her hands continued their assault on him, her legs wrapped tightly around his hips, aiding her in her returned thrusts as he pushed into her, hard. She could feel his pelvis smacking into hers and she knew she would be bruised. But she didn’t care.
Angel felt like he was watching the scene from the other side of the room. He wasn’t in his body, but he was at the same time because he could feel the sickening joy at the thought of taking her in such a way. He had never done this to a woman, had never dwelled on the idea that he wanted to, but Buffy had brought it to the surface, her speech of moving on and letting him go sparking it within him, the final straw in a series of events. He couldn’t let her go, and on some level, he knew that she was lying through her teeth where her speech was concerned, but none of that mattered. All of the years of pain and pent up emotion were coming free, and they were both experiencing something they didn’t know they had within them, but knew that they could only experience with each other.
Their kisses had broken long ago and she could feel his mouth on her, his teeth scratching the skin of her neck as she moved her hands to his chest, her nails squeezing the hard muscle there. Something a kin to a moan fell from his lips and she felt a shock travel down her spine at an alarming speed as he pushed his hand up her shirt, pulling her bra away from her breast painfully before cupping her, tweaking her nipple roughly. The sensation went directly to her core and she could feel her crisis building within her, growing with power as he continued to thrust into her, not thinking of her delicate form and what his body could be doing to hers.
Buffy wasn’t sure when it happened, but his movements became wilder, yet still had a sense of control over them before he shouted in pleasure, his back cording as his sperm shot free, coating her inner walls. With one last painful squeeze of her nipple, his large hands seeming to get tighter as he climaxed, she came, her mouth opening in a silent scream as her nails dug into his scalp where her hands rested on his head.
For a moment they were both caught up in a surge of pleasure, something powerful, something they hadn’t felt for each other or with each other before they collapsed. Angel’s heavy bulk pressed her into the hard material of the couch, but she didn’t think of it. His hot breath panted against her shoulder and she closed her eyes as her body went limp.
Angel immediately rolled off of her, laying on his back and closing his eyes as he felt a deep sense of... something settle in his chest. Something had changed between them.
Buffy’s eyes were dry as she sat up, immediate pain lancing through her body as she stood, grabbing her pants and tugging them on. Should she cry? She wasn’t sure about what should happen, only that she had to get out of there, away from him to somewhere she could be alone.
What had happened... it was too powerful for her to simply turn to him and talk right away. She needed to be by herself... needed to leave and get away from him before something else happened.
Angel didn’t move as she left the office, closing the door behind her quietly. He didn’t move for a long while.
***
Buffy entered her apartment slowly, almost as if someone was living there with her and she had to be quiet. But no human being was. Only the mixed emotions that seemed to take life within her. Sighing, she immediately headed for the bathroom, shedding her clothes along the way. She switched on the shower, knowing that if she climbed in and cleaned herself of their actions, of his smell and seed, then things would be okay and she would be calm and rational about what had happened.
It took her a full five minutes of standing before the shower, the curtain thrown open and a light mist hitting her naked body before she sunk to the floor, her heavy chest anchoring her to the cool tile as she stared at the water slowly leaking down the drain.
***
It was five days before she saw him again. She didn’t dare enter that building because she knew she would head directly to his office. She needed him, on such a primal level that it shocked her. Need. It was such a strong word. Something she thought was used far too much for stupid things, such as a fast car or a hug... but this was different. While those things were often wanted, she needed to have him touch her again... Take her in such a way that would ensure that she was his for that moment in time... That nothing had changed over the years except their outlooks on life and relationships. They hadn’t changed for each other, that night being enough evidence. She had yet to sit calmly and think about what had happened. The morning after that night she went to work, and then the next day. Everything was normal except for that little chamber within her body that screamed at her to go back to him. But she held out...
It was a full five days before she found herself before the large building where Angel worked and she looked up. She couldn’t see any lights, and she wasn’t shocked. It was ten in the evening and she knew that if he was there, that she would give herself to him, and if he wasn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.
Five minutes later, she sat on his desk, his hips between her legs as he fucked her on his hard desk.
“How’s work?”
“Good. Nothing new to really report. Not since we last talked.”
“Any new cases?”
“Blissfully silent, actually. Which is nice, because it gives me a little downtime.”
Joyce shot her daughter a small smile as she studied the lively blonde. Something was different. She seemed so much... happier than the last time she had been over for one of their bi-weekly dinners. There was a definite sparkle in her eyes that had been absent for years, a sight she hadn’t seen since Buffy was in high school.
“And how is Riley?” the older Summers’ woman asked, a knowing smirk on her face as she looked down to butter another piece of bread. “Have you two been spending a lot of time together?”
Buffy paused before letting a smile light up her face. “He’s good. And yes... and no. He’s been working a lot for the last couple of weeks, so we haven’t been able to get a good date night in... but we do see each other a lot.”
“That’s nice,” Joyce replied, taking a moment to take a bite from her bread before continuing, “And when will I get to meet this young man?”
“Mom, we haven’t been seeing each other that long!”
“Well, if he’s making my daughter so happy, I think I’d like to get to know him, too.”
Buffy stared at her mother longer than she had intended before looking down at her plate. She didn’t know exactly how to take what Joyce had said considering she really hadn’t been spending very much time with Riley. He had been busy with work for quite some time and the only times that they saw each other was in the hall of their apartment building, stealing a few quick kisses here and there before continuing on their separate ways. He never went into too much detail about his work, but he continually promised that he would have a lot of free time coming up for just ‘the two of us’.
And while she did miss the togetherness of their relationship, the nights where they would just sit in front of the television and kiss well into the morning or have a late breakfast... she wasn’t exactly complaining at the moment. Hadn’t been, in fact, for the last couple of weeks that Riley had been working. She had been... otherwise preoccupied.
A blush colored her cheeks as she remembered what she had been doing earlier that day as she pushed the food around on her plate.
Joyce, who had been studying the array of emotions dancing across the blonde’s face, merely smiled in understanding. She remembered what it was like to be in love, the carefree sense that it gave you. The desire to be with that person as much as you could, never tiring of them. She could see it in Buffy’s eyes, her feelings. No one could ever say she didn’t know her daughter.
“Maybe next time, Mom. I’ll ask him.”
“Good then. Let me know so I can make something more exciting than baked chicken.”
***
As Buffy gently replaced the phone receiver into its place, a dark brunette popped her head through her office door.
“Somebody’s in love,” she sang. A large grin decorated her bronzed face as she produced a large bouquet of flowers, ranging from deep red roses to bright lilies. A smile instantly jumped to Buffy’s face.
“Who is he?” she asked as she stood, assuming Julia had come in to show off the flowers that yet another floozy had left for her. They appeared every couple of weeks and then went the next couple, and Julia seemed to love the lifestyle she lead. Being a couple of years younger than Buffy herself obviously added into the equation as going out almost every night and dancing and getting trashed hadn’t been the blonde’s way for longer than she could remember back.
“Not me, Buffy, you!”
Buffy paused. “Me?”
“Yeah! Aren’t they beautiful! Who are they from? Read the card!”
Buffy furrowed her brows as a dark face instantly popped into her head. He wouldn’t... Catching a scent from one of the large roses that seemed to want to dive right for her face, she found the card buried deep in the stems. It was a thin, white card with a ‘For You’ scripted in flowing cursive on the front of it. Fingering it gently, she opened it, quickly scanning before smiling.
“They’re from Riley,” she said absently.
Buffy,
I
figured you could use a little bright spot in your office.
I hope you like them. I’ve been thinking about you all day.
Meet for lunch in the usual spot? I’ll bring the food.
Love,
Riley
Buffy stared at his gentle font. He had such clean handwriting, compared to most males, but the only word she could focus on was the word ‘love’.
Love had never come into their relationship, not yet at least. She knew she had strong feelings for Riley, but she hadn’t really thought about where they would be leading her. Love was such a strong word, such a heavy word that held so many different meanings. Her first reaction would usually be to immediately turn away, push Riley away. She had been in love once and it had lead her into the very definition of emotional hell... but it didn’t even occur to her. Rather, she felt a heated warmth develop in the pit of her stomach as she continued to stare at his short note, re-reading it silently to herself, always pausing on the second to the last word he wrote.
“What does it say, Buffy?” Julia asked and Buffy started, forgetting momentarily that the brunette had been standing next to her for quite some time. She grinned as she recited what he wrote.
“Oh, that’s so sweet! Call him right now and tell him yes, yes, yes to lunch,” Julia said loudly, her excitement a deep contrast to Buffy’s deeper thoughts as she set the flowers down on one of the glass side tables next to the large window. Fluffing them up appropriately, she missed the somber look on Buffy’s face as she turned to exit. “You have to tell me everything that happens...”
Her voice disappeared slowly as Buffy returned to her desk, setting the simple not down before her as she lifted the phone once again.
Dialing the number she had long ago memorized, she waited for Riley to pick up the phone as she fingered the note, slipping it between her fingers gently as his deep voice answered.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Hey,” he replied, his voice getting husky. She could practically see the grin on his face as he greeted her. It was the same whenever he saw her. A large grin that seemed to make his face glow, making him even more handsome than he already was.
“I got your flowers,” Buffy said, a small smile on her face as she continued to stare at the card, her eyes never leaving his signature. “They’re beautiful, Riley, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. It’s my way of saying sorry that we haven’t been able to get together for such a long time. Walsh has got me working on this theory that she has non-stop...”
“Don’t worry about it. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I understand completely.”
“I know you do. I still feel bad, though.”
Buffy chuckled, giving in. “Well there are many ways to make it up, you know.”
Riley laughed. “Trust me, I’ve thought about them all.”
Buffy closed her eyes as she leaned back. “I bet you have,” she said, her tone teasing.
A chuckle filtered back through the phone line again. “So are we on for lunch?”
Buffy’s eyes instantly snapped open as she sat straightened her chair up again. She dropped the note in her hand as she began tapping her manicured nails. “That was part of the reason I called actually. I have a... a business meeting that I have to go to. Some mandatory stuff that I can’t skip out on. As much as I want to,” she said, her eyes focused on the flowers glowing in the sun across her office.
“That’s alright.”
“But I was thinking that we could have dinner tonight, if you’re available.”
“That sounds good. What time do you get off work?”
“I’m planning six at the latest. Very latest. Do you just want to meet at my place around seven thirty? I’ll have something nice cooked up...”
“No, just come over to my place when you get off.”
“Riley, no. I want to cook-“
“Buffy, just come over. Do you remember the conversation we just had about my making it up to you?”
“I was kidding!”
“So I’ll see you a little after six?”
“Riley...”
“Six sounds good.”
“Well, what do you have in mind?”
“You’ll just have to see, won’t you?” he responded, the smile on his face obvious.
Buffy smirked. “Should I wear something special to thank you?”
Riley’s low chuckle echoed through the phone. “Maybe...”
“Alright,” Buffy said as she glanced at the clock. “I have to go. I’ll see you tonight?”
“Okay.”
Buffy hung up the phone after a few more minutes of sweet talk. Replacing the phone, she quickly shut down her computer before rearranging her desk and the many notebooks that seemed to litter it. Putting them in their respective piles so she could look at them later when she got back, she stood, grabbing her purse and her keys from the lower drawer of her desk before leaving the office.
“Buffy!”
Buffy looked over her shoulder as she rounded a corner and saw the lanky form of Michael approaching her. “I have a few files that you need to check out before we get them ready.”
“Set them on my desk. I’ll get to them later.”
“He wants them now...”
“Michael, when have I ever done something that he needs immediately?” she asked, humor lacing her tone as she continued to walk, Michael staying a few steps behind her. “Just put them on my desk and he’ll have them before I leave tonight.”
“Buffy.”
“Michael,” she replied, her tone mocking his. He sighed.
“Alright.”
“Julia!” Buffy called as she approached the brunette’s desk. “Call me on my cell if I get any calls that are more than urgent.” She turned to keep walking before turning back around. “Seriously urgent. As in life or death.”
Julia smirked. “Sexy date, eh?”
Buffy smiled as she turned to leave.
***
He was already waiting for her when she got to the restaurant he had given her instructions to on the phone earlier.
Giving his name, she let the host lead her through the restaurant to the very back where they reserved the more intimate tables. She saw him immediately, cooly sipping from a glass of some white wine. He was dressed impeccable, as always, in a full suit. His hair was purposefully messy, while at the same time containing a certain straightness that seemed to make him all the more professional. She didn’t smile as the host held her chair for her before handing her another menu.
“I’ll have whatever he’s having,” Buffy said in a low voice, her eyes never leaving his.
“One moment please,” the host said before disappearing to relay the message.
A silent moment passed.
“How are you?” she asked, looking down at the menu before her, knowing that she wasn’t really hungry. Or thirsty for that matter.
“Fine. You?”
“Good.”
A minute later, her drink was before her and she took a small sip. It was good. Meeting his eyes over the rim of the wine glass, she watched as he stared at her throat as she swallowed the contents in her mouth. She warmed instantly as a hot blush crept up her face. He smiled.
“So what’s good here?” Buffy asked, her voice husky as she watched him shift in his seat.
He scanned the menu quickly. “I’m not sure. I’ve never actually eaten here.”
Buffy nodded. A bubbly redhead came up to their table, asking if they were ready to order. He ordered the soup of the day and Buffy ordered a simple Caesar salad.
It didn’t take more than a few seconds when the waitress left for Buffy to feel his hand on her thigh. She felt her skin tingle instantly and she looked up to meet his eyes. They were dark with desire as she leaned into his touch, opening her mouth slightly in a small pant as his hand inched closer to where she had her legs crossed.
“Angel,” she breathed and before she knew what was happening, he grabbed her hand, threw a couple bills on the table as they quickly left the restaurant.
All the waitress was left with when she returned was two cold seats and one fifty dollar bill and one twenty. She lifted her eyebrows, but didn’t complain as she scooped up the money and returned the food.
***
The sensations running through her were intense as his hands roamed all over her body. She didn’t exactly remember when she had lost her skirt, but she knew it was gone considering she was straddling his lap in the back of his Mercedes in the underground garage that sat next to the restaurant underneath a chic bookstore. It was dark save for a few flourescent lights in the distance, but she didn’t care. Nor did he. They already knew what they had before them. Rather, they just wanted to feel.
Pushing her hands underneath his jacket, she pushed it halfway down his arms. Neither cared about appearances. They didn’t care if people assumed that they had just got done fucking in the back of a surprisingly spacious car when they got back to work. All they wanted was each other and their clothes were very much so in the way.
Moaning in his mouth as he cupped her lace-covered ass, pushing her roughly into his strong erection, she quickly worked on the buttons of his shirt, fighting the urge to simply rip it open. She wanted his skin. She needed to feel him against hers. Rubbing her crotch against his unconsciously, she managed to undo the top two buttons of his dress shirt before slipping one hand in and immediately scraping her nails against his skin. He groaned against her lips and she desperately fought with the rest of them as she broke from his lips, a choked cry escaped her throat as she rubbed her clit vigorously against his hard manhood, the pleasure from it seeping into her body with alarming power.
It just felt so good. So damn good.
When she finally managed to push his shirt out of the way, he undid the large button of the jacket she was wearing and slipped it off, her hands temporarily leaving his before slipping back to their spots on his chest, then his neck, then the zipper to his pants. She simply couldn’t get enough as her hips worked on their own accord against his.
His nimble fingers had her shirt unbuttoned and her bra undone and she gasped loudly as her warm breasts pressed against his hot chest. Her nipples hardened at the mixture between the cool air of the underground garage and his heat, but she didn’t pay any attention to it as her fingers struggled to unzip his pants while keeping her hips moving at the same time. He groaned in her mouth as her nails scraped against his hard erection continually before she ripped her lips from his and pushed herself back.
Looking down at his lap for a split second, she expertly undid his pants before slinging her fingers underneath the band and pulling them down, his hips lifting to aid her. She bit her lip as his erection popped out, standing tall against his stomach and she immediately wrapped her hand around it and began pumping quickly. Angel whispered her name, so soft that she didn’t think she heard anything as he gripped her shoulders and pulled her towards him, their mouths clashing violently as he shoved his tongue against hers and they started a vicious duel.
It didn’t take more than a minute for his hands to find her hips and pull her closer before one hand slipped between them and pushed her underwear away. She lifted herself and, keeping her hand against his silky skin, slipped him into her.
A sigh escaped them both as she sank onto him, her heat engulfing him completely and pleasure spreading like wildfire through them both. Buffy closed her eyes as she pulled away from his mouth. A cry fell from her throat as she lifted her hips and slammed back down, their skin smacking roughly. Neither noticed as he lifted to meet hers, their lips meeting randomly for a wet kiss before pulling away to pant.
The air was heavy with their passion as they continued to fuck against the back seat. The car rocked slightly as the time passed, and their hips begin to move that little bit faster. Buffy could feel her crisis approaching slowly and she savored the moments in between. His hard cock rubbing against her clit ever so softly was enough to drive her into a frenzy and she loved it. She loved the feeling of not being in control, of his power over her and vice versa.
Buffy dug her nails into his shoulders as her other hand found the back of his head and scraped his scalp before gripping his hair. He didn’t make a sound to alert her that what she was doing hurt, and so she pulled harder.
A sharp spike of pleasure shot through her as his fingers suddenly found her engorged clit and she gasped against his neck, her teeth scraping his neck roughly as he rubbed harder. Her hips lost all rhythm as he forced her into her orgasm, her cries becoming louder and louder as she chanted for him to not stop, to continue, to always continue. His name never escaped her lips between her breathy cries as she threw her head back and cried out, her climax hitting her with a red-hot fire. She cried out almost in pain as he continued his assault and she came again, her mouth hanging open in compliance to the power of it. A mere second of bliss hit her before she felt him gather her against his chest and suddenly twist them around.
She felt the sticky leather of the backseat against her back as he slammed into her, harder than before, and she gritted her teeth as she lifted her legs higher. He gave his silent agreement as he braced himself with one hand against the seat and the other slipped up her thigh to the nook behind her knee and pushed it higher, enjoying her flexible body as she opened further for his cock to sink in, deeper and deeper.
Buffy felt another orgasm coming and before she could comprehend it, she was falling over yet another precipice as Angel helplessly groaned loudly before pulling out of her and shooting his cum all over her chest. His hand almost immediately found his hard length and he stroked it for a few moments longer as he rode out his orgasm, small gasps falling from his lips before he let himself collapse against the locked door, his head finding her shoulder as they both panted heavily from their exertions.
Buffy could feel his hot seed oozing slowly down her chest, her breasts tingling from the sensation of it cradling her. She closed her eyes and sighed loudly as she realized that she would soon have to leave this little paradise and return to reality. A place she desperately never wanted to return to.
Neither took notice to the amount of time that passed before Buffy opened her eyes and looked around, noticing the steamed windows and the heavy bulk of her lover laying against her. She didn’t dwell on the fact that this was probably one of the most intimate moments she’s ever had the pleasure of experiencing before, a man’s seed drying slowly on her naked body as they laid together, tangled. She knew she couldn’t think on it because this was not the man she could be intimate with. This was not the man she could marry and do this freely with. They had to be sneaky. That was as far as their intimacy went.
A few moments passed before she sat up and quietly asked if he had anything she could clean herself with. He sat up and nodded, telling her to wait a moment as he zipped himself swiftly before unlocking the door and opening it, looking to see if anyone was present to witness their spectacle.
He gracefully climbed out of the car and popping the trunk, he reached inside for a duffle bag before pulling out a ragged white wife beater and a towel. Slamming it closed, he threw her the towel as he quickly cleaned himself up with the shirt. He adjusted his clothes swiftly as she did the same, making sure to erase the presence of their sexual acts completely before closing her bra and shirt and reaching for her jacket. She found her skirt in the front seat, barely wrinkled and she easily slipped it on as she stepped out of the car before walking around to the passenger side.
Angel leaned into the back of the car and wiped down the backseat of their mingled sweat, making sure with a quick scan that there wasn’t anything left of their meeting before closing it up and stuffing the soiled items back into his trunk to be washed later.
Buffy was already waiting in the front seat when he climbed behind the wheel and she didn’t look at him as he rolled down the windows and started the car before easily maneuvering the vehicle out of the garage and towards the parking lot where she had parked.
Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion as Buffy moved to grab her purse. She instinctively looked to him without even thinking and their gazes met heatedly before they broke apart, a shiver running down her spine as she slipped out of the car and closed the door soundly.
He didn’t wait to see if she made it to her car before he pulled out of the parking lot, turning back towards his building.
The minute she reached her office, she immediately went into the bathroom that was downstairs, a few floors below her own, and splashed water on her face before carefully re-applying her makeup and examining her clothes gently to make sure no evidence was left of what she had been doing a mere twenty minutes earlier. A few moments passed before she felt she was ready to face the choir and she forced a smile on her face as the elevator rose up. She knew Julia would be waiting with questions and she quickly wove a tale in her head about the fantastic lunch she had with her boyfriend.
***
Buffy jammed her key into her lock and twisted it quickly as she ran into her apartment, throwing her purse on the side table as she hurried into her bedroom, quickly discarding the clothes she had worn to work. Throwing them into her overflowing laundry basket to be dry cleaned later, she removed her underwear and tossed them into the corner of her closet to be washed later as she ran naked to her shower where she turned it on full blast.
Scrubbing her body quickly, she didn’t leave any spot uncleaned as she washed her hair and breasts and the wiry curls above her sex. She was almost moving on autopilot as she slipped out of the shower, dripping wet and drying as fast as she could as she glanced at the clock. She was running late. She had to stay a little longer at the office to make sure she got those papers to her boss before she could leave and that left her absolutely no time whatsoever to get ready for her little date with Riley.
Brushing her teeth carefully, she blew dry her hair quickly. Spitting out the last of the toothpaste, she expertly grabbed her makeup bag and applied a thin layer of makeup as she contemplated what to do with her hair. Finishing the eyeliner, she finished drying her hair before heading to her bedroom once again, throwing her towel against her closet door where it hung to dry. Scanning her closet, it didn’t take her more than a minute to decide what to wear and as she wriggled into it, she decided to simply pull her hair up into a simple, messy clip. Sexy, yet comfortable at the same time.
Ten minutes later, Buffy walked out into her living room, fresh and ready to leave when she noticed her machine blinking at her, indicating that there were two messages waiting for her. Pressing the play button, she listened to her own voice play as she moved towards the door to grab her purse where her favorite lipstick was waiting. The first voice to greet her was from her bank, offering up their new packages and telling her how she could upgrade to a new savings account option. Rolling her eyes as she rolled her lipstick on her lips, she didn’t bother to move to delete it, knowing she would do it later.
As she rested her hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, she paused as Wesley’s voice filtered through her machine.
“Hello, Buffy. It’s Wesley. Just calling to say hello. We haven’t talked in quite some time. I hope you are doing well and I was hoping to hear from you soon. I would love to get together again sometime. Goodbye.”
Buffy smiled at his attempt to be informal. He had been her doctor for quite some time and since their last real appointment, since they had become friends, she could tell that he was having a hard time finding a middle ground in which they could be comfortable around each other. He was still her only true confidante, and she knew that she loved having him around, informal or not.
Making a mental note to call him later, she dropped her lipstick into her purse and opened the door, grabbing her keys and locking the door behind her as she left.
***
Riley grinned at the sight waiting for him behind the door and he appreciatively allowed his eyes to roam over her attire.
“Wow, Buffy. You look gorgeous.”
Buffy grinned, noting his casual jeans and dress shirt, the few buttons at the top opened to expose his well defined chest. “You don’t look half bad yourself, mister.”
The outfit she had chosen was simple, but sexy. It was a long, silk black skirt and a strapless black top that cradled her breasts perfectly and accented her tanned skin wonderfully. She had chosen to wear slightly heeled sandals with straps winding up her ankles to complete the outfit, and leaving her neck bare and letting her hair fall down in random ringlets.
Pulling her into his arms, Riley gave her a gentle kiss, his lips lingering longer than a welcoming kiss would have asked for, but Buffy didn’t argue as she wound her arms around his broad shoulders and returned it eagerly. His lips were soft and warm, completely comfortable and wonderful against hers. Pulling back, she smiled as she kept her eyes closed. He pressed his forehead to hers as he closed the door behind her before placing a kiss against her nose.
Buffy inhaled deeply as he gripped her hand and guided her into the apartment she had seldom entered. “Something smells good.”
“I hope so,” was all he said in reply as he guided her into the kitchen, where he was just now putting the finishing touches on their meal. “You have perfect timing. Everything is ready to go.”
Buffy grinned. “I had no idea you could cook,” she said with glee as she squeezed his hand. He laughed.
“I happen to be an amazing cook. My mom taught me,” he said sheepishly. “Not much to do as a young kid in the middle of Iowa.”
Buffy giggled. “Well, remind me to thank her in the future.”
A warm glow lit up his face as he looked back at her. “I’ll do that.”
As Buffy realized what she said, she returned his warm look with a large smile as he guided her to the table, where candles were lit. It was then that she noticed that the rest of the apartment was blissfully lacking light and most of the gleam came from the candles and the overhead light from the stove. The intimacy of the moment created small butterflies in her stomach as he pulled out her chair for her.
Never had a guy taken the time to do something like this for her. It was completely new, and she was completely loving every moment of it as he asked her how much of the Italian dish she wanted.
***
“Mm...” Buffy moaned, closing her eyes and leaning back in Riley’s arms where they were reclined on his couch before the gentle glow of the television. It was so low that she could barely hear it, not that it mattered much because she had a feeling that Riley did it on purpose, using it to serve more as background noise to what they were doing. Or would be doing. “I am stuffed. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Riley whispered back, his lips finding her neck as he hovered above her. She smiled as he moved lower, his tongue sneaking out and causing goose bumps to rise on her skin at the sensation. Her hands roamed over his back, her nails scraping gently and he smiled against her skin as he pushed her further into the couch. Her legs rose to wrap around one of his and she pushed herself against him. He groaned as he immediately found her mouth.
The feelings that rose up in Buffy were momentous as she kissed him back, arching into his touch as they continued to make out. She enjoyed the simplicity of the act, feeling like a teenager hiding out in her bedroom with her boyfriend. But this wasn’t hurried. It was more gentle, full of understanding between two adults. It brought on a whole new level of intimacy to the situation and Buffy found herself embracing it.
Until he pulled away.
Buffy groaned playfully as she found his mouth again and he laughed against her before indulging, tasting her once more. And then he pulled away.
“Tell me about Buffy,” he said softly against her lips.”What’s happened in your life?”
Buffy sighed before furrowing her brows and looking up at him before saying, her tone teasing, “Right now? Right this very second?”
Riley laughed again. “Yeah. I’m curious. I’m interested. I want to know what’s happened to you in the past that’s made you into who you are.”
Buffy couldn’t believe that it was him that was pulling away to ask her such things and she felt another bout of... something bloom in her chest. She smiled.
“Do you have a specific arena in which you’d like to learn about me?” she asked, her tone holding a hint of teasing as she looked up at him. He looked down at her seriously.
“Well, I’m still interested in what happened at your friend’s party...”
Buffy’s face immediately lost its teasing and she looked down, her arms still wrapped around him. Her first instinct was to pull away and tell him that it wasn’t any of his business... but she didn’t.
“It happened when I was in high school. I fell pretty hard for Angel... the guy at the party. He was older, I was younger and long story short, it ended badly. And looking back on it, I realize that it was really a... pretty unhealthy relationship for me to be in. I wasn’t ready and neither was he.”
She knew he could sense that there was more to the story than that, but she was glad when he smiled and didn’t push the issue. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
Buffy smiled, almost sadly. If he only knew the half of it... but she wasn’t ready to divulge anything past what she had. “You don’t have to be sorry,” she said, pushing a piece of hair from his eyes. “It was a long time ago.”
He kissed her softly and she sighed against his mouth as he moved the kiss into heavier ground. Buffy’s heartbeat was thundering in her ears when he pulled away and she took a deep breath as she looked up at him, a wide grin on her face.
“So tell me about Riley,” she said, using his words from before. “I’m a knowledge seeker on the subject of you.”
Riley chuckled. “Not much to tell, I’m afraid.”
“Oh, come on. You know I don’t believe that.”
Riley rolled his eyes playfully before beginning a summarized version of his life, telling her little stories that he remembered that made her laugh out loud and others that made her want to hug him. He opened up to her and she listened, the night moving on around them.
“Anya?”
A pause filled the air as Angel waited for the secretary to respond. He went to push the button again when she responded, “Yeah?”
“Wesley’s not answering his phone right now and-“
“He’s with a patient.”
Angel sighed. “I assumed that already, thank you.” He could almost hear the blonde on the other side rolling her eyes. “Would you please tell him to come into my office when he’s finished.”
“It’ll probably be a while,” she said, her bored voice filling his office as she flipped through some papers. “They just got started a couple of minutes ago.”
Angel sighed. “That’s fine.”
“Whatever,” she said dryly before he heard her click the button that would disconnect them. Angel stared at the phone for a moment before shaking his head. How did she get this job? He didn’t even remember interviewing her. It felt like one day, they were looking for someone and the next she was sitting there. He didn’t really question it, especially because she was a friend of Christina’s.
Of course, that was before he found out that she was currently with one of Buffy’s old friends... Angel clenched his jaw as the blonde filtered into his head, her bright smile filling his mind’s eye quickly followed by images of her face contorted in pleasure as he took her in the back of his Mercedes. Feeling an unnecessary bulge in his pants, he shifted in his chair, picking his pen up as he attempted to turn his attention back to the papers he was looking at. Buffy was a touchy subject. He didn’t know what he was doing with her, he only knew that he needed her, more than he had ever needed a person in his life. He thought it was bad when she was a teenager, but now that they were both sneaking away to be together... it added a different spice to the mix. He wasn’t sure if it was the danger that created that extra atmosphere around them, or the circumstances surrounding what had happened that night in his office.
He had been livid. His fiancee was avoiding him. He had every right to be angry, and it only felt natural that when the person who had started the initial clash walked through his office door, he lashed out. Of course, lashing out was an interesting word to describe what he had done. He had practically forced her... Angel shook his head. He barely remembered exactly what happened that night, except that he had snapped when Buffy had said that she was ready to move on from him. The simple words of goodbye spilling from her lips, when he felt like he was already losing Christina and the baby... it was too much. He felt out of control and it sent him over the edge.
The first couple of weeks with her were nothing more than a blur. He mostly remembered almost mechanical actions towards her, and much the same in return. It was hardly warm when they first started seeing each other again. It was simple, cold fucking. Nothing more. But as time passed, and they slowly began to grow more and more comfortable around each other and with each other, almost as easy as they had been when she was in high school, things changed. The movements slowed, the kisses were longer, the pleasure prolonged almost to the point of pain... Rather than looking forward to the physical release with her, he looked forward to simply touching her, being with her, and this confused the hell out of Angel.
He was engaged to a wonderful woman, who was in the late stages of pregnancy with his child, and here he was fucking the small blonde whom he had caused so much turmoil in the past almost like an obsessed hobby.
He knew he was sick. Knew he should stop it right there because if anyone ever found out, Christina would be gone from his life forever, as well as their child, and he couldn’t even bear to think of that... but he couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Buffy, either.
Rubbing his temples, he forced himself to think about the numbers and patients he was currently tracking. It was easier when he was thinking about something that didn’t require his emotions to have a guest role.
His job had always been a sort of place of peace for him. He was surprisingly good at listening to strangers and their problems and in turn, giving advice and helping them through their problems. It was a great way to step away from his own life and think about someone whom didn’t have any personal connection with him. It was a reprieve that he had found extremely helpful, especially after what had happened with Buffy in his last couple of weeks in Sunnydale.
A year and a half after he left the state of California, he began to study for his degree in psychology. It was something that he hadn’t really entertained in the past, but he felt an odd desire to find a way to describe what he was feeling. The roar of emotions that he experienced every day after leaving Sunnydale was almost suffocating and for the life of him, he couldn’t understand what it was that was making him feel this way. He’d never felt such a deep pain running through him and he didn’t like it. Especially because it reminded him of Buffy and what had happened with their baby.
Enter the psychology. Angel knew that a small part him thought that escaping into the studies of human behavior would be a great time consumer as well as an answer to his numerous questions. He also took some side classes in business as a way to fill the time, his interest in the stock market that had occupied most of his life pre-Buffy not giving him the satisfaction that it once had.
This is where he met Giles, his partner in their business. He had been a guest professor at his university and the two had instantly clicked. Anyone who had met Angel before Sunnydale would say that he had had a complete personality make over, but no one knew that in his new home. Angel thought this was one of the reasons that he and Giles got along so well. The event in Sunnydale had wizened Angel mentally, and he almost saw the same thing in the older man. It was through this that an almost father/son relationship began as Angel moved on from the class, and he continued to seek Giles out every few days until he graduated.
It wasn’t five years later than Giles suddenly called him, having heard of his success in school and psychotherapy, asking if he would like to be a partner in his new business. It was a pretty straight forward venture. They would be partners, and open offices for counseling This is where Angel’s business classes mostly came into handy use, which explained the long list of numbers he was currently staring at.
He mostly didn’t have a list of patients that he saw to, at least not as he did in his earlier years. He was more interested in the numbers and making sure things ran as smoothly as possible. It was mostly Giles that felt the need to keep a list of exclusive people to whom he often saw to.
A knock suddenly echoed in the room and Angel looked up, surprised. His eyes darted to the clock and he said loudly, “Come in.”
Wesley poked his head in, a curious expression on his face. “You wanted to see me.”
“Uh, yeah. Yes. Come on in. I just have a question about one of your patients.”
Wesley felt something pull at his chest as Buffy immediately popped into his head. He wasn’t dumb enough to immediately not think of her. He hadn’t forgotten their earlier confrontation over what had happened with the bubbly blonde, but considering the fact that he hadn’t had Buffy over to the offices in quite some time, and that both of them were doing significantly better than when they had first seen each other, he felt a little silly at the same time.
But the slight suspicion didn’t dissipate.
“Which one?” Wesley asked, his tone an open book for his thoughts as he sat down in one of the chairs before Angel’s desk.
“Uh...” Angel looked down at the stack of papers, quickly shuffling through them before pulling out a folder. He didn’t notice Wesley holding his breath in anticipation. “Wendy Cailler?”
“Ah, yes, Ms. Callier. A newer patient of mine. What is this regarding?”
“Oh, it’s a small thing. I tried calling earlier, but you were with an appointment. Is she not on full? I saw you only marked Tuesday and Thursday, but you’re charging her the full price?”
“Well, yes. She wanted a couple of preliminary meetings to get things started, to see if this is what she wanted. Apparently her last doctor wasn’t as... easy to talk to. But I feel I’m making progress, and she felt comfortable enough to immediately begin paying.”
“So she’ll be sticking around, then?” Angel asked, his pen poised to make a few notes.
“Most likely,” Wesley said, leaning back in the chair and crossing his legs as he rested his chin on his hand. “I feel that there is a lot of work to be done, and the last two meetings went very well.”
“Alright. Sounds good to me,” he said slowly as he wrote a few notes on a memo pad. “Let us know how things progress with that, then. Thanks for coming over here. I should’ve just had Anya ask you to call me.”
“Not a problem, not in the least,” Wesley said, waving his hand. He raised his eyebrows. “How is Mr. Giles enjoying England?”
“Very much so. He’s spending time with his family. It’s been a long time since he’s been out there.”
Wesley nodded. “I can sympathize.”
Angel smiled, almost gently, and Wesley didn’t give him a chance to speak as he continued on, “I do have to say though, considering the work load that you’ve taken on in Mr. Giles’ absence, you seem awfully chipper. It’s good to see you happy. Makes business easier, if you can understand.”
Angel nodded, not delving into what Wesley could mean by that. “It’s been a good couple of weeks.”
“Have you spoken with Christina?” As Angel’s face shuttered at the mention of his fiancee’s name, Wesley instantly regretted his words. “I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”
“No, no. It’s not you. It’s fine. And yes. We’re... slowly coming back to terms with each other.”
“That’s good...” Wesley smiled. “That’s good. Please let me know if you need anything else?”
“I will. Thanks for your time, Wes.”
Wesley nodded before standing and leaving the office. Angel sighed as he turned to his laptop, clicking on his email. Wesley’s mention of Giles reminded him that he had gotten an email from the old man a couple of hours ago. Quickly typing out a quick review of what was happening, a small note of the financial issues and a longer paragraph on what is happening with the patients he placed in Angel’s care, he ended the email with a small note hoping Giles was enjoying his time in the mother country and that he sends his love to the rest of the family.
Clicking on the send button, he watched as the little envelope on the screen spun for a moment before disappearing, signaling that the email had been sent. Moving the mouse to exit out of his mail, he noticed that he had a few new pieces of mail. Raising his eyebrow, figuring it was mostly business-related items, he clicked on the Inbox tab.
The first two were from one of the psychiatrists in the building, expressing concern for something or other. Angel didn’t pay attention to those, rather focusing on the last email. It was from Christina.
A smile graced his features before he knew what he was doing and he opened it.
The smile never left his face as he reads her words, chuckling at her last sentence, “My closet has doubled in size already thanks for Cordy’s penchant for spending money that doesn’t go towards the ‘unnecessary’ things, like hot water and electricity’.
Clicking on reply, Angel responded in much the same matter, describing his days at the office and what he did to fill his time. It was nice, these messages sent back and forth between them. It was almost as if they were back in the beginning stages of their relationship, when they were still getting to know each other. Angel remembered when he had sent his first email. It had been a couple of days after his... meeting with Buffy, after he had cooled a significant amount, after he had stopped constantly bombarding Christina with calls. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He just wanted them to understand each other.
It took her a couple of days to respond, and each day that passed Angel felt like their relationship was slowly slipping from his grasp. The day when he walked into work and opened his mail and saw her response, everything seemed to have bloomed for him in that moment. There was hope for them yet. Her letter had immediately started with her not being ready to talk about what had happened between them, especially at the restaurant, and Angel had conceded, ignoring the small voice in the back of his head telling him that he was fucked up because he was fucking the very person who had put them in this position, but he ignored it. It was just too complicated to think about. She said she was thankful that he was taking the first steps towards something and not pressuring her into anything. She admitted that she had been a little afraid when he would appear outside Cordy’s house, and then there were apologies and explanations and understanding.
All in all, it was good. For both of them.
Easily typing as he thought of more things to tell her, he explained about what was happening with Giles and that he was enjoying his stay in England. The suddenly heavier work load kept him busy. He asked how the baby was doing and when she would be having her next appointment.
Keeping it as simple as he could without getting into anything heavy that could possibly scare her off any subject in any way relating to why they had taken to their separate ways, Angel quickly re-read what he had written before pressing send, a deep satisfaction filling him as he slowly worked towards mending his life back together.
***
“Hey... Listen, Willow, I miss you. I miss my best friend. So much has been happening and I need someone to talk to. I know we said some... pretty harsh things, but I can’t stand not being able to see you and tell you what’s going on. I am sorry about what happened, and...” The blonde sighed deeply. “Will you meet me at the Espresso Pump? At around... nine-ish?...”
***
Willow entered the small coffee shop, looking around for the familiar blonde head. She immediately spotted her and when their eyes met, Buffy stood as Willow slowly made her way towards her. Neither spoke for a moment before Buffy stepped forward, hugging the redhead tightly. Willow didn’t hesitate a moment to hug her back and they stood like that as Buffy whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Willow smiled wryly as she pulled back. “Me, too. I guess we were both being kind of... well, stupid.”
Buffy smiled, a chuckle passing through her lips. “Yeah, you could say that. A very nice, mild way of putting it, which is good.”
As they sat down, Buffy circling her hands around the warm coffee she had already ordered. She waited a moment as Willow ordered something as well before their eyes met again. An awkward silence descended on the table and Buffy sighed.
“I hate this. I hate that this is what we’ve become. God, Wills, I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Buffy. But I was hurt, you know?”
“I know. And I was, too. That was... pretty heavy, what happened that night.” Buffy shook her head. That was a complete understatement if she had ever actually stated something. Another moment passed before Buffy finally sighed loudly.
“Forgive me?”
Willow smiled. “Of course. Do you forgive me for being such a poophead afterwards?”
Buffy grinned. “Like you have to ask. You know I do.”
They laughed together gently before Buffy took a deep breath. “Whew. I feel so much better.”
“Me, too. This was definitely good. The whole non-verbal thing.” Willow smirked. “So what’s been going on? How’s Riley?”
“Riley’s great. We had... such an amazing night yesterday. He made me dinner - and god, if I had known he could cook so well, I would have jumped on that long ago - and then we just sat, and talked. It was... almost magical.”
“Wow. Sounds intense.”
“It was. We talked about our lives and what we wanted to do with our futures. It was crazy because I always thought that sort of stuff was saved for the sappy romance movies. Not for real life. And I was surprised at how comfortable I was talking about that stuff with him. I even told him about what happened in high school, like with Angel, and what happened at the Cordy’s party. I didn’t go into too much detail, though. I mean, he doesn’t know about... about the abortion, but I think he knew that I wasn’t ready to tell him that stuff. And now I’m feeling kind of guilty because he told me everything there to know about him.”
“But that’s awesome that you found someone like that, you know? It’s healthy. And definitely of the good for you.”
“And god he just... it’s like everything he does just sets me on fire. Whenever he kisses me, I want more. He’s so gentle and it’s just so... sweet, you know?”
“Have you guys... well, you know? Slept together?”
Buffy smiled, almost shyly, as she looked down at her coffee, playing with it idly. “Not yet. But it’s weird because I want to, but I want to wait, too. I can’t even describe it.”
“That’s great, Buffy. I mean, about the way you’re feeling. It sounds like it’s really going to work out for you two.”
Buffy grinned. “I know. It’s just this brand new ride that I’ve never wanted to jump on, and now that I’ve tried it out, I can’t get enough.”
“Well, you can definitely see it. You’re all glow-y.”
“I am?”
Willow lifted an eyebrow. “Definite glowage.”
Buffy laughed. Willow excused herself for a moment to go grab her drink and as she sat back down, removing her jacket in the process, she grabbed one of the cinnamon shakers sitting at the table and shook some on top of the whipped cream. Continuing her coffee ritual, she didn’t look up as she asked, “So... have you heard from Angel?”
Buffy felt her body tighten the instant his name was mentioned and she visibly forced herself to calm down as she stuck her hands underneath the table, rubbing them up and down roughly against her pants. She was glad that she was staring at the top of Willow’s head so that she didn’t see her reaction. “Um, no, actually. Not a word. Not that I really care or anything. But I do have something that I wanted to talk to you about. An idea I’ve been having for a while.”
Willow frowned slightly at the subject change. It didn’t take a genius to hear the difference in Buffy’s tone as she seamlessly attempted to shift the conversation away from her old beau. Maybe she wasn’t as content with the past as she had immediately assumed, but she allowed it. It wouldn’t do to rehash that nasty stuff at the moment, especially since they had just rekindled the friendship from such a rough patch... and because Buffy really did seem happy. Buffy would tell her everything when she was ready. This time, she was confident in that.
“Oh, yeah?”
“I was thinking a party. Something to kind of replace the mess that was Cordy’s. It could be a kind of dinner party type of thing, at my place. Just close friends. I already talked to Riley and he said he would cook up some goodies. What do you think?”
Willow smiled. “I think that would be great!”
“And maybe we could even invite Cordy and... Doyle, was that his name?... Kind of bury the hatchet, if you could think of it that way.”
“Yeah, we could ask. I think that sounds great. We really don’t have enough dinner parties, or much less parties of any kind for that matter.”
As the duo continued to talk, planning, catching up, just generally being best friends, the rift that seemed to have developed between the two continued to disappear as the morning wore on.
***
“Wesley Whyndam-Pryce.”
“Buffy Summers,” the voice responded, the tone teasing as she mocked him.
A wide grin immediately split Wesley’s face. “Buffy. How nice to hear from you.”
“Yeah, you, too. How have you been?”
“Oh, just working. Nothing too terribly exciting. And you?”
“Pretty much the same. I finally talked to Willow, though.”
“That’s wonderful. You two discussed what happened?”
“We discussed, we drank coffee and we talked. Did the best friend thing. I definitely feel a lot better now that I’ve got her back in my life.”
“I can imagine. She is your best friend, yes?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, how would you feel about coming in for some catch up time?” Wesley asked, mentally noting that Angel had left for the afternoon and wouldn’t be back until after the weekend.
“That would be great, but I won’t be able to come in until I get off.”
“Well, in that case, I won’t be able to stay too long because I have a previous engagement.”
“That’s fine. I’ll guess I’ll see you tonight, then?”
“Yes, that sounds good.”
“Alright. Bye, Wes.”
She hung up the phone quickly and Wesley started for a moment before settling the phone down. Had she just rushed him off the phone?
***
Buffy glanced down at her date book, noting the staff meeting. She had written ‘mandatory’ in large, bold letters. She wasn’t exactly sure what the meeting was going to be about, but she knew that the boss was stressing the importance, so she figured she should attend... on time.
Glancing at the clock, she quickly gathered her bag and locked up her desk before throwing everything together in a semi-organized manner. The meeting was in forty minutes.
Lunch was going to have to be short today. Sighing as she exited her office, she smiled at everybody who passed. But it was definitely no less mandatory than the meeting.
***
“Knock, knock.”
“Buffy,” Wesley said, rising from where he was sitting. “You’re earlier than I thought you would be.”
“That’s okay, right?” she asked as she hugged him. He smiled, the act of hugging her not plaguing him as something seriously inappropriate as it would have in the past. She was no longer a registered patient of his. He had made sure of that this very afternoon. They were friends now. And as unorthodox as that may seem, it was nice because she had certainly grown into a wonderful person.
“Of course. Please, sit down.” They both sat down in the chairs that sat before his desk, slightly facing each other. Without having to look at her twice, Wesley noted the happiness radiating off of her and this pleased him. “Life is agreeing with you, I take it?”
Buffy laughed. “Am I that easy to read? Willow said the same thing.”
“Well, the constant smiles is an obvious sign.”
Buffy chuckled. “Yeah, life is good. Had a good night with Riley, work is going good. Things are running... smoothly right now. It’s really nice.”
“That’s great, Buffy.”
“We had a really good talk the other night. We talked about things that I’ve never talked about with a guy before. He was genuinely interested in me and it was really easy to let him in. It was so weird. I even told him about what happened with Angel... well, not everything. I didn’t tell him about the abortion, but I think he knows I’m not ready to go there. Not that I’m ashamed of it or anything. It’s just... it’s not who I am anymore. It’s in the past. I’m kind of liking the present at the moment.”
Wesley smiled. “That’s an amazing feat, Buffy, considering what has happened in the last couple of months. You’re emotional growth is admirable. It truly is.”
Buffy beamed. “Thank you. That’s so sweet of you. I mean, to me, it’s just being Buffy. You make it sound all cool.”
Wesley laughed softly, not responding. Not missing a beat, Buffy continued on, “And the whole Willow thing. God, that’s just a huge weight off my shoulders. We talked about everything. We didn’t really get too much into what happened at the party, but it was easy because we both seemed to forgive each other.”
Wesley cocked his head and Buffy paused. “What?”
“Well, it would seem that that would be a sign that you should talk about it. It’s obvious that it was a very deep wound that the both of you share and just leaving it as it is won’t let it heal, Buffy. I think it would be best if you both sat down with the only intention to talk about it.”
Buffy stared at him for a moment, almost in disbelief, before looking away. She sighed. “Yeah, I can see how that would make sense... but it’s hard, you know? It was so long ago.”
“All the more reason, don’t you agree?”
Buffy nodded, a wan smile on her face. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just going to be hard. It’s easier doing the non-verbal.”
Wesley merely looked on in understanding as he nodded his head slightly, waiting for her to continue. She shook her head slightly as she went on, “But everything else was good. It was like vintage Willow and Buffy. We even talked about a party idea that I had. Just this little get together for some close friends, to kind of get together and make sure nothing bad is left... in the blood. Is this making sense?”
Wesley smiled and nodded. “It is. And I think that’s a fantastic idea. Reconnecting with your friends is always a good thing to do from time to time. You don’t want to lose contact with the ones whom ground you.”
“Exactly. That’s what I said.” Taking a deep breath, she blew it out before sitting up straighter as she leaned forward. She looked at him inquiringly before saying, “So what’s going on in your life, Wes? What’s this ‘previous engagement’ that you have?”
Wesley shifted in his seat. His first reaction was to tell Buffy that it wasn’t appropriate to talk about his life details, but Buffy wasn’t a patient anymore. On the contrary, she was a friend and he allowed himself to look her in the eye. “It’s a date actually.”
“Ooh, go Wesley,” Buffy said, her tone teasing, yet affectionate. “Who’s the lucky girl?”
“Her name is Fred. Winifred Burkle. She’s quite a lovely girl.”
“Where’d you two meet?”
“At the corner deli actually. I almost ran her over and split my coffee all over her outfit. Somehow we started talking and then it went from there.”
“It sounds like someone’s smitten,” Buffy said in a sing-song voice, her tone light. She almost laughed out loud when Wesley blushed slightly.
“And what are you plans for the rest of the night?”
Buffy shrugged, a secretive look on her face. “Another date night with Riley.”
“That sounds lovely. Sounds like you two are becoming quite serious.”
“We are. It’s... nice.”
“Well, Buffy, I hate to cut our time short, but my date awaits. Shall we leave together?”
Buffy smiled. “Of course. Can’t keep you from getting that crazy thing called a social life.”
Wesley looked at her, his expression a mixture of disbelief and disappointment. “I have a social life. A very active one.”
Buffy smirked loudly. “Sure. Sounds very... active.”
“I’ll have you know that I go out quite a bit.”
“Oh, yeah? Where?”
“Well...”
Their voices echoed down the hall as they exited through the elevator doors, the heavy steel sliding closed as she continued to tease him all the way down.
***
His lips were warm against her skin as he grazed her throat before continuing lower. A gasp slipped past her lips as he barely touched the swell of her breasts before moving back up. She whimpered as his hands moved down her body and she responded in kind, her hands roaming down his clothed back, her nails scraping against him softly as she reached the hem of his shirt. Slipping her hand inside, she ran her fingers back up his spine. She could feel the goose bumps her actions caused and she smiled as his lips concentrated on her clavicle.
Moaning slightly, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he hovered over her. Pushing his shirt further up, Buffy urged him away so she could pull it over his head. She tossed it to the floor beside his bed as their lips met in a passionate tangle. Rubbing up against him, they moaned simultaneously as they felt each other through their minimal clothing.
Chills ran down her body as his hand slipped between them, slipped under the sexy negligee she had worn for him, his fingers grazing her aching wetness ever so gently before pulling away. She felt his fingers at the waistband of her panties and she nodded her head in approval as she slipped his hand within.
Her body immediately arched off the mattress as he touched her clit and she felt her heart jump as someone else popped into her head. Opening her eyes, she found Riley staring down at her, his face a mask of contentment, something so pure she hadn’t ever seen anything like it. She felt her heart in her throat as he continued to pleasure her, and she felt her heart break as she unconsciously imagined it was Angel’s fingers.
A pained moan escaped her lips, but Riley took it to be the other away around and he continued his rhythm, gently kissing her face as he brought her to completion. A tear almost rolled down her cheek as she came, biting her lip to keep from yelling another man’s name.
Buffy suddenly felt like she was in a whirlwind of emotion as Riley took control of the situation. He gently slipped her panties down her legs and undid his pants. She watched as he carefully slipped a condom on before climbing back over her. He pulled her legs up so she cradled his hips against hers perfectly and he thrust into her. Buffy’s body seemed to react without her mind’s consent and she replied to his thrusts in kind, her inner turmoil going unnoticed as he buried his head against her shoulder, his hot breath filling her head as she remembered Angel slowly slipping in and out of her.
The urge to scream her objections against what her mind was showing her came up so suddenly that she bit her lip hard enough to draw blood and a tear slipped down her cheek. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She wasn’t supposed to feel this... vile, under another man’s touch. And she did. She felt like her skin had been desecrated because it wasn’t Angel’s hands on her body. It was Riley’s.
Her heart broke as he continued to move against her, his movements beginning to lose their steady rhythm as he worked himself towards his completion. She barely felt his thumb against her clit and she cried out. When Riley pushed against her harder, she arched into his touch, even as her mind and heart recoiled from it.
Not a moment later did she feel him jerk against her, his thrusts weakening in their power as he came inside the condom. When he collapsed against her body, Buffy fought against the urge to push him away. His weight was nothing like Angel’s. Nothing was like Angel’s. And she hated herself for hating the way Riley felt against her skin.
When he finally lifted his head, she could feel his breath against her ear as he whispered, so softly she thought she could have been mistaken, “I love you.”
Her heart shattered as a pained gasp fell from her throat. He rolled away immediately after a gentle stroke of her hair and she rolled to her side when he went to dispose of the condom. She curled in on herself, wrapping her arms around her torso, rubbing her hands up and down as if to get rid of the feeling. She felt... alienated from her own skin. She had responded, but she had found no pleasure in it whatsoever. It was if because it wasn’t Angel, she couldn’t... she just couldn’t.
Buffy closed her eyes as the bed dipped and Riley wrapped himself around her, snuggling his nose into her hair and sighing deeply, her name escaping his lips. Tears cascaded gently from her eyes as she wept for him... for herself.
***
Buffy had waited for a couple of hours, just to make sure that he was asleep before she carefully untangled herself from his embrace. Quickly, she bent down and grabbed her discarded clothes, holding them against herself as she looked at him where he laid in bed. His arm was thrown of his chest and the other was laying across the pillow that she had been sleeping on.
Biting her lip, she tip-toed across the room, finding her shoes at the entrance to the bedroom. Holding her belongings close to her chest, she didn’t look back as she left the room.
When she finally made it to the front door, she paused. Where was she going? What was she doing? She didn’t even know anymore. Looking around quickly, she spotted a pad of paper and a couple of pens. Scribbling a quick note on the top sheet, she ripped it off soundlessly and gently set her clothes and shoes on the table before making her way back into the bedroom. Laying it on the bedside, she turned before looking back. The serene look on his face was almost enough to cause her to break down once again and she immediately left the apartment before she woke up.
Easily making it to her apartment without catching any odd looks, Buffy locked the door behind her. Her hands still clutching the items in her hands, she made her way to the bedroom where she laid down on the bed, curling into a defensive ball, her clothes not leaving her possession.
What had happened? Things were going great. They were perfect. Riley was the kind of guy any woman should want... right? So why was she yearning for the one man she knew she should never be with? The self-loathing that came with that thought was enough to cause her to start crying again and she slowly sat up, looking around miserably.
She needed to shower.
Carefully setting her clothes in the corner of the room, Buffy slowly undressed and discarded her soiled clothes in the same spot before making her way to the bathroom. Never in her life had she felt so... dirty. And she knew that she had no real reason to, except that she was truly a bad person. She didn’t want to touch of a loving man... she wanted - no, craved - the touch of the one man who had been the cruelest to her.
As she climbed into the shower, the water scalding against her skin, she merely stood there. Not even after she and Angel had gotten... reacquainted had she felt this dirty. She felt... god, it was different then. It meant more because it was Angel. Now she wanted nothing more than to remove the smell of the foreign hands that had been on her body not more than a couple of hours before.
Not even bothering to do her daily rituals after she took a shower, Buffy climbed into bed, her hair wet and cold against her back as she laid down and stared at the ceiling.
***
Buffy awoke with a strangled gasp, sitting up in her bed as she looked around. She felt... cold, even though the temperature in the room was higher than usual. She felt isolated. She felt like an intruder in her own body and it had clearly communicated to her subconscious level. That dream...
Closing her eyes, she laid back down, not noting that her hair had dried and that it was close to three in the morning. How long had she been asleep? She didn’t even care, just as long as she went back to sleep... and dreamt about nothing.
A moment later, she shifted. And a moment after that. Crinkling her face in frustration, she forced herself to think about anything other than getting up and leaving the apartment. Getting up and going to the one person that could take this ugly feeling away from her.
Self-hatred flowed through her as she contemplated how she could even be thinking that right now. He was the last person, the very, very last person on the face of the planet that she should be seeing...
And as Buffy climbed from bed and pulled on a pair of baggy sweats and a white tank top followed by a zip-up hoodie, she didn’t dwell on the fact that she would surely hate herself more later after tonight... not that was possible because she was pretty much already past the point of no return...
***
A machine. That’s what it had taken to get over to his house and park a few houses down, on the opposite side. She stared at the dark windows. He was there. She could see his car. But he was sleeping. He wouldn’t want to be bothered right now, surely.
But that didn’t stop her as she climbed out of her car, locking the door and walking towards the house. She reached it faster than she thought she would and had already pushed the doorbell before she realized what she was doing. After a minute, when there wasn’t an answer, she inhaled sharply. She didn’t want to go. She couldn’t. She needed him. But if he couldn’t be there, then what other choice did she really have at this point?
Which was when the door opened and she looked up, wide eyed, at a rumpled Angel, only dressed in a pair of low slung sweat pants.
He stared at her as if he didn’t recognize her and as she breathed his name, he reached out and took her into his arms, pulling her into the house as his lips descended on hers.
The sun bore down on them like a heavy rainstorm, but neither seemed to notice it. It was refreshing, feeling the heat of something that was natural, and the iced fruit drinks in their hands certainly helped keep a medium between the opposites. Christina glanced up at the sky, squinting from behind the dark sunglasses she wore as she listened to Cordelia’s unorthodox description of the new girl at her office.
“But you should have seen the skirt that she wore yesterday. Yay for her being a little smart, but that scrap of cloth pretty much said, “‘I’m a slut. Please ask me how’.”
Christina smirked as she sipped at her drink before replying, the sarcasm evident, “A skirt said all that?”
Cordelia seemed to take a moment to think, her finger tapping her chin in a mocking manner as she looked over at the other brunette, “Actually, it’s a lot like the little number you used to wear.”
Christina blanched playfully, smacking her shoulder. “Please!”
Cordelia laughed, bringing her own drink to her lips as she looked around, leaning back to let the sun get more intimate with her face.
“But I looked better, right?” Christina asked after a moment, amusement coloring her tone.
“Of course.”
Christina chuckled softly to herself as she scanned the park that they sat in. A large fountain sat at the center, water flowing from the top in an artful spray before falling back down to the small surrounding pool. She watched on as a young couple sat down, their fingers intertwined. They kissed briefly before the woman stuck her fingers into the water and splashed it into the man’s face. She could hear their laughter from the spot in which she sat, and she immediately diverted her gaze as her thoughts went to when she first met Angel. They hadn’t been nearly that playful with each other, especially in public, mostly because of Angel’s morose attitude towards everything. She hadn’t even gotten a decent laugh out of him until their seventh date.
As she continued to stare at her surroundings, she noticed the group of kids playing what looked like a small game of Hide And Seek near one of the taller trees. A small smile graced her face as she unconsciously reached for her stomach, her fingers grazing the bump that erupted from her abdomen. She didn’t even realize that she was leaning forward until Cordelia joined her, looking at her silently before looking to see what she was staring at.
Neither spoke for a moment.
“When was the last time you got a decent session of photography in?” Cordelia asked, switching her drink from on hand to the other.
Christina jerked slightly, looking to Cordelia, almost embarrassed that she had been caught staring. “I’m not sure. A while. My stuff’s over at the house, actually, so... probably not for a while anyway.”
“You should go over and get it, then. It could be something to keep you occupied during those long hours. Although I know how absolutely fascinating those court shows can be.”
Christina smiled, letting her remark go. “I’m not sure. I haven’t seen Angel since... well, you know. It would just be too awkward.”
“You know, it wouldn’t be all that bad to see him. When was the last time you two talked?”
Christina turned to look at her now, pausing a moment at the thought that Cordelia had just suggested she actually see Angel. Blinking, she replied, “He wrote back yesterday. I still haven’t gotten back to him. He asked when my next appointment was.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want him to... freak out again. Plus we haven’t talked about what happened at your party and... it would just be too much right now. I’m not ready to see him. Much less face to face. We can email... but speaking? No thank you.”
“Christina...”
“Nothing you say is going to change my mind, Cordelia. What he did... to that poor girl... There’s something more there, like there is with everything he does. And I know that talking to him about it will hurt him, and hurt me... I just need to deal with one thing at a time. First things first, the baby. After that... well, we’ll cross that bridge when it comes.”
Cordelia squinted at her from behind her own sunglasses. She still hadn’t gotten her friend to discuss what had happened at the party and how she was really coping. Considering she was talking to Angel now through email, she could only assume that seeing him would be the next step. Obviously she was ready to let him back into her life... but then again maybe she was deluding herself into thinking that he had the right to, especially since the baby that she was carrying was his. Either way, she had yet to open up to anyone about what had happened and Cordelia felt horrible that she couldn’t take the pain away. Even if she did talk, she didn’t have the solution that she knew the brunette would need when that time came.
Rather than continue the discussion, Cordelia turned to look out at the park, taking another long drink from her quickly warming beverage.
After a spell, Christina said without taking her eyes off of the playing kids, “I guess I could go get my stuff. I do need something to do to get my ass out of the house. But make no mistake. Those court shows are fascinating. Where else can you hear about a trailer trash husband wishing his wife could at least keep the cockroaches from his dinner plate?”
Cordelia stopped mid-sip and looked at Christina. “Eew. That’s just... eew.”
Christina chuckled. “Wanna head back to the house? I can feel my skin dying as we speak.”
“Ever heard of sunscreen?”
“If I remember correctly,” Christina said as they stood and started towards Cordelia’s car, “You only have suntan oil. Have you ever heard of sunscreen?”
“Har har. So funny.”
As they drove back to the house, Christina leaned her head back against the headrest, enjoying the cool air blasting out from the dashboard, ignoring the loud honk that Cordelia received. She didn’t have to open her eyes to know that Cordelia flipped the poor person off before muttering under her breath about lunatics on the road.
Christina was further pleased when they finally entered the house, feeling the cold air blast against her face. She looked back at her friend. “Your husband knows how to treat pregnant women.”
Cordelia beamed as she set her purse on the side table sitting next to the door. “I married right. I know it.”
Stretching her arms over her head, Christina felt her back scream with protest as she forced her spine to crack a little. “I think I’m going to go lay down. Junior here does not agree with my back.”
Cordelia nodded as she disappeared around the corner and went upstairs. Walking into the living room, she called her husband’s name. A moment later, he appeared from where he had been downstairs. Judging by the ruffled hair and clothes, he had been working. Hadn’t noticed that it was daylight outside and that a shower was usually in order for the next day. Not that she minded. If she had, she wouldn’t have married him.
“Hey,” she said brightly, accepting his kiss as he wrapped her in a tight hug.
“Hiya, gorgeous,” he drawled. “Did you two have fun?”
“Yep. The sweating, the fruit drinks... What have you been up to?”
Doyle watched his wife slip her jacket down her arms, her toned body evident through her tight clothes. “Not much. Working. And oh, before I forget, your friend Buffy called. Something about a dinner party.”
A frown instantly marred Cordelia’s face. “Buffy?”
“Yeah. Isn’t she the one that was with... er,well... you know,” Doyle asked as she threw himself into their plump couch, immediately sinking into the cushions.
“Yeah, she is. I guess I’ll call her back. See what’s going on.”
“A dinner party, that’s what’s going on.”
Cordelia rolled her eyes. Men. They never could understand that with women, there was always something deeper happening there. Picking up the phone from its cradle in the kitchen, she noticed that he had left her phone number next to the mail, which rested on the same counter. Quickly dialing, she listened to the hollow ringing before the blonde answered.
“Buffy Summers.”
“Hey, Buffy. It’s Cordelia.”
“Oh, hey. How are you?”
Arching an eyebrow, Cordelia responded, ”Fine. You?” It wasn’t exactly unknown that Cordelia and Buffy weren’t exactly the best of friends. Had in fact spent most of their high school career shooting barbs at each other, each one nastier than before. Even through the years, the strange hostility between them hadn’t gone down, and even though she had played nice at her party, it didn’t mean that it would communicate to whatever Buffy had going on.
“I’m good. Just planning this dinner party. I’ve actually been wanting to do it for the last couple of weeks, but haven’t gotten around to getting a night planned and everything together. I thought it would be nice if you could come. It’s a sort of friend reunion of sorts.”
“Sounds nice.”
“Yeah, and you could bring your husband, too. It’s not going to be exclusive.”
Cordelia’s first response was to say no and hang up the phone but as she looked up at Doyle, she saw him nodding his head, telling her to accept it. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at him as she pursed her lips. Her instant decision wasn’t merely based on her personal feelings towards Buffy. A lot of it had to do with what had happened with Angel and that Buffy had been the source of what was not happening between the brood monster and her best friend. Rolling her eyes, she said, “That’s would be fun, Buffy. Who’s all going to be there?”
“Willow, Xander, Anya, Riley. Nothing big at all. It’ll be at my apartment.”
“It’s not too small, then, is it? Because I don’t really feel sitting in a cube for an entire night, pushed up next to everyone from high school.”
She could practically hear Buffy’s stifled sigh of annoyance. “No, Cordelia, it’ll be fine.”
“Well, then, I guess you can count us in.”
“Great. It’s actually this Sunday. Let me give you some quick instructions to my place.”
Cordelia grabbed a pen and half-heartedly wrote down what Buffy said before wishing her goodbye and hanging up the phone. She immediately turned on her husband. “Why are you making us go?”
He chuckled. “You could’ve said no, sweetheart.”
“Oh, I could have said no?”
“Besides,” Doyle said quickly, standing from where he had been lying and sauntered towards his voluptuous brunette. “It’ll be good for you to get out of the house. A change of pace.”
“What about Christina?” Cordelia practically hissed as Doyle wound her in his arms.
“She doesn’t have to know. It’s not Buffy’s fault that all this happened.”
Cordelia frowned. Despite what she thought about the whole Buffy/Angel/Christina situation, her husband did have a point. And she kind of hated him for it. But she loved him more. Kissing him soundly on the lips, she allowed herself to sink into his arms.
***
A deep sigh fell from her lips as she finally turned off the small desk lamp on her desk. The room was bathed into darkness as she stood, grabbing her purse. A sallow light filled her vision as she walked through the empty offices, heading for the exit. She had had to work late because the lecherous being that was her boss just needed those papers by tomorrow morning.
Glancing down at the watch at her wrist, she noted the time. Riley would be working late as well. This woman he worked for really kept him going when she got some new wind beneath her wings. The last time this had happened, she had kept him at her building for almost two days straight. Buffy didn’t know exactly what to think about what was happening, but she knew that Riley was happy with his work, so she didn’t press for more information.
Seeing that it was well past eight, she climbed into her car and immediately headed for the highway, the quickest route to her destination. Twenty minutes later, she pulled in across the street from a large house with a nice picture window at its face, putting the car into park as she turned the lights off. Grabbing her purse, she climbed out of her car and walked discreetly across the street and few houses down before she walked up the long, curving driveway of the residence.
She knew that this was likely the last time that she would be seeing Angel for a couple of days, and the thought alone left a hollow section in her stomach. It was at night that she gave herself the luxury of not having to think too much about what they were doing. It had been three weeks since she had come to his house for the first time, but it hadn’t been the last. That little visit seemed to have opened a door for them, and neither were exactly arguing.
It had been one of their rules when they first got together. Never at their homes. She didn’t tell him that she was seeing someone, but she knew that he got the hint when she told him that it would be too obvious for him to come to her place. And she simply hadn’t asked to come over to his house. He shared this place with this wife, and even though they were separated, that didn’t give her the right to overstep that boundary. But that didn’t matter nearly as much as it had at the beginning.
Knocking on the door softly, Buffy looked down at the ground before her head snapped up at the sound of the lock being pushed back and the door pulled open. Her breath caught as he answered the door, still wearing his clothes from the office, just as she was. He smiled at her, that sexy half smile which she remembered from high school and he tugged her in, his lips finding hers immediately.
Buffy felt something force its way up through her chest and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, dropping her purse as he closed the door. It was this way every time she came over to his house. The first couple of times she had, it had been after... seeing Riley. Being with Riley. She had resisted the urge to come over, but couldn’t overcome the need to find him after Riley’s hands touched her. It was so strange that she could act as if nothing was wrong during the day, but when the night came and she felt Riley enter her, she knew it was wrong. And she knew that the only thing that could erase it was this man that now nuzzled her neck as he moved them into the living room.
Gasping his name as his hands gripped her ass tightly, pulling her closer to his hardness, she lifted one of her legs to wrap around his leg as he finally came to the large recliner. Carefully untangling her from his embrace, he sat down and she followed suit, kneeling before him as she quickly undid his belt, followed by his pants. Tugging them down, he stared down at her as she pulled his boxers down next. She bit her lip slightly before swiftly licking the side of his hard cock. She felt his hand in her hair as she took him deep into her mouth, her tongue swirling around the tip before bobbing her head back down.
Moments passed of Angel’s soft grunts and Buffy’s sounds of soft sucking before he tugged her from her knees, urging her to straddle the recliner. She moaned into his mouth as their lips connected and she cried out at the feeling of his hard cock pushed against her silk panties, already slick with her wetness. His hand snaked between them, pushing her panties aside and massaging her clit. Breaking the kiss, she let out a breathy cry, barely heard as she pushed her forehead against his, her hips moving against his hand.
Pushing her back gently, he used his other hand to begin unbuttoning her jacket and shirt. Taking the clue, she slipped her jacket off and slowly unbuttoned her shirt, pulling it down her shoulders. She could couldn’t see his dark gaze as he stared at her black bra, which barely covered anything, if everything at the same time. It had cost a pretty penny, and she had told herself that she was buying it for Riley when she entered Victoria’s Secret.
She let out a pained gasp when his hand left the v of her legs, but she threw her head back as he wrapped one arm around her waist and the other wound into her hair as he pulled her chest to his face, wrapping his lips around one of her nipples. She could feel the heat from his mouth through the lacy material and she opened her mouth in silent pleasure as he swirled his tongue against her.
Moving against him slowly, they moved in a gentle rhythm, both taking the time to undress the other. She pulled his shirt off over his head as he gracefully undid her bra and slowly slipped it down her arms and to the floor where it hid behind the recliner.
Buffy scraped her nails down his chest, and he growled lightly as she wrapped her hand around his cock, swiftly stroking it to hardness once again before lifting herself, using her other hand to brace herself against his shoulder. Already knowing what she had in mind, Angel wrapped his hands around her waist and aided her in the lifting. As he felt his cock touch her nether lips, her wetness already seeping down onto him, he pushed her back down slowly and Buffy let out a strangled cry, pressing her mouth to his as he moaned against her lips, whispering her name.
Letting her hand move back up to his chest, she wrapped it around him as she began to slide up and then back down. Thrusting his hips up slightly, she gave out a cry of agreement at the pressure it created and he cupped her bottom to give him more momentum as he thrust up harder, his eyes closing as he leaned back.
A couple minutes passed of their fucking on the chair and as the pace began to grow a bit quicker, Angel felt his annoyance grow as well as Buffy set her own pace. Thrusting his hips up, he heard her cry out, but he wanted more. He wanted her begging, crying his name out over and over until she exploded. Shoving his hips up once again, he waited for her to fall back down before he wrapped his arms around her and stood up swiftly, cradling the blonde in his arms to his chest as he moved towards the stairs. He needed a flat plane in which he could properly give her what she needed. What he needed.
Buffy wrapped her legs around him tightly and let his name fall from her lips loudly as the angle changed and she clenched down on him. He grunted loudly as he found one step before he gave in, bending down and setting her against the stairs before bracing himself and grabbing one of her legs and pulling it up to her chest. Her cry of pleasure echoed throughout the house as he thrust into her almost violently, her back pushing into the stairs she laid against painfully. But she didn’t care, just as long as he didn’t stop.
Their intermingled cries created a chorus that wound through the house as they worked each other to completion. It didn’t take more than a moment for Buffy to come and she arched her back, one hand gripping his arm as the other wrapped around one of the beams from the railing, her nails digging into it as another orgasm ripped through her body. Angel’s name fell from her lips as she came a third time before she felt Angel jerk against her, his cries getting louder before he finally fell against her.
As the moments ticked on, he finally let go of her leg and she let a sign fall from her lips as he pulled himself away from her and helped her up before grabbing her hand and pulling her up the stairs behind him.
***
The first thing that she noticed when she approached the house was how dark it was. There appeared to be no one home, but Christina knew that was a lie when she saw Angel’s car parked out front. Silently rolling to a stop along the curb, Christina cut the engine and leaned over as best she could considering her stomach, and looked up. No, scratch that. There was a very gentle glow coming from what she knew was the master bedroom.
So he was home. Well, that was okay. He didn’t have to know that she was over. She was just getting her things and then she would be gone.
It had taken a good couple of hours of talking herself into going over, and then talking herself out of it, before she finally got out of bed and grabbed Cordy’s keys, leaving the door unlocked behind her, not bothering to wake her sleeping friends. She wouldn’t be gone that long. Plus, there was a very good chance that either Angel was working late - he did say he had a heavier work load in his email - or he was asleep. It was eleven o’clock on a Friday night.
But one of those alternatives was nixed when she saw his car in the driveway and the glow in the window. She only prayed that he was asleep or too far into the television - anything - to hear her coming into the house.
Slipping her key into the lock, she cringed as it seemed to echo loudly in the night as she moved it to the right, unlocking it. Opening the door silently, she peeked inside, grateful to Angel for keeping the door squeak free. Less noise meant less time for him to realize that she was inside.
Craning her head to listen for any noises that might be coming from upstairs, she was glad to hear absolutely nothing, the silence almost deafening as she stepped in, closing the door slightly, keeping it cracked so she wouldn’t have to make a loud exit. Walking swiftly across the floor, one hand on the wall while the other rested protectively over her stomach, she swept up to the hall door where she kept her case of supplies. Opening it, she felt panic strike her as the door groaned softly. Her eyes immediately darted to the stairs and she waited, in a pregnant quiet, waiting for him to come downstairs with a baseball bat and threats.
But nothing happened. Sighing deeply as her heart raced, she opened the door a little more, pushing her hand between the small crack in to reach the large case, hoping that it was always where she kept it. Thoughts raced through her head as she groped for the black object, some chastising herself for thinking it would be a good idea to sneak into the house when she was clearly on the verge of having an anxiety attack at the thought of being caught, while others reasoned that she did need something else to do during the day. And why not something she loved?
A tiny smile graced her lips as she finally found what she was looking for. Gripping the handle, she picked it up and let out a low moan of protest at the weight. She couldn’t remember it being this heavy and she opened the door wider, ignoring the small noises it made as it moved, instead concentrating on simply getting the thing out of there without letting a much louder noise reverberate through the dark house.
Finally succeeding, she slowly closed the door, immediately regretting it as it made louder protests at the sensation of being shut once more. Clicking it into place, Christina paused once more, forcing herself to ignore her fast heartbeat and listen for any movement in the house.
When there wasn’t any, she gripped the handle of the large bag and waddled to the front door, wondering how in the hell she managed to carry this thing before. Of course, she hadn’t been pregnant then, but it did seem like it had more supplies than usual.
Using her other hand to grab the edge of the door, she swung it open enough for her to squeeze through before slipping out, clenching her teeth with the effort. It really shouldn’t have been this hard, but she put the burden on the fact that she was also carrying a live human being inside of her stomach.
Closing the door in the same fashion as she had after she entered the house, she hurried down to the car, opening the back door and lifting the case up onto the backseat, letting out a loud breath of exertion as she finally pushed it up and securely into the car.
“God,” she breathed as she closed the door, leaning back against it. Fumbling for her keys, she glanced up at the glow in the window once more, pausing, before going up to the door to lock it. It was a bad idea. Much worse than her coming here in the middle of the night. He was obviously sleeping just fine with the light on. Why should she go turn it off?
As she closed the door and lifted her hand to lock it back up the same way she had originally found it, she stopped just before pushing the key in. A moment later, she silently opened the door once more, stepping in, once again leaving a crack in the door. Quicker exit. It was a good strategy in her mind.
Walking slowly to the stairs, she gripped the railing as her other hand found the wall. The house was in complete darkness as she climbed the stairs, and she found herself being guided by touch and memory of what they looked like in the day and which ways they turned. As she finally made it to the hall, she allowed herself a small smile at the sight of his bedroom door open slightly, the soft glow from the lamp next to the bed making deep shadows, it was so weak.
Padding across the carpet, she reached what had originally been their old bedroom - and in her mind, still was - and pushed it open a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of the bed. The sight of his strong back facing her was a welcome sight and she pushed the door open further, stepping in.
He was obviously naked underneath the covers and he looked to be cuddling around something, most likely a pillow. She could only imagine what he had been doing to make him fall asleep at the lowest level of their lamp, and as she crossed over to shut it off, she didn’t care. She was almost grateful for it because it gave her a chance to see him, something somewhat forbidden in her head at the moment due to their separation, making it all the more delicious.
She felt warm shivers cascade down her back as she remember warm nights in his arms and as she silently made her way around the bed, she vowed that she would make it back there someday, no matter how long it took.
And that was when she saw exactly what he had been curled around.
The girl from the restaurant laid against him, his arms wrapped around her protectively. Their chests were pressed together tightly, and by their appearances, they had obviously just been doing something else, far from simple cuddling. Christina felt her heart fall as her eyes followed the lines of his body, finding one of his legs thrown over hers and his fingers creating soft, lazy circles up and down her spine. They were drowsing against each other, both looking so content - more than she had ever seen Angel, when she finally let a sound slip past her lips.
Angel’s eyes snapped open at the sound and as his eyes focused on Christina, his mind not yet catching up with what he was seeing, he watched as her hand flew to her mouth, her face crinkling in pain as her other hand flew to her heart where it immediately gripped at the material of her shirt.
“Oh, god,” he whispered painfully before realizing where he really was. Looking down, he felt only too aware of what he was doing. Of what his fiancee had just caught him doing. His heart stopped as Buffy moved in his arms. His first reaction was to recoil, and he did so, practically shoving the blonde away as rolled over to the other side, finding his boxers as he whispering Christina’s name as she backed away, a sob tearing from her throat. No. No, this wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Every thought tore from Angel’s head as Christina turned and darted out of the room, the door slamming against the wall, rebounding and coming back round to slam shut.
“Christina!” Angel shouted in alarm as he caught the door and followed her, leaving Buffy sitting in the bed, staring at the spot the brunette had been standing, the sheet gripped against her chest, her knuckles white from the pressure.
“Baby, please,” Angel shouted as he dashed up to meet his wife where she was gripping the wall blindly. She was moving surprisingly fast and he could see her other arm was cradling her stomach as she finally reached the stairs. “Christina.”
He had barely just made it to where she stood before she was suddenly not there. Angel watched on in quickly mounting horror as her foot gave from below her and she fell forward. He paused as everything stopped and he seemed to watch it happening in slow motion, her body contorting in ways he knew it shouldn’t. It couldn’t. It wasn’t natural, and the loud crack that echoed in the empty staircase was all the evidence he needed for that thought to become real.
Yelling her name, his voice streaked with panic, grief, disbelief. Everything rolled into one as he practically slid down the stairs to get to where she laid at the base of the stairs, her eyes closed and her chest... god, was her chest moving? He couldn’t tell.
As he reached the bottom, his hands immediately found her face, his thumbs moving against her closed eyes as he turned her head. Rational thought didn’t come through as he yelled into her face, demanding that she wake up. He didn’t even hear Buffy coming down the stairs, his name on her lips as she shouted to know what had happened. Nothing else mattered as his hand found the back of her head and came back bloody.
“Angel! Oh, god, what happened?” Buffy watched as Angel pulled Christina’s limp body against his, pushing his face against hers shoulder. She didn’t notice his hand on her stomach, unconsciously clenching as he murmured something illegible. “Angel?”
“Come on, baby, wake up. Please. Please wake up.” Then suddenly his head snapped up and he glared at her as she stood by. “Call someone!”
“Angel-“ she began, reaching out to touch the brunette’s head as he continued to rock her against him. He needed to put her down before he caused any further damage, but he wretched them both away from her touch, shouting in her face, “Don’t touch her! Just get someone!”
Buffy swallowed roughly as she backed away, numbness swamping through her as she turned and ran into the living room, looking around desperately. “Where’s the phone, Angel?”
He didn’t respond and her eyes lighted on the cordless phone on the counter connecting the living room to the kitchen. Dashing to it, she immediately dialed the number, listening silently to the operator,” 911, what is your emergency?”
“I need your help. Sh-she fell. You need to send someone over. Please, now.”
“Okay, ma’am, calm down for a moment and tell me what happened.”
“She was... I’m-I’m not sure. I wasn’t there. I came down and she was there. There’s blood,” Buffy said quietly, a calm panic overtaking her voice, staring at the floor, unwilling to witness the scene between Angel and Christina. It was all her fault.
“Where are you?”
“What?”
“Where did she fall?”
“At Angel’s house,” Buffy responded, as if it should make sense to the woman on the other end. When she questioned where that was, Buffy replied, “I-I don’t know.”
“It’s okay. We’ve pinpointed your location. We’ve got an ambulance on the way. I need you to stay on the line and talk to me. Where is she right now?”
“On the floor. At the stairs.”
“Is she breathing?”
“I’m... I don’t know.”
“I need you to check and see if she’s breathing, ma’am. It’s okay...”
Buffy didn’t hear anything else she said as she walked back out to where the couple laid on the floor. Angel was still holding her to his chest, the blood that had come from Christina’s body already having drenched her long tresses and Angel’s hand. She could see the blood slowly making its way down his arm. So much blood... He didn’t seem to notice as he continually whispered against her ear, his hand rubbing all over her body, almost as if he were checking for the any injuries, as if he could fix it. Buffy felt something inside her snap at the sight. She had done this. She had brought this to him.
And god, what about the baby?
Buffy stared at Christina’s belly, mundanely thinking hers had never gotten to be that big, as the operator on the phone continued to ask for her, clearly hearing something on the other end to keep her there. Buffy let it hang from her fingers as she stared at Christina until she saw the bright blue and red lights through the open blinds.
Suddenly, they were rushing inside the house, pushing Angel away who only made angry protests as they demanded space. This spurred Buffy into mindless action as she moved forward to grab Angel’s arm, intent upon pulling him away so they could examine Christina.
Saying something in jibberish into the radio at his shoulder, Buffy watched as one guy summarized what was viewable immediately on Christina’s body while the other checked her vitals. Then they were suddenly lifting her from the floor and Buffy didn’t even realize that she had never touched Angel before her fingers wrapped around his arm. He hissed in objection, ripping his arm free from her touch. Not even looking back, Buffy watched him disappear through the front door and into the ambulance and then they were gone. They were all gone and Buffy was left to sit in the darkness, the dial tone on the phone echoing in the room as she stared at the blood on the floor, not only from her head... but from between her legs.
***
He was covered in blood. He didn’t even know that there could be that much blood.
“No, I want to go with her!”
“Sir, you can’t. She’s in good hands, but you can’t come back here. Please sit down.”
“No! Where did they take her?”
The nurse stared him down fearlessly as she gripped his upper arms once more, pushing him back. “Your wife has been hurt very badly. She’s being taken to emergency surgery right now. The baby...”
God, the baby. Fear hollowed Angel out as he finally allowed the nurse to sit him down after another moment of arguing. They had whisked Christina away a while ago, and he still hadn’t been able to get in to see her. To see what was happening to her. To see if the baby was okay. God, he prayed to anything that would listen that the baby was okay. That she was okay.
The last twenty minutes of his life had been the most hectic, emotionally draining of his life. The paramedics had asked questions on the way in about what had happened. Angel couldn’t tell if they thought he had pushed her, but when he continued to look blankly at them, as if they were speaking in a completely foreign language, they stopped the questions and waited to get to the hospital. He didn’t much care whether or not they thought he had done something to her, just as long as she was okay.
Closing his eyes, he saw her tumbling down the stairs, twisting and turning violently, before crumpling into a heap at the bottom. He saw her when he found him in bed with Buffy. Guilt crashed through him like a tidal wave as he remembered the way she had looked at him. Betrayed, questioning, hurt. He never wanted to see that kind of grief on her face for as long as he lived.
And god, Buffy. Rubbing his eyes roughly, he finally pulled himself to a standing position, moving to the payphone to call Cordelia. Someone needed to know what had happened. His hands moved to where his pant pockets would be, absently feeling for change even though he wasn’t wearing actual pants before deciding to call their house collect.
When the recorded voice asked who it was that was calling, the only thing he said was, “It’s Christina.”
***
Doyle cursed loudly as the phone rang again, beating against his ear drum angrily. Flinging the covers from his body, he reached over and snatched the phone from its cradle, snapping into the phone, “What?”
Closing his eyes and falling back against his pillow, he listened with aggravation to the recorded voice, about to hang up when he heard the message. The next thing he knew, he was out of bed and down the hall. Her bed was empty. She wasn’t there. Looking outside, he didn’t see their car in the drive way. Dread filled him. What had happened?
“Doyle? What’s going on?”
Doyle came back into the room, switching the light on. He could hear his wife groaning in disagreement, but he didn’t care. The next words out of his mouth caught her attention, “It’s Christina. Angel just called. I think she’s at the hospital. It think she’s been hurt. Badly.”
***
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mr. Roarke, but the baby did not survive the accident. It seemed as if your wife moved her body to protect your daughter from the fall, and very well almost succeeded in killing herself at the same time. We had to operate immediately and by the time the baby was out... there was nothing that we could do. The injuries your wife sustained were extreme, and at the moment she is heavily sedated to keep the pain manageable...”
TBC…